Winter Update

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Submitted by Rockhardington on
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I haven't been writing in a while because I have been busy with school and work. Unfortunately, when I get stressed, I am less likely to follow up with habits that have helped me in the past. But it is fine. I have also been too busy to act out on any major bottom lines.

I over-committed myself for the fall semester and played catch-up for most of the semester. I managed to do fine in my classes, but I was not able to give 100% attention and devotion to everything. My scope was also narrow throughout the semester because I was not taking care of my sobriety, not practicing sobriety, and not doing the important things that help pull me along. Part of this was due to the amount of stress and stress, as we know, is a major factor in depression, addiction, and poor emotional states. I felt like I was just maintaining throughout the semester and just trying to manage myself. That is not to say that I did not abstain from PMO at times. In fact, I had a particularly tough week with finals that required a lot of presentations and group work, things that require interpersonal skills and confidence. I knew that this would be emotionally challenging in my addictive state, so I used abstaining from PMO to get the upper hand on the situation. I have done this in the past just because I am so familiar with the highs and lows of addiction and how it affects my abilities. Finals worked out fine and I was able to be present for most of them.

I have been with forun girl for a while, but I have ventured out on her a couple of times and am in communication via social media with women that I have known in the past, but they are on the other side of the country. She is no doubt a great person and we are growing closer in a lot of ways, and I am happy to be with her. But I am still an addict and my addiction rears its head every so often. We are spending more time together than in the past and I have considered to be with her for the long haul, but I have been keeping in contact with other women.

Since I have had less stress after finals, I have started with the paleo diet again, but I have yet to start exercising again. I went through a heavy carb withdrawal earlier in the week, so my mind hasn't been entirely friendly. Also, being a week into no PMO is challenging. I haven't been too motivated to do much really because of the withdrawals, but I get these moments of clarity that are nice. I wouldn't do any of these things unless I got the occasional euphoric rewards of simple clarity.

Comments

I'm amazed

at how blasé you are about cheating on your partner. Do you want to remain a sex addict? If not, you're going to have to pedal a lot harder.

A month of no PMO

I've had a month of no PMO and its had its normal ups and downs. I haven't gone this long in a while. I am in a pretty low flatline overall. I had the peaks and dips for a couple of weeks. I had the superman confidence for a second and the dip as I was expecting. About a week and a half ago I started feeling the dark flatline feelings. This week, I have felt particularly foggy and heavy.

Despite these feelings, I have managed to accomplish a few needed things. I applied to some programs and it seems likely that I will get into the one I want, defined my career path, moved from an oppressive roommate situation, kept a little more social, and did about three weeks of solid paleo cooking trying new recipes each night.

Despite the flatline, I am feeling sexual attraction for random girls that I vibe with on a daily basis. I try to shut down, but I feel the sexual attraction and I seem to be open to their response. This gets into my mind and it's hard to shake off, like I just missed an opportunity or something. But overall, my brain is just foggy. I know that part of the reason is too much time spent in front of the computer, but I have been pretty lethargic in my past dips. I dont think I've experienced a full flatline like this in well over a year, so I am having to get used to it again.

My partner has been good and supportive lately. I do like our chemistry a lot more when I am free from the PMO. Despite my flatline and lethargy, I am more stable and present with her. She does push for sex and we have had it a few times, but I do not orgasm. The girl that calls me up for random sex texted a few weeks back, but I have not responded because I do not want to interfere with my efforts. I may be low energy right now, but I am stable and that is what I need.

Damn!

You never fail to amaze me.

I'm really impressed. Hope the fog clears up sooner rather than later. A number of guys report that mood/brain stuff seems to stabilize around two months, so if you make it that far, let me know what you think about that estimate.

Sounds like you're even playing around with karezza. Wow! I-m so happy

 

Thought of you

when I read this post:

NoFap website vs. shame & fear (self.NoFap)

submitted 15 hours ago by effiebies7 days

I've been in psychotherapy for years, and recently had a breakthrough - that way too much of my drive in life comes from shame and fear. I'm ashamed of myself, my ADHD, my fapping, my sexuality, blah blah blah. And I'm afraid of what would happen if anyone ever found out about it all. A never-ending cycle of shame and fear of being found out. Early in my therapy, over four years ago, shame and fear helped me to get PMO'ing under control, but it's been a miserable existence.
As I recently began to understand how shame and fear were destroying my life, and started trying to live without them, I suddenly felt what it was like to do things because I wanted to do them, liked doing them, felt that they were right, rather than because I was ashamed of myself, or afraid of being discovered, irrational as that sounds. Suddenly, life was good (and I was able to cut my Prozac does in half).
Then, an old friend came back to visit - fapping. You see, without having shame and fear to control my fapping there was nothing to stop me from getting lost on the internet and then wacking my brains out.
Enter NoFap. I know much of the source of my health problems, ED, a really miserable marriage, and depression came from a lifetime of fapping. I don't want to porn and fap. I want to have real relationships with real people. I've only been with you guys for a week, but I have to tell you, even without the shame and fear that used to dominate my life, I feel like I now have more strength over the fapping than ever before. Just knowing there are so many other guys out there, fighting the good fight, is helping me in immeasurable ways.
Thanks, all.

It's tough to find that balance between dumping all shame and yet steering for your true best interests.

Mid-winter Check in

Its been up and down, but more ups overall. Staying busy is keeping me out of trouble, but I can find ways if I let my guard down. Despite a couple of slips, I have been able to manage and recover in a decent amount of time. For example, this weekend, I had orgasmed, but did not get stuck in my head and was able to finish the important tasks.

I am still with forun girl and things are working out well. We spend a lot of time together and even have a class together. It's kind of fun. That relationship seems healthy because we provide support for each other. I still have my coolidge effect thoughts rising every so often, but I am too busy to act on them.

The last year or so, I have not spent much time developing much other than career. I am in the final stretch of my program and it has been busy. I volunteered to do all of these extracurricular activities with work and school and it has increased my workload substantially.

The one thing that is bothering and holding me up the most right now it seems is these thoughts I have had of "missed sexual opportunities". It seems trivial, but it has such a strong pull on me. I went on a date with a woman over the summer and it almost turned into sex, in fact it was very close, but I did not act on it. I keep longing for that opportunity. Especially when I pass by the building on my way to work. If I pass by an old stripclub or am reminded of old acting out, it just feels uncomfortable or strange, but this reminder is actually very appealing. This has been hard to shake and it kind of has me intrigued enough to want to seek out similar opportunities. The main factor that is preventing me from doing any of these activities is that I am too busy.

That "I've missed out" thought sounds like

it could be a projection coming from a subconscious sense of lack. Have you tried tracking the occurence of those demanding thoughts in relation to orgasms?

Glad to hear you're still chugging in the relationship and enjoying the good bits. That's a healthy step for you.