Numbness

Submitted by Proverbs31.30 on
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Hello I'm back once again on this forum! Many things have happened since my last entry.

The most exciting thing is that I've met a wonderful Christian man. We are getting to know each other and I feel very comfortable with him. I've never been so sure that this must be the right one, as I have never seen so much compatibility. I've counseled with somebody who knows both him and me, and this person is also optimistic. But time will tell of course.

Shortly before this new acquaintance, one of my two ex-boyfriends (with whom I was together back in the 90s) was stalking me. He tried everything to win me back, but I didn't even give him the glimpse of a chance. This was quite stressful of course, although he only sent me emails. I'm relieved now because he seems to have given up.

Anyway, with this new man, I've been tempted again to fantasize, but it's getting better. In fact, I'm feeling very numb right now, and I wouldn't want to have any sexual contact at this point. The thing is that I'm dealing with my past relationships at the moment, and the fact that my Ex was stalking me (besides the fact that I've met a new man), has triggered this.

I have this wounded feeling around my vagina (which is hard to describe). I've had this before - usually whenever I would consider a new relationship - but it has never been so intense. I guess I just need to give it some time to heal. I don't know if I should seek counseling on this particular matter (i. e. my sexual past). I do have some friends I can trust, and I hope I will be able to talk with somebody in the near future.

Currently, I'm just trying to write things down: About how I lost my virginity, as well all the other sexual encounters I had before and after this traumatic experience. I guess that's the best thing I can do at this point.

Any other suggestions what could help me to go through this process?

Comments

That's wonderful to hear

Maybe just trust the process. And if the relationship comes to fruition, consider taking a very slow approach to sex. There's a three-week program in the back of our book, which calls for nightly bonding behaviors and then, intercourse in week three.

The advantage is that you may be less likely to jump back into old sexual patterns if you do something differently at the start.

Sorry about your ex. It's funny, but whenever we're ready for a new phase in life it seems like we often get invited to return to an old, unhealthy pattern One Last Time. Glad you resisted.

Good luck!

I would

I would recommend the three-week program as the _first_ thing you do when you get physically intimate, regardless of when the wedding happens.

When you first get together, that will be the time when you are most sensitive to each others presence and touch. Orgasmic sex will reduce that sensitivity. So why not take advantage of that time of maximum sensitivity to explore the joys of the bonding behaviors - cuddling, kissing, sleeping together, without sex? You will (hopefully) have years together to have sex. Why rush into it?

I'm not necessarily recommending following the three-week program exactly as written. I'd say just do what seems interesting and makes sense to you. To me, the most important aspects of that program are: 1) a couple weeks of being in bed with each other with sex explicitly NOT on the agenda, and 2) trying karezza and doing what you can to avoid orgasm.

I'd say try karezza for a couple weeks, then try conventional sex IF you want to. It's optional. Orgasms will likely happen occasionally and accidentally, so there's no need to plan them! Unless you want to deliberately _try_ having orgasms together.

I'm a bit curious, how do you define "physical intimacy"? What sorts of things would you allow yourself and your partner to do before marriage? Would snuggling on the couch be allowed? How about taking a nap together on the couch, fully clothed? How about the same, but in bed? Or with pajamas? How about sleeping together overnight, without sexual touching?

If the only thing that's prohibited before marriage is intercourse, then there are lots of things you can do before marriage to increase the bonding and trust between you - as well as just have a good time together!

Thanks for the advice!

I think it would be very wise if I would do this "pre-programme" before I would engage in sexual intercourse with my future husband. I have the feeling that, in the long term, it would really make the sex life better. Of course we would have to talk about it in detail before.

As for the definition of physical intimacy, I mean basically everything except maybe occasional hugs (side-ways), and sitting shoulder by shoulder. In fact, I would even avoid holding hands before marriage, as it arouses feelings that could lead to inappropriate actions.

When I began my Christian walk, I considered everything except sexual intercourse acceptable. But now I'm convinced that this was a major deception, as it led me to do heavy petting with my first boyfriend right from the beginning - and two months later I was not a virgin anymore.

Although I'm aware that it must be very difficult to stay pure before marriage (especially given the fact that I have already had sexual intercourse), I'm determined to follow through with this. If it works out with this particular man, there will be the advantage that he kept himself pure - although having had two serious relationships in the past.

The word "pure" seems very odd here

and frankly, based on misunderstanding about what helps couples to sustain their relationships. Read Curious Fellow's post again. Sensitivity and protecting sensitivity (sexual responsiveness) are the keys to long-term satisfaction. If you don't adhere to that principle, then "waiting until marriage" will only defer the inevitable deterioration a bit longer.

The concept of "purity" can carry you only so far in the business of human mating. Smile

I don't want

Proverbs to be disappointed when "waiting until marriage" (purity) doesn't magically make all future relationship tension evaporate. You can play by all the external moral rules and still create chaos if you don't understand the effects of sex on the brain.

I fully understand

what you would like to point out Marnia.

With "pure" in this context, I meant indeed the "state", i. e. that my potential future partner has never had sexual intercourse before.

I shouldn't have written "to stay pure before marriage", but maybe rather to "abstain from erotic intimacy" before marriage (or maybe there are still better terms in your language).

Mixed feelings

These past few weeks have been rather busy for me. Unfortunately, I got sick with a cold over the last weekend. So I was partly unable to work throughout the week, and since Thanksgiving isn't a holiday over here, I didn't have a long weekend. I'm recovering both from the stress and from the cold at this point, but now I'm at a point in my monthly cycle where my sexual cravings tend to be rather pronounced. It's been tough.

WARNING - THE TEXT THAT FOLLOWS CONTAINS TRIGGERS!

I'm not up to stimulating myself though. In fact, at the moment I even feel repulsive against even touching my genitals. However, I have touched my breasts and other parts of my body, and as usual I have liked it. It's this touch hunger which is particularly difficult for me to endure.

- END OF TRIGGERING MATERIAL -

These days, I've also been processing a lot with regards to my sexual past, and I have even started writing an article. Maybe some day it will be published somewhere - the Lord knows! Something which has really been of great help to me is the book "She has a Secret" by Douglas Weiss. Because of my writing project, I've started reading it again and I've been so blessed by the testimonies of all these women who have struggled with sex addiction. It's so comforting to know that you are not the only one, and that there are many out there who have even gone through worse things in life.

As for my new friend, this will be another story. I will see him again in a months time...

Strange feeling

My situation has really been strange lately, as this feeling of numbness/woundedness is still persisting. This is so strange to me because I usually always feel ready to have sexual intercourse. The only exception are the first three days of my cycle; but other than that I normally always feel up to it. However, I still feel repulsive of even touching my genitals (and even the rest of my body!); and if I was married now, I would definitely not want to be intimate with my husband at this moment (with the exception of cuddling).

As for my new friend, I had not heard from him for a while, since he went overseas for a few weeks and had very limited access to the internet. But a couple hours ago, we got to chat again; and in the next few weeks, he will be staying at home with no major commitments. So it's very likely that we will talk some more before we see each other again early January...

Sometimes

that aversion just builds up when you aren't getting regular affectionate touch. I suspect it will evaporate when you two get to see each other more frequently. Glad to here he's back in touch.

The strangest thing just happened - WARNING CONTAINS TRIGGERS!

I don't think that my aversion just stems from the fact that I don't get regular affectionate touch. Then I must have had this feeling for almost 20 years, since I haven't had a boyfriend since 1995!

I rather think that it really came about because I have been processing a lot about my sexual past lately. As mentioned, I have continued with my article about my battle with sexual purity.

Anyway, earlier on this afternoon, I was replying to the messages of two males on this forum I got in touch with. I described them my feelings a bit more in detail, and somehow it make me feel wanting to get undressed and go to bed. So I did, because I wanted to take a nap anyway.

Well, I laid down and touched myself just a little bit, embracing my pillow. But I was really exhausted, so did take my nap. However, when I woke up these erotic feelings became somehow stronger. So I started embracing my pillow and touching myself. I also started to do circling moves on the pillow and of course this stimulated my genitals. I got really scared - I was afraid of stimulating myself to orgasm. The feeling was also not very pleasant at all. I somehow sensed that this would be one of those painful orgasms if I carried on humping and circling the pillow. So I forced myself to get up and hurry into the bathroom. I applied some cold compresses on my vagina, which somehow helped. However, I think I still have to do some more. I'm feeling aroused.

Oh my, I'm really astonished on how libido can fluctuate! Right now I wish nothing more than having sex for the whole rest of the afternoon...

Get out of your house

Take a walk, direct your attention outside yourself. Get busy with something that interests you (besides M!). That's what I'd recommend to guys who are experiencing uncomfortable or unwanted horniness.