Day 99- a day away from the century mark.

Submitted by riselikethephoenix09 on
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So it's been over a week since I posted here. It's safe to say I have had no improvements.

This is a confusing journey. I feel like a spartan one day and asexual another. Sometimes even within hours I'll have a libido boost or drop. It just seems like after I climbed out of that 70 day flatline, I have just had really mini flatlines along the way. All I can say is mentally I feel great.
Confident, charismatic, energetic, content, have a sense of clarity and have reached a new level of rationalization I've never known before. But physically, all I have to say is WTF. Almost 100 days and I still can't get a 100% erection.

Last night my girl came over and we started to get physical, I could feel myself get turned on, but no physical response downstairs. Just bloodflow. She starts stroking me from my boxers and I start to get a little hard. A few minutes go by and I'm at like 60%. She starts giving me head and I told her that tonight was supposed to be about her and she told me she wants to get my stamina back up. I just couldn't deny her. Now last time, I was about 85-90% hard. I lasted 30 seconds. This time I was about 60-75% and lasted about 2 minutes. (5 minutes if you include the stroking.) Little better but no where near where I want to be. although I feel no chaser today and still feel my libido and theres no fog, I can't help but feel guilty because I don't think I should have orgasmed. I can't tell if it's slowing my reboot.

I have noticed another pattern. I go about 3 weeks and I feel a normal libido, but there is a week after a certain period of time where I have strong urges for sex, and touch. It's quite compelling. I feel it to be a libido surge. However, there seems to be no response down there. But also, during this time of peak arousal, I've typically had an orgasm. Twice by my hand and twice by my lady's. My libido dips down a little the night after, but quickly gets back up there. Erections are SLOWLY starting to surface, but their inconsistency is frustrating. I just so desperately want to be well again. To not feel like I'm missing something. To feel like the man I should and can be. I can easily overlook it because I have so much confidence and so much going for me, it's really hard to bruise my ego. But not being able to get a hard on in the call to duty after basically 100 days is a hard pill to swallow. I have said it in my last posts and I still say it with the same resolve. It does not matter how long, I will overcome. I know why people feel all alone, or incurable when it comes to this. There are so many things that slow the process that you don't even know are doing it. that's where i'm at right now too. They say most take over 100 days, but most posts on here don't have anyone near 100 days. so it's hard to find someone with similar progress after that much time. Just need faith. Faith in yourself and this process.

Another note, I don't know how this came to be, but something major happened to me the other night.
To make an intensely long story short, there is a girl who I've known for 10 years. she was my first crush, love, girlfriend, hell, everything that has to do with a girl. I did not know how to handle her then being the kid that i was. She played me, and i foolishly and blindly chased after her for many years. Soon after finally accepting i was never going to be with her, we became friends. Really close friends. We developed a unique relationship and it has always been highs and lows, great times bad times. We go from hating eachother to loving eachother. but there has always been a force keeping eachother in our lives. she has always said she loves me like a brother. I have never been able to accept that. I cared strongly about her even though my feeling of love for her dulled and rusted over the decade I've know her. But she was always there. With all my friends, everyone. She was always in the circle. SO. I went to work out with her and we got drinks afterwards the other day. I've noticed she's been really strange around me lately. Pissed when i don't call her, when i decide to hang with the boys, she shelled out a rididculous amount of cash for my birthday, she has just been on a real streak of doing things out of affection. not too out of the ordinary as she treated me like I was her brother for the greater part of 10 years so i overlook this. But the other night at the bar, we start drinking and we are talking about how long we've known eachother. She then tell me: "You're my best friend, I love you but......you're everything I want in a guy, I could see myself marrying you and having kids..I just feel like we could end up together one day." Everyone has always said over the years how we are going to get married. We always brushed off cause no one knew the extent of our relationship. But we ended up confessing our love and passion for one another. it was honestly intense. the man in me slaps me for saying this, but almost brough tears to my eyes. We kissed for the first time in 10 years and it was great. I don't think we are ready for eachother but the magnitude of this event was major for me. I feel like she is and always has been my soul mate. i just don't think we a re ready to be together yet. I dragged all this way out, but the point is, during all that time i was PMO'ing. I didn't know my sexuality. I really think that was a big event that kept me PMOing. The pain of seeing her everyday, seeing her date all these guys, just anguish on how i wasn't good enough. I think i discovered the cause of my addiciton that night. Being rejected by her. Well after healing and doing this reboot, somehow the man that i had buried deep within me is being uncovered and i think she is seeing it. it's attracting her. Crazy how thing work.

