I failed after 26 days clean (a new record)
Ending things with Michele hit me hard. I was really upset about it but it was what needed to happen. I saw her in class today and she was extremely cold to me. An after that, I saw her walking across the quad holding hands with some other guy. In the past 48 hours I've PMOed five times. As a result, I have made the decision to leave my laptop at home following my spring break. My last day of using my laptop will be on March 13th, at which point I will give it my dad and have him keep it (he knows about my addiction and has been incredibly supportive).
I won't have my laptop back until mid-May, which gives me just over two months. The only access I'll have to a computer will be in the library, where thankfully I won't pmo. I've installed a web-blocker app on my blackberry, which was what triggered my initial relapse. Following that, I've found a website that circumvents K9 and PMOed four times. I'm embarrassed, angry, and ashamed.
The only reason that things ended with Michele and I is because she wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready or able for it. I wasn't ready for sex because I've put my body and libido into a 7 year coma. I really liked her and really wanted to but I knew that I wasn't ready. She seemed okay with things ending but she hasn't acted that way since. Seeing her in class is so depressing. I just want to go home and try to get my life together.
Things improved during my 21,23, and 26 day reboots, but I caved each time. I can say that things with Michele are officially over. I'll have to deal with seeing her in class for the rest of the semester. I'm going to feel hurt and mad at myself for ruining another opportunity for a healthy relationship due to porn but I need to beat this once and for all.
I bought two notebooks today, where I plan to write about my reboot and my overall life. I want to beat this and be happy. I don't want to be depressed anymore and I don't want to continue to ruin my life.
As a result of giving up my laptop, I'm not going to be posting on here that much. Losing access to reuniting and YBOP will definitely be a challenge, but not having a laptop also means that I cannot come home and PMO.