I can no longer doubt the fact that there is more going to how I perceive the world and make my decisions than intelligent thought. Some feelings come from a more primitive part of the brain. As a pregnant woman I can tell you I have no real problems, none physical or directly linked to carrying a baby. Pregnancy is an overall good deal emotionally and physically if you can survive the first 3 months and some women don't have any tales to tell about that period.
The one problem I can't seem to shake is fearing for my safety when in public. There are no wild animals out to hunt me, maybe no present danger at all but I can't help feeling vulnerable. When indoors I blossom, I sometimes forget I am pregnant even though I am huge. Outdoors though I look left and right and don't want people looking at me because I fear they may be hiding javelins in their purses and are plotting my murder. Yesterday was the first time I went out in non concealing clothes and as I was walking about on the university grounds I was delighted to find that it was deserted, a huge property. That was me taking on the dangerous outdoors and I don't want to repeat the experience until I absolutely have to.
Now any person would say, you're just being paranoid. But am I really? If I die the world loses out on an addition to the population and it seems like whether I like it or not my genes have decided I am going to carry to term and made sure that exposing myself to danger is the least rewarding experience for me now. I am in fight or flight mode the entire time I am out and it takes me a while to calm back down when I have returned to a familiar setting. I don't know if having a partner who accompanies me where I go would lessen my fear but I don't want to be chaperoned. I've gone out and about alone since I was twelve and don't want to stop now. I'll just forego going out altogether. Maybe that is not a solution but my frustration is real.
It makes so much sense now that we would find ourselves acting in ways that actively sabotage our relationship happiness if it benefits the agenda of our genes which is lots of lots of fertilization attempts with as many partners as possible. And I suppose that is a program that is active our entire lives. I'm going to get off the pregnancy roller coaster eventually but I'll never be able to escape my desire for love and sexual closeness. I am floored that nature would put her meddling right in the center of our most intimate lives. I am willing to do anything to prevent this from happening to me again because I value my happiness even if my genes don't.
Previously I've been hesitant to commit wholeheartedly to karezza and bonding behaviors as the only way to safeguard my relationships which is why I only have stories of failed attempts. I am so convinced now though that it doesn't even matter that I don't have a partner. I'm going to champion this way. I'm going to try and find love again.