My Sex Addiction

Submitted by sbpulliam on
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I think I'll get something out of this. My wife discovered my going to strip clubs back in October. I initially denied, but then confirmed that I went some. In December she got a hold of my smart phones thru location & discovered that I was going to strip clubs 1-3 times a week, even at lunch. We've been fighting a lot for the last couple of years, she's a control freak, nitpicking, nagging. I moved out January 1st, filed for divorce January 4th, and she proceeded to discover thru looking at cash withdrawals that I've spent $40,000 over the last 5 years, which of course is all true. The secret is out, my 3 adult daughters know about dad and I'm going to SLAA 3 times a week, and seeing a SAT counselor. Her being a super catholic, I'm not sure she will ever get over this. She is seeing her own SAT counselor. I've told her my doubts about us & I can't even imagine moving back in for at least another 6-7 months. We were seeing each other once a week, but I got tired of her acting like am the worst person in the world. It probably doesn't that I think I probably am. So now we text each other 1-2 times a week. It makes it easier to be nice when you're texting. My support group, SLAA, I love and this helps me make it thru the day. I've been sober 43 days. The divorce is on pause, but will be dismissed over the next few weeks, if we do nothing. I need to stop beating myself up & allow my wife lots of time to somehow get over the betrayal & start to trust me again.

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Ah, I see you did start a blog!

Good. Here's what I posted elsewhere. I'll delete it there.

Sorry for what you've been going through

This is no longer a recovery forum, but you are welcome to hang around. That said, if you also have a porn issue, I can suggest a number of good forums for porn recovery (many guys also "act out" with real people). Internet porn, with its unending variety, can drive a need for novelty in real life too.

What are your goals? Are you hoping to find a way to build a harmonious relationship with your wife? Or do you want a fresh start? Or? If you get back together, do you think you and your wife might like to try a different approach to sex ? Have a look here: Karezza is for addicts (too)

If you want to stay here, feel free to start your own blog. Do that by clicking on "Members Blogs" and then on "My Blog" and copy the above post there.

Thanks for sharing your story. It's tough being a human, particularly in today's hypersexually stimulating environment. The part of our brains that drives sexual arousal didn't evolve with so many enticements around. It's difficult to say "no" to sexual stimulation, especially when it seems harmless enough.

The thing to keep in mind is that close, trusted relationships are good for wellbeing, and even longevity. And too much sexual novelty can definitely cause us to undervalue a mate. Pair Bonding 101: Beware Novelty-As-Aphrodisiac | Your Brain On Porn

That said, life is messy, and there are no easy answers. It takes two to heal. If you do decide you want to get back together with your wife, read this: The Lazy Way to Stay in Love

Best of luck figuring things out!

 

my sex addiction

Thanks for your feedback. I'm not sure what I want other than ending this sex addiction. So far so good, not having many thoughts of going back to strip clubs.Being sober 43 days isn't a lot, but it's a start. Since i refