2/15/2012: I feel caged and sad. I don't know why but the more interact with this girl from my class the worse I feel. I think about her when I'm not with her and really feel good but when I'm around I become really nervous. I still feel good when I interact with her but I automatically begin to put pressure on myself. I know I shouldn't and I try not to but I can't seem to help it.
I guess this is part of confronting your fears and anxieties. Today I cried for the first time in almost a year. It was short lived but I feel slightly better. I had a conversation with someone and they made a comment jokingly but it really hurt. Once I got back to my apartment I just let it out. I feel like I could have cried more but I didn't want to let myself get too far out of it. Other than waking up to some solid morning wood today has been rough in the rebooting department. I am lifeless since then and feel pretty rough right now. Hoping to sleep it off and see where I stand tomorrow.
2/16/2012: I feel like shit today. Anxiety is up and I'm really depressed. I doubled my anti-depressants today. I had lackluster morning wood and less than pleasant dreams. All I want to do right now is go to bed and avoid everyone. If I didn't have to submit a paper today and visit relatives tomorrow I would drop off the radar for the next week. I'm planning to take a downer (prescribed of course) and go to class. Hopefully I'll feel calm and better than I do as of now. I'll update this when I come home from classes.
2/17/2012: Still flatlining. I had a dream I looked at porn and woke up immensely relieved it was just a dream. No wood and not too much confidence. At this point I'm almost indifferent to everything. I'm dreading my movie session with this girl on Sunday. It really sucks that I continued to fuck up and pmo during last semester and hurt my ability to be with someone who is interested in me.
Sadly, this is the longest I've gone with no PMO since last year (today is day 10). I went to the health food store today to get fish oil and ginko biloba. While there, I walked by all those natural remedies for male libido problems. It made me think back to my sophomore year when I was plagued with copulatory ED and I wasted so much money on those pills. I thought, "I'm 19. I shouldn't have these problems. What is wrong with me?" Who knew that the answer to my dilemma was sitting right in front of me on a computer screen. I've been incredibly pensive these past few days. The flatline I'm experiencing has made me anxious and somewhat withdrawn. That being said, I realize that I need to go through this at some point. The sooner the better. I have no desire to PMO or MO at this point in time. I know that things are going to turn around for me soon and I need to get ready for it.
To anyone who may read this and has struggled with other addictions, ask yourself: How many times did I relapse before I finally got it right? When I smoked cigarettes I tried to quit for almost a year before I finally got that behind me. I've smoked roughly a pack of cigarettes in the past 15 months. I'm in a state of despair and hopelessness right now. Thinking of the cigarette example hasn't eradicated those feelings but it has helped me to put things in perspective.