It's been a while since I've posted here. I have been in and out of sobriety for a while. I abstain for a while when I have something important to do, but then slip. I've been going for 2-3 weeks without O, then binge for a few days and back at it. The last week of my abstinence is pretty nice, but then it is soon back to day 1.
Yes, I am hitting the 60 day mark with no orgasm and porn is less of a temptation. I do have urges to act on my bottom lines, but I remember how much I enjoy being more grounded and together. Plus there is a lot to lose from acting out. It's not just the act, but there is the whirlwind that surrounds it. It is not something that I can do without it affecting my life in big ways. This thought is what has been keeping me abstinent lately.
It has been 50 long days since I last had an orgasm. I have not gone without in a long time. My main motivation is that I need to be present for my work and school and when I am acting out, I am not. When acting out, its bad, I am not at all present, things are let go, I struggle just to hold basic things together. I'm anxious, I'm a mess. My relationships get screwy, I'm isolated, people give me less because I give less. It's nasty. It really adds stress to my life and makes it impossible to take care of the things that are important to me.
It's been a tough week, but I am hanging in there. I've enjoyed having a little more wherewithal and enjoying simpler things, but some of the urges and physical/psychological withdrawals have been intense. And it doesn't take much for me to become triggered either. It can be as small as a sexy look at the grocery store while I am shopping or just the feeling the physical need to just act out.
It's been a while since I've posted, mostly because I have been busy. Busy is good because it means less trouble! But there is always time for trouble too. I dipped back into my old habits for a while, and, like always, it was painful. But I am on the upswing again and trying to keep focused. What a world of difference between how I feel when I am in the thick of my addiction and when I have some freedom from it. It's way too easy to forget.
It's been a while since I've posted here. It's certainly been a wild ride since I started recovery. A lot of relapses, good stretches, long binges, and insights from them all.
I haven't been writing in a while because I have been busy with school and work. Unfortunately, when I get stressed, I am less likely to follow up with habits that have helped me in the past. But it is fine. I have also been too busy to act out on any major bottom lines.
This semester has been busy. I like staying busy, but it can be difficult to manage everything if I relapse. I haven't relapsed on a major bottom line in a long time, but my body seems to be sensitive to PMO and dieting practices. I have been trying no Pmo and paleo in tandem for about a year now. I thought that removing the big o by itself was difficult, but modify both dietary and sexual habits together are difficult. But it is rewarding to hit the sweet spots of mentally clarity that both of them offer, especially when they come together.
I havent made a journal entry in a while, but I know that journaling has been a big help in the past. Reflection is valuable and this is one of the only places that I feel that I can express these types of thoughts. Nofap reddit is nice, but I feel that a lot of the members do not fully understand the sexual addiction aspect of all of this. It is a good place to read about other people struggling day to day with porn. Porn isnt really my issue these days.
My mind has been extremely foggy over the past few days. I am feeling quite a lull in my mood and thinking. I am 10 days into no PMO, which it's expected, but this is pretty brutal. I have had the familiar withdrawal symptoms. I haven't gone through a full withdrawal in long time. I think I went to 10 days last month, but I slept with Forun girl. Today I'm feeling pretty repulsed by the thought of sex except the compulsion to act out on my bottom line behaviors are present. It might be because the last time I tried abstinence, that's how I ended it- major relapse.