Epic relapse

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I failed after 26 days clean (a new record)

Ending things with Michele hit me hard. I was really upset about it but it was what needed to happen. I saw her in class today and she was extremely cold to me. An after that, I saw her walking across the quad holding hands with some other guy. In the past 48 hours I've PMOed five times. As a result, I have made the decision to leave my laptop at home following my spring break. My last day of using my laptop will be on March 13th, at which point I will give it my dad and have him keep it (he knows about my addiction and has been incredibly supportive).

I won't have my laptop back until mid-May, which gives me just over two months. The only access I'll have to a computer will be in the library, where thankfully I won't pmo. I've installed a web-blocker app on my blackberry, which was what triggered my initial relapse. Following that, I've found a website that circumvents K9 and PMOed four times. I'm embarrassed, angry, and ashamed.

The only reason that things ended with Michele and I is because she wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready or able for it. I wasn't ready for sex because I've put my body and libido into a 7 year coma. I really liked her and really wanted to but I knew that I wasn't ready. She seemed okay with things ending but she hasn't acted that way since. Seeing her in class is so depressing. I just want to go home and try to get my life together.

Things improved during my 21,23, and 26 day reboots, but I caved each time. I can say that things with Michele are officially over. I'll have to deal with seeing her in class for the rest of the semester. I'm going to feel hurt and mad at myself for ruining another opportunity for a healthy relationship due to porn but I need to beat this once and for all.

I bought two notebooks today, where I plan to write about my reboot and my overall life. I want to beat this and be happy. I don't want to be depressed anymore and I don't want to continue to ruin my life.

As a result of giving up my laptop, I'm not going to be posting on here that much. Losing access to reuniting and YBOP will definitely be a challenge, but not having a laptop also means that I cannot come home and PMO.

Comments

Sup there

I relapsed after 90 days of no porn before. At the time, I didn't understand that masturbating was also key to the problem. Anyway, I just finished a 50something day reboot, and just relapsed. Do I feel bad? Not at all. If you read the accounts on YBOP you'll notice that many guys finally "got it" after several attempts. It's a long journey. What has helped for me is removing the external pressure (I MUST GET OVER THIS OR ELSE I WON'T FIND A GIRL). So for me at least, I'm not looking for anyone during this reboot. Before I was trying to get the ED out so I could bang this chick I was seeing - but it added pressure. It's better to be on your own sometimes.

But I can tell that each time is different, and you're stronger. The first time I ever tried this - lasting the first week felt like someone was ripping out my stomach. I could not help it for the life of me. If I didn't have an internet connection at the time, I would have failed.

The second time was tough because I went back to watching porn. Blogging on here and getting support has made the complete difference. And now, I'm on day 3 again and I don't feel too many withdrawals at all. I feel a bit more me, but with less crazy moodswings like before. I'm aiming for this to be the last time! I've realized that the reasons for the relapse(s)were mainly emotional - the first time I relapsed on my first reboot, I had just travelled to a new country and had few friends, so I started Ming more, weeks later I was travelling alone again to an island. I had no friends, and an empty hotel room. I PMO'd. This led me to struggle over the next few months until I got back to the states.

The second major relapse had to do with coping with a breakup and the feeling of confusion you get one you get back to your country without a job. So, my relapses were always do to something bad happening and an opportunity to use porn. Each time it gets less pleasureable - like the last time. So I'm starting to think that things are picking up!

In other words, you're doing great. Just think "ah well, day one again" - you'll be fine. Even if you have a bunch of day ones, you'll eventually get past it.

Thanks all

I appreciate the support. I'm feeling surprisingly well today, and being solo definitely relieves the pressure, albeit not the frustration.

Day one of my last reboot is in the books :)