So it's been over a week since I posted here. It's safe to say I have had no improvements.
This is a confusing journey. I feel like a spartan one day and asexual another. Sometimes even within hours I'll have a libido boost or drop. It just seems like after I climbed out of that 70 day flatline, I have just had really mini flatlines along the way. All I can say is mentally I feel great.
Confident, charismatic, energetic, content, have a sense of clarity and have reached a new level of rationalization I've never known before. But physically, all I have to say is WTF. Almost 100 days and I still can't get a 100% erection.
Last night my girl came over and we started to get physical, I could feel myself get turned on, but no physical response downstairs. Just bloodflow. She starts stroking me from my boxers and I start to get a little hard. A few minutes go by and I'm at like 60%. She starts giving me head and I told her that tonight was supposed to be about her and she told me she wants to get my stamina back up. I just couldn't deny her. Now last time, I was about 85-90% hard. I lasted 30 seconds. This time I was about 60-75% and lasted about 2 minutes. (5 minutes if you include the stroking.) Little better but no where near where I want to be. although I feel no chaser today and still feel my libido and theres no fog, I can't help but feel guilty because I don't think I should have orgasmed. I can't tell if it's slowing my reboot.
I have noticed another pattern. I go about 3 weeks and I feel a normal libido, but there is a week after a certain period of time where I have strong urges for sex, and touch. It's quite compelling. I feel it to be a libido surge. However, there seems to be no response down there. But also, during this time of peak arousal, I've typically had an orgasm. Twice by my hand and twice by my lady's. My libido dips down a little the night after, but quickly gets back up there. Erections are SLOWLY starting to surface, but their inconsistency is frustrating. I just so desperately want to be well again. To not feel like I'm missing something. To feel like the man I should and can be. I can easily overlook it because I have so much confidence and so much going for me, it's really hard to bruise my ego. But not being able to get a hard on in the call to duty after basically 100 days is a hard pill to swallow. I have said it in my last posts and I still say it with the same resolve. It does not matter how long, I will overcome. I know why people feel all alone, or incurable when it comes to this. There are so many things that slow the process that you don't even know are doing it. that's where i'm at right now too. They say most take over 100 days, but most posts on here don't have anyone near 100 days. so it's hard to find someone with similar progress after that much time. Just need faith. Faith in yourself and this process.
Another note, I don't know how this came to be, but something major happened to me the other night.
To make an intensely long story short, there is a girl who I've known for 10 years. she was my first crush, love, girlfriend, hell, everything that has to do with a girl. I did not know how to handle her then being the kid that i was. She played me, and i foolishly and blindly chased after her for many years. Soon after finally accepting i was never going to be with her, we became friends. Really close friends. We developed a unique relationship and it has always been highs and lows, great times bad times. We go from hating eachother to loving eachother. but there has always been a force keeping eachother in our lives. she has always said she loves me like a brother. I have never been able to accept that. I cared strongly about her even though my feeling of love for her dulled and rusted over the decade I've know her. But she was always there. With all my friends, everyone. She was always in the circle. SO. I went to work out with her and we got drinks afterwards the other day. I've noticed she's been really strange around me lately. Pissed when i don't call her, when i decide to hang with the boys, she shelled out a rididculous amount of cash for my birthday, she has just been on a real streak of doing things out of affection. not too out of the ordinary as she treated me like I was her brother for the greater part of 10 years so i overlook this. But the other night at the bar, we start drinking and we are talking about how long we've known eachother. She then tell me: "You're my best friend, I love you but......you're everything I want in a guy, I could see myself marrying you and having kids..I just feel like we could end up together one day." Everyone has always said over the years how we are going to get married. We always brushed off cause no one knew the extent of our relationship. But we ended up confessing our love and passion for one another. it was honestly intense. the man in me slaps me for saying this, but almost brough tears to my eyes. We kissed for the first time in 10 years and it was great. I don't think we are ready for eachother but the magnitude of this event was major for me. I feel like she is and always has been my soul mate. i just don't think we a re ready to be together yet. I dragged all this way out, but the point is, during all that time i was PMO'ing. I didn't know my sexuality. I really think that was a big event that kept me PMOing. The pain of seeing her everyday, seeing her date all these guys, just anguish on how i wasn't good enough. I think i discovered the cause of my addiciton that night. Being rejected by her. Well after healing and doing this reboot, somehow the man that i had buried deep within me is being uncovered and i think she is seeing it. it's attracting her. Crazy how thing work.
But I've probably put most of you to sleep, but I really needed to get all of this out. Just give me my dick back!! It's the only thing i'm missing in life! i'm willing to do whatever to know that I will be back to full health again and ready to have sex! It's all I want.
I remain relentless.