I've broken up with my boyfriend of five months.
He was a sweetheart at first and I plucked up the courage and told him about my desire to practice non orgasmic sex.
The relationship didn't last very long but I am so confused as to how it could all go so wrong and how I could miss the warning signals.
I don't have a good relationship with my family and it pained me to think that the only way my boyfriend could marry me is if he paid a bride price which he couldn't afford to my father who has abused me emotionally and verbally my whole life. I thought about my dilemma constantly and realized no amount of intercourse or bonding between my partner and I could solve this very real problem of mine.
Eloping wasn't an option as I had tried that route before with a fiancee whom I never had a sexual relationship with and it didn't work ultimately. He started neglecting me badly, not calling for weeks on end and I realized I couldn't take more of the same in a permanent relationship.
These issues plagued my mind as I desperately wanted to move on with my life and felt I had found a partner who wanted the same. All that mattered was our love. He even spoke of having a child with me and this caused me to panic especially since we were having unprotected intercourse every week or so. I dreaded the thought I might be pregnant because as much as I loved him I didn't feel myself capable of loving a child as my mother failed to love or bond with me, we hardly talk.
So I come from a broken family and stumbled upon literature that promised to help me protect the love in my life. I spent only weekends with my boyfriend and when we first started dating I managed to travel to him for six weekends in a row. I thought it important for us to see each other in order to build a strong relationship. I was practicing a rhythm method of birth control and since my period fell on a weekend it was easy for me to know when not to have relations. I remember thinking very clearly while packing to go to his place on the last weekend I went there that there is no better time for me to have sex if I want to fall pregnant and I knew I was flirting with the possibility by going to my boyfriend who never kept any condoms around. I thought he might not be interested in sex though as he often drinks himself into oblivion on weekends and I was so looking forward to seeing him for some human contact that I went any way.
When I arrived we spent the day with his friends as we usually did and he drank a lot as usual. When we got to his place later in the evening and settled in bed he started kissing me after being silent for a long time. I thought he was sleeping. I told him that we can't have sex because I will get pregnant. There was a shop two minutes away from his place where we could have bought condoms and I was asking for abstinence right then. He chose neither and instead told me that if I became pregnant it would be OK with him.
He'd said this on another occasion prior to sex and in our first discussion about pregnancy in which I had tearfully told him I can't have a baby because I'm afraid I'll hate it. I acquiesced and thought well this agreement is not being entered into very enthusiastically but maybe he is desperate for a child with me and I had done some thinking myself and realized I'd love to be a mother and if not now then in 8 years when I had completed my studies.
I opted for now and that story I just told is how I conceived my still unborn baby.
I'd still like to pursue higher education but I don't intend to work my entire adult life. Another thought I had that night was, I'd love to have orgasmic sex first with intention to conceive a child so I can put it in a box for ten years and retrieve it when I want another baby.
I still had high hopes for the relationship and didn't falter in my belief that we would make it till my boyfriend began acting in a bizarre way. He was never available when I wanted to talk to him. His standing excuse was mobile phones that weren't working properly and sometimes he would neglect to charge his phone, the entire weekend. This is what he subjected me to.
I paid to have one phone of his fixed which he lost not long after and bought him a new one which was stolen at a friends wedding. In our relationship I had paid for most things as he was working and only expected to get paid at the end of his contract, this left me financially drained but I thought it a necessary sacrifice till things normalized. When he finally got paid he didn't tell me and I found out when I asked him about it later and the worst part is he gave all the money to his mom. His stated reason for doing so is she needed it.
I thought, you idiot. You have just lost me right there.
What takes the cake though is his admitting in front of his friend that he never intended to have a baby he was just too aroused to think straight, something he had never told me and I hated him then for contradicting me and for leading me to believe ha actually wanted a child. so the whole time he was just making small talk? Men and women are different.
I thought, 'Have a baby with me' means: Have a baby with me. I was grieved by this but thought we could make it work for the child's sake.