But I've probably put most of you to sleep, but I really needed to get all of this out. Just give me my dick back!! It's the only thing i'm missing in life! i'm willing to do whatever to know that I will be back to full health again and ready to have sex! It's all I want.

I remain relentless.

Comments

gotta stop the intentional O's

You can't do it yourself and you can't let your siren gf entice you. If you're having a rough time, you're not at a point where you should be having orgasms yet. I'm at Day 113 and feeling like I'm only now starting to really need to orgasm for the first time in months. You can't let her slow you down- no one is worth you getting this area of your life right.

A word of encouragement- when I turned a corner around Day 90 or so, I wouldn't say I was ready to have sex or get a blowjob. I just started feeling better mentally and emotionally with a corresponding slight improvement downstairs. You shouldn't be looking for raging erections yet. I would suggest killing cardio and doing kegels if you haven't been doing so already. Also, how's your diet? Get lots of good fat- cod liver oil, coconut oil, avocado, brazil nuts etc. If you're feeling good mentally, you're definitely progressing. You'll turn another corner soon and start gaining momentum all of a sudden. Hell, I turned another corner after having wet dreams on back to back nights.

Good luck man. Keep pushing.

Similar situation

I'm in the same boat. Around day 95 with a new partner. I'm experiencing the same things, fluctuating erection strength, libido, all of it. I do believe that recovering is right about the O's interfering with the process, I just don't know if it's worth stopping either. I think it also takes time with some people to re-wire to real women.

I look forward to hearing about the next couple of weeks!

ah, gdub, i see where your

ah, gdub, i see where your hostility towards me comes. when i refer to the girl i am dating as "my girl" i may use that term too strongly. as of now i don't have a girlfriend. i am just casually dating her. we don't want to make anything official because of my issue and we only see eachother once a week. so things are going by very slowly for us. ( we have been dating for 3 months) when it comes to the girl who i've known for 10 years and we are just now finding out how we feel about eachother, it was just an in the moment kind of thing. probably nothing will come out of it now cause we both know we just aren't ready to be together yet. one day indefinitely we will though.

thanks for the words of wisdom recovering. not too worried about my diet because i am VERY nutrition and fitness savy, but i can attribute my late progress in this reboot soley to orgasms. i don't know what else could be holding me back. ya know? i still have confidence and faith. it just is a little discouraging to be on here for weeks reading other peoples stories, relating, reassuring you that you are on the same level with others, to slowly start seeing you are on a different road to recovery than the others you read about and relating becomes harder and harder. that's where skepticism is born. that is the enemy i am fighting now.

I guess i just gotta keep focusing on the road ahead, worry about my partner's O's and body over mine and just hope that willy wakes up to get a piece of the action. maybe day 120 will bring the next cycle of improvements.

Thanks for sharing your beautiful story

Yes, it is amazing how magnetic you guys become as you "come back to life." So her reaction doesn't surprise me.

Late in the reboot, it's sometimes hard to know what's best. Avoiding contact isn't good, but pushing your sexual performance isn't usually helpful either. Continue to steer for a middle ground.

In any case, it sounds like your body is waking up in its own mysterious way...at its own mysterious pace.

try energy circulation

I swear it's been working for me. I can't find the link from YBOP about trying to make your genitals "heat up" with energy, but I would try to draw your attention into your penis. For me, there's still a feeling of strain, like I can't go into it the same way I can draw my attention into my hand. But if you can feel your penis from the inside along the entire length, I bet you'll start noticing activity. I did energy flow exercises this morning and everything felt much more awake the rest of the day (hard, spontaneous erections etc.) Give it a try- I bet energy flow exercises would help a lot of people who don't see results despite holding off PMO for a lot of days.

I wish more of you would experiment with some of these exercises

...at least those of you who have been rebooting for a long time, with less than full recovery.

There are various approaches here from different traditions. Some of these techniques have been around for thousands of years. They may be the key to jump-starting your your sexuality after a reboot, especially if you inadvertently wired to Internet porn at the start.

http://yourbrainonporn.com/tools-solo-energy-practices

Meanwhile, I'll add your remarks to the relvant page on YBOP. Thanks.