It's been a long time since I've written here. A lot's happened, especially recently.
First thing is, I moved to a new place. A bit simpler, a bit cheaper, a bit more interesting neighborhood.
Since then... well, what to say? I've been thinking about posting here for a while- since soon after I moved, about a month ago. I didn't engage in PMO for a while after moving here- maybe about two weeks. I wasn't really fighting it either, it was just- I don't know, I didn't feel like that was the default thing to do anymore. Like if I was bored or idle or lonely or whatever.
And I guess that's what this post might have been about, otherwise- that I didn't for two weeks, but then I succumbed for a couple days, then I didn't for two weeks, etc. It might be about that, if it wasn't for the girl.
On paper it should have never happened this way. I'd been nursing a crush on her for, well, the better part of a year. That's typically not a good sign for any relationship... you get all into this fantasy version of a person in your head, and it's all too easy to get the two conflated. Add that to the fact that, in my experience, going from friends to something more with a woman a ways into things is something that often doesn't happen. I'd avoided pursuing it before because we are colleagues at the same company, something I once told myself I wasn't going to do. On top of that, I had various amounts of residual guilt from my past relationship, performance anxiety around MTP, although more than anything just fear of rejection.
But in this case... we were out. At one point, I was looking into her eyes, she was looking back at me waiting for me to finish my sentence, and I realized I had to tell her how I felt. Like it was now or never. And so I did. It didn't come out perfectly, but it came out honest and real. And it went better than expected. I kissed her... eventually we had to part and she looked back at me with these deep eyes I wanted to drown in and stay in that moment forever.
A couple days later, I asked her to go out that day and she said she was busy. My stomach sank, my mind started catastrophising. The work week was stressful. I could feel myself, watch myself, becoming needy. I started feeling upset. Why won't she see me? She didn't cancel our plans for the next weekend but... was it just a fluke? I came down with a cold. Had to take a day off from work, and came back the next day sniffling and sneezing.
I was able to get some rest and, when I did, correct myself. This was what I knew to be wary of. I'd imagined us being together before... but this wasn't like that. At least not yet. I was comparing the actual situation with what I had in my mind. Before it was easy enough- one was real, the other fake. But now something was happening... but it was going slowly. Like a tiny sapling that could one day grow into a strong tree, but for now was delicate and could easily be handled by needy or overeager hands....
I'll skip the play by play and just say.... things are going well. On the PMO front, I've been mostly clean the past month, except for two 48 hour slips. It's not perfect, but that's a lot better than I've been doing for a very long time. And, well, I have a reason to outside myself now.
It just feels, different. It doesn't feel like some struggle between doing PMO, and sitting there not doing PMO. I started to get really horny- I didn't flatline this last time, I just kept getting more energetic and horny, and I could feel that energy wanting to go someplace else. It was like, I desired a woman, and it occurred to me to use that energy to find and be with a woman. Heh. Seems pretty straightforward, right? I mean, I think what I'm describing is normality. But it felt new... and it felt surprisingly robust, though I knew in the back of my head that might suddenly change.
I broke down a couple days ago. That day, I was just feeling emotionally annihilated. Just a combination of a couple things. Feeling needy and not paid attention to, didn't eat lunch till 5 and it made me feel loopy then tired then awkward... I was leaving soon for a three week trip and it seemed like she didn't want to see me even though she said she did, and I couldn't keep myself from emotionally overreacting.
Today she came over for a while. We spent time on my bed, we didn't go all the way but we spent time kissing and touching and cuddling and tousling... she said she was going to leave sooner, but she wound up staying, she put off her errands for the next day, and we stayed like that for a while, and let time disappear. She asked if I was upset that she came over, but we didn't have sex. I said of course, and that I enjoyed myself. To be honest I was glad we didn't too. I hadn't recovered fully from my 48 hour slip that ended only a day before. And it's just, I don't know, I loved being there in that moment with her with nowhere to hurry to, no goal, just being close, tender. I think I'll be able to stay in that place, where I don't overthink it, and just go in the flow of the moment. I feel so incredibly lucky. And I can maintain this, I can be realistic at the same time.
It doesn't even feel right to say, I'm gonna not PMO from here on out, because it makes it seem like that not-doing itself is some kind of activity. But it's not. I'm just going to use that time and that energy towards something else. Something that feels a hell of a lot better, and a lot more real, and makes me feel more connected not less. And something that brings that energy into the lives of other people in my life.
I'm going to be gone for three weeks. Visiting the homestead. I'm going to miss her a lot. I'm going to write to her. But I'm mostly going to keep my mind in the present, with the people I'll be spending time with. A lot of fun things plan, a lot of people I haven't seen in many months. And I'm going to come back here refreshed, relaxed, and ready for life's next chapter.