He already has a six year old boy with another woman. I quit my job and left my family to avoid my fathers abuse and have been living with my brother since my boyfriend said he can't afford to support me even though he has a house, doesn't pay for electricity and all we would need was food which I could buy while he looked for another job. He quit his old one. I let it go because there are other advantages to living with my brother. One of which is time to think and grow my online business which I will be relying on for financial support . I've accomplished a lot and am proud of myself but at the same time I am so disappointed that the father of this child has chosen to spend his time having a nervous breakdown instead.
I would have loved to spend my time eating grapes while reading pregnancy magazines but I have kept it a secret as long as I could to give me the space to figure out my next move. The final straw was when my boyfriend didn't take any of my calls or contact me for a 20 day period during which time I attempted to call him ten times a day every day. When he finally made contact he told me he was giving me space, which I hadn't asked for.
Let's just say I gave up on him as a human being. With so much time alone though I realize that I took his mistreatment from day one only because I was so desperate for love, even from a loser. I don't take his calls now and I am trying to move on but that too is a difficult thing to do.
I've made two attempts. One of them not serious at all but just a sexual encounter with someone I met at a weekend public speaking tournament. I found him attractive, I was newly available and had a night of passion under the stars for no reason other than to have fun, his words, I strongly agreed. I smile when I think about that as it was the first time I got together with someone just for sex but I should have thought harder about what I was doing because I went through a period where I longed intensely for him and we hadn't even exchanged numbers. I knew deep down though that we can be nothing more to each other. I din't tell him I am pregnant but I told my next partner and strangely enough that relationship lasted only a week.
The first few days we just talked and finally had sex after I had told him about my commitment to a well managed love life. We read Barry Long's Making Love which I am inspired by but ended up having good ol' fashioned orgasmic intercourse as I let down my guard in the final moment when he admitted that he was doing this only because I wanted it. I asked him, 'Well what do you want?' He said, 'Just normal sex,' and I said, 'OK'. Things had started out pretty good with us undressing in front of each other and spending a lot of time kissing and holding one another, the problem started when he entered me I suppose. Afterward he looked so stressed and I knew I'd lost him. I said goodbye and we made plans to see each other in three days when I came back from a short visit to my parents. On the day I returned he invited me over and let me know he was having second thoughts mostly because I am pregnant. We promised to talk after that but he ignored my calls and stood me up on a data he had arranged with me. All I wanted was for him to break up with me properly and I partly understood where his perplexity was coming from but he never gave me a chance. The funny thing is we live in the same building and I could run into him at any time. Not long after I developed a crush on a friend of my brothers, he likes me a bit too but maybe he makes a better friend than lover because we do nothing but talk when we are together. We don't flirt but we did hug and kiss lightly on the lips once. I don't have many people I feel I can talk to, so when I meet someone I like I scare them away by showing too much interest. I only wanted friendship from him but he too has not returned one of my calls and it seems he is no longer willing to hang out. I have recently deleted his number and am enjoying my own company now. I have fallen out with every friend and lover I have made recently and I don't have more energy for human interaction right now. My love life is a hot mess but on another completely different track I feel terribly pleased with my new status as mother-to-be. I know things will not be easy for the first few years but luckily that is also the period when my mere presence will be enough for my baby, I don't have much else. I intend to wear her as an infant so she gets a lot of skin contact and I will also breastfeed. I feel incredibly protective though and don't want my child to meet her grandparents or her father because they are the people I trust least. I need another adult in my life but I am resigned to doing it alone without resentment. If love and a stable relationship has eluded me then what remains is for me to give the next generation the best possible foundation and education to make it happen for them. I would have loved to bring my child into a stable nuclear family but I know from my experience with my own parents that some people shouldn't be allowed anywhere near babies. I'm willing to take what help I can get though, mostly financial for the time being and I am really happy in spite of everything. When I have more independence I hope to rent a place on my own, hopefully with a friend who also has a child and no career, like myself, or a live in nanny and that should make dating possible. I'm looking forward to parenting though and that is one thing I know I can handle. I just have to deliver a live baby and the adventure will begin in earnest. As for love, I'll continue making friends and see where that leads me.