Day 74 always a changing pattern.

Submitted by riselikethephoenix09 on
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The hardest thing about the reboot is accepting the fact you are never going to know when you will be rebooted.

That's where I seem to be right now. Accepting the fact I could have a noodle for a dick for 3 more months for all I know.

Addicts have goals: To use. Use again. Use more. An addict usually knows how he is going to get to his goal, when he will get to his goal and more likely than not when he will attain that goal again. When you take away this schedule of acheivment, the addict must replace these goals with something else. A new goal oriented addiction, or the goal of recovery. If the addict chooses recovery then he will be cast into a world of fog. The addicts must move forward through the fog, not knowing where the end of it is, or what direction he's heading. Thus, making it harder and harder to persist through recovery. But the truth is, the addict will never make it out of the fog.

The goal has become making it out the fog and forgetting about the real goal: recovery. The fog isn't there because they are recovering, it is there because they aren't acheiving the goals they used to and are not seeing reward from their goal right now. Their brain is wired to the all the rewards from all the goals they've acheived. These goals are fake though. A goal is something that is set, that you go out and bust your ass for to acheive. Sometimes there is no physical reward for that goal, but acheiving it in itself is the reward. That is a goal. Not something you can put in a bowl and smoke, open a bottle and drink, apply lotion and rub out.

The fog is there because the addict does not see the reward of recovery, thus the fog never lifts. Once the addict realizes he will always move forward indefinitely regardless of the direction, is when the fog lifts. Recovery has gone from goal oriented, to a GOAL. In life, this applies to everything. If you have a GOAL, always move forward regardless of the direction. People have to start realizing, in the grand scheme of things, space, time, and the universe moves forward. So if you have something positive like a GOAL in your life, you must aimlessly follow that. Because I believe when you do that you move along with the universe and everything falls into the right place. I believe that the flow itself of space and time and whatever hell else this reality is god him/itself. If you go with the flow you are following god so to speak. (maybe why most addicts find god to recover)

Anyway, before I get all prophetic, I just dropped in to say I am flatlining again after about 4 days of my first libido spark. No physical changes. Just having profound optimisim and clarity in life and all things around me. Seeing that all things are patterns and that even though patterns in themselves are consistent, they have a pattern of changing themselves as well. And finally coming to the acceptance, I will not know when I will be recovered and theres nothing that I can do to know that. But I will continue to move forward and do what I need to do to attain that goal and all the others I have for this lifetime.

I wrote a note to myself the other day and put it in my wallet so I take it everywhere with me. It reads:

"Success is not a moment in time, it is a mind frame. Hard work is not a single action, it is a commitment. Power is not what you can change around you, it is what you can change inside of you."

I hope this proved inspiring to those in struggle. Good luck.

Comments

we're still in the same page

Good luck in the newest flatline. I think you'll be good. Your libido is going to, all of a sudden, start building day by day and you're going to feel like the incredible hulk. You saw the flashes earlier than me and I'm definitely evening out (Day 90). One thing about the fog- since there's not going to be a point where you wake up and say, "I'm healed!", there's definitely going to be a testing period involved. I really buy the whole re-wiring thing I've read about on here where we're going to have to take steps to actively re-wire our brains to the real thing. Since that's starting to come in sigh for me, I think that's going to be the toughest part. It's like going into battle with an unproven weapon, ya know? We're going to have to accept the fog and just jump. Really inspiring post- the quote at the end was great. I'll leave you with another one that goes nicely with the fog and re-wiring ideas (and is a tattoo of a guy I know): Total Risk. Total Discipline. Total Freedom.

Appreciate it bro. I need a

Appreciate it bro. I need a little confidence that i don't have another 90 days to go. aha it sounds like we are having a somewhat similar reboot then. Keep me posted. Thanks, yea that quote is pretty badass.

Recovery truly

is a like stepping into the void. There are other goals that make you feel good and won't hurt you, such as exercise, time in nature, meditating, socializing.