2/18/2012: Felt pretty bad last night but I tried to get proactive in my own weird way. I re-arranged the furniture in my room, took out the garbage, read some rebooting accounts, and committed myself to texting a girl I know tomorrow. These seem like small steps but I know that I cannot sit around being depressed about my reboot and flatline. I tried the Tibetian Rite and Firebreath. I was already relatively calm so I'm not too sure of the effects. I'm going to try and cut out my anxiety pills. Last night I took my first dose of ginko biloba and spoonful of liquid fish oil, and I must say, it was as delicious as it sounded. Nonetheless, I'm told it helps to regulate mood and aid depression. The flatline sucks but I know its part of the process. I can't believe that I've wasted so many years of my life PMOing. Given that I am graduating soon, I'm coming down on myself pretty harshly. Hoping to feel better in the coming days and have things shape up in a better manner.
I had some decent wood throughout the night but woke to nothing. I had some dreams that I remember upon waking up, which I take to be a good sign. During heavy PMO I never remember my dreams. Planning to get active today and hopefully break out of the rut I'm in.
2/18 Update: The rut is still here. I've been full of rage and depression all day. Just another day of misery and despair. At this point I don't even care about the reboot for getting with other people. I just want to make sure that I never fuck myself up to such an extent again. Who knew that a fucking movie could ruin peoples lives? Flatline is still here. I'm supposed to go see a girl tomorrow for a semi-date and I have no desire. Day 11 has thankfully come to a close
2/19/2012: Today is day 12 of my reboot and I'm getting ready for a semi-date and I'm nervous as hell. I'm in the midst of a flatline and my depression has not been treating me well. We'll see what happens.
Update: I spent over 9 hours with this girl. We watched a lot of movies and TV and ended up kissing a little bit. We cuddled and for the vast majority I wasn't hard; however, throughout the day I would get a surge of blood and get 30-40% erection but they faded quickly. She commented me on being nervous and I told her I was. I obviously feel good that I was able to get through this without any pressure as I was dreading it for the past four days. I kind of opened up about my anxiety but didn't get into detail. My heart was pounding throughout the night and she made several comments about my heart beating really fast. She even asked if I had a heart condition. I'm obviously not to tell her I'm a recovering porn addict and I'm in a flatline as I re-wire my reward circuitry.
My question is this: Does kissing and cuddling slow my reboot progress? I initiated the kiss even though I knew that I wasn't hard. I didn't really feel a dopamine rush but I felt the urge to kiss her. I am concerned that this might slow me down. I thought it was good that I got a semblance of an erection but at the same time I don't know if it is better for me to avoid all contact during my reboot. I
I've read that sex with a partner slows a reboot but we came nowhere near that and I don't plan on it (as I'm not physically or emotionally ready) despite being interested in her. I need time to re-wire and come out of this miserable flatline. feel some pain in my testicles (blue balls?) but c'est la vie. Any guidance on this would be met with sincere gratitude.