Very rough night. I fucked up AGAIN and relapsed Tuesday night. You would think I'd get it by now. You'd think that six months of trying to beat this would place me in a good spot.
1/31/2012: After my PMO slip up I caved and had a few more sessions, prompting me to relapse full out. Restarting my counter. Just installed K9 and tested it out. It works quite well. The password is something I'm not going to remember so I won't be tempted to change in a moment of desperation. The being said, I feel so depressed. I didn't even plan to pmo but after visiting a friend's tumblr with an image on it one link to led to another. In addition to installing K9 I am making a firm commitment to keep my laptop out of my room AT ALL TIMES.
So I'm back. I took time off from blogging for a combination of reasons. I had a few relapses since legitimately trying to quit porn. I'd go two weeks then cave. Right before I began this pattern I was on day 23 of a reboot attempt and stressed by finals. Below is my new counter and updates of my journey to beat PMO. I want to finally be happy with myself and reach my full potential. Brief history, I struggle with pmo and copulatory ED.
Day 50 12/9/11: Last night I found out that a friend of friend is into me and would go for me IF she did not have a boyfriend. She's been with this guy for a long time so I don't expect anything to come out of it. It felt good to hear that and put a needed smile on my face. I must be honest though, I edged this morning. I woke up to wood again and I'm very frustrated at not being able to release. Today marks 50 days of no pmo and 20 of no mo. Both of these are significant. I feel bad about it but at least it didn't lead to full blown mo.
Day 48 12/7/11: Woke up to morning wood and felt pretty relaxed. I'm getting ready for bed now. I don't want to masturbate but I really want a release. It has been eighteen days since my last orgasm, which is nearing a record for me. Other than that not much to report.
Day 41 12/1/11: Feeling pretty good today. Flatlining but in a good mood. No morning wood and no libido but trusting the process. I got random urges to PMO but I've successfully abstained at this point. At this point I don't have a desire to MO but just to O. I've struggled a bit with the fantasizing but I'm trying to keep it in control. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it.
Day 32 11/22/11: No wood no libido. No anxiety. This afternoon I got an e-mail from a porn site I subscribed to. I got a jolt but THANK G-D the e-mail came to me in a public place. My e-mail filtered out images so I didn't see any images. I clicked "unsubscribe" without being taken to the site and without pmoing. Zero libido all day so I'm not too surprised that my urge was fleeting. I'm 57 days from meeting my goal.
Day 34 11/24/11: Nothing to report.
Day 35 11/25/11: No wood no libido with sporadic urges to pmo. no anxiety. 54 days from my meeting my goal.
Today is 11/21/11 and marks one month of no pmo. Sadly its only been two days of no MO. But one month is huge for me. I've wanted to pmo badly the last few days but I'm not going back. I keep reading about all these guys who made it through their reboot and are now able to have successful sex and healthy relationships and it keeps my resolve strong. At this point my biggest issue is not masterbating in a moment of weakness. I'm 58 days away from meeting my goal of 60 days of no MO and 90 of no PMO, at which point I will evaluate my progress and see if I need more time.
Day 29 11/19/11: I had a chaser effect and MOed again. I only lasted a few minutes but thankfully I wasn't a 10 second man like earlier today. Still in a good spot emotionally. I can't sleep though. I have a prescription for sleeping pills that I may start taking again. I wanted to avoid taking them just so things could be natural but it has been a real struggle to get to bed. I've really been working on cutting out the fantasizing and daydreaming so maybe that is the culprit behind my sleep struggles. I still daydream but for a much shorter duration.