Trying to start off with a woman on the good foot

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Submitted by Rockhardington on
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I am currently trying to approach a woman I am dating with the strategies of karezza. I have had a few successes, but a few flops as I am going through the dip of withdrawal. My first effort in this relationship has been to stop having sex with other people. For the first 6 weeks, I continued to have sex with other women I have been dating. This has not been ideal, but I have used sex in the way that I would use porn-to handle and cover my emotions in dealing with the relationship. We had sex one week ago and I had sex with someone else 6 days ago and I have not touched PMO at all in a month. I have been slowly decreasing sex with other people since I met her, but I am now trying to remove it all. Like removing porn, I am going to feel some vulnerability without my crutch.

She wants to not have sex because she feels conflicted because she is a Christian. We try, but we still end up doing it. To be honest, I am having a hard time not having that form of expression of intimacy with someone I'm romantically involved with. I get insecure not having that type of reassurance, but I know that this is superior to my normal way of operating. I'm just not at all used to it and my recent dating practices have not been all that supportive of this kind of relationship. I don't really expect it to work, I'm shooting myself in the foot a lot right now because I'm constantly in withdrawals, and withdrawals and women don't always bring out the best, but I am trying to do this nonetheless.

I can feel her pulling away, but this whole thing is reminding me of where I need to put my mind while I am dating. Things are winding down with the other two partners, so hopefully, I will be able to sit still and date soberly for a while or not at all so I can approach a genuine relationship at some point in the future. There are so many things I want to focus on right now anyhow and continual orgasm with women that I am semi interested in is just another way of acting out.

Until I destroy this completely or it falls apart on its on, I will continue to keep trying karezza. I remember the last time I tried this with a woman, things kept surfacing in my mind that caused problems. But I learned a lot.

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My intuition says

that this is The Way Out for you, and that you may discover who you really are beneath the addiction if you stick with karezza for a while. Can you just go for bonding behaviors for a bit without trying to add in intercourse right away?

We have been together twice

We have been together twice since we last had sex. I start to ramp things up. We keep doing this back and forth struggle. She starts to get into the sexual vibe, and really that's the only way to get affection from her. If we are just cuddling, she is not very responsive and does not hardly initiate. She always waits for me to make the first move. We are definitely lacking the reciprocity and evenness. When I start to pull away, she gets a little more interested. Both times we ended up talking about our situation and opening up a little. She starts to leave when things get a little heated and I start to pull her back in with the sexual vibe. I know it's coming from an unhealthy place, but I really just want her affection.

She mentioned that she wanted me to put up the boundaries instead of her all the time. It is very challenging because I am definitely wanting my drug. She is not sure if this is something that I really want to do because I keep doing something different than what I say. I tell her that I want to try to do this, but she is missing a piece of the puzzle- that there is this whole addiction behind some of my behavior.

Despite these complications, and despite me not being the one to set the boundary, I am encouraged that we have held out and that I have not acted out with any type of orgasm in a week. I need to keep doing what has worked for me in the past with the PMO addiction. My vibe was a little stronger with her today, made more eye contact, held myself better in conversation, so the initial no O benefits are encouraging.

In the meantime, I will need to do some reading up on this subject again. Thanks for your support.