2/20/2012: I had a better day today. I could not sleep at all. I ended up getting up early and going to work out. I walked back to my apartment through the park and really enjoyed myself. I'm still in a flatline but I'm hoping that things are going to start to take a positive swing upward. Tomorrow will be the two week mark, which is the longest I've gone since last year. I got a text from the girl I went out with and it was really good. It was not sexual at all (she told me that she had a great time) and I got a 50% erection just from reading it! I actually take that as a good sign. I don't see it as erotica because it was not sexual and I didn't feel that intense rush I felt from PMO. Any reaction, both physically and emotionally speaking, from a 3D woman in my life is something that I see as progress.
I'm going home for a four day weekend, which will be a great thing for me. I won't feel as much pressure or anxiety as I do here at school. I have school work to do but I can get a solid 4 days of reboot accomplished in peace. I'm going to start meditating tonight in an attempt to calm my mind and slow things down. My plan is to sit motionless for 10-15 minutes and focus on my breathing. I know that I cannot make my mind go blank;however, being able to slow it down should help to reduce my anxiety and abstract thoughts.
2/21/2012: TWO WEEKS. I made two weeks for the first time since November/December 2011. I woke up with morning wood! I felt blips of libido but otherwise the day has been flat. I keep thinking about the girl I went out with. I feel like it is hindering me but I'm at least making an effort to not dwell. I have had zero desire, partly because I've felt so lousy the past two weeks but also because I have a person who is unknowingly giving me a lot of incentive and motivation to succeed. I have no idea whether my interactions with this girl will materialize into anything but it is still nice to have something in the present. I'm also stopping my medication. I read that my anti-depressants increase dopamine production, which is the last thing I need. Dare I say it, but I'm feeling cautiously optimistic that things may start to take a turn for the better.
And to Marnia,
I took your advice and tried meditation. It did wonders! I woke up several times throughout the night but when I was asleep I slept well. I lied on my living room floor, relaxed my body, and focused on my breathing for ten minutes. When fantasies or unwanted thoughts came in, I thought of my walk through the park and tried to concentrate on the feelings of peace I had during that walk. I haven't had an anxiety pill since your recommendation. Furthermore, I am cutting out my sleeping pills and anti-depressants (A decision I made after much deliberation). While depression is very real, it can be overcome without the Western Medicine approach of synthetic pills. I really want to beat this in a natural and holistic manner. I've only meditated once but I am going to do it again right after I submit this post and again before I go to bed. I am feeling better and I cannot wait to build on my momentum.