Very rough night. I fucked up AGAIN and relapsed Tuesday night. You would think I'd get it by now. You'd think that six months of trying to beat this would place me in a good spot.
Nonetheless, it didn't. I had HORRIBLE anxiety last night. When I say horrible I mean the worst I've dealt with since my sophomore year when I was so depressed I nearly dropped out of college. I went out with a girl, which was completely unplanned and made me so nervous that I began to shake and had to go the bathroom where I began to dry heave. I got through the night without her noticing what was going on and managed to get her number but I feel like I put things off in a bad spot. I told her I was into her. I had zero libido and no confidence. Experiencing this KILLED me. I had planned to be rebooted by the start of my semester and now its going to take me until the end of March, maybe longer. Why the fuck did I PMO? While tonight was rough on me it helped me to reinforce why I’m doing this. Had I not fucked up over these past few months I could have gone home with her.
She was clearly into me and told me after we went out to the bar that she just wanted to take me home but all I wanted was to go to my room alone and curl up into the fetal position. I don’t know her well enough or feel comfortable enough telling her about my reboot. What do I do? I told her I was into her but I don’t want her to get the wrong idea or write me off. My plan is to tell her that I’m not really available in the dating scene but I’m definitely into her and want to see how things turn out in the near future. I have a class with her so I’ll be able to see her and hang out, which will allow me to not make things weird. We texted after she dropped me off at my apartment (at like 03:30AM) for a bit so I feel like that’s a good sign.
I'm currently a wreck. I STILL feel anxious, nearly 15 hours later. I haven't left my room and I'm paralyzed. I haven't picked up my phone or responded to texts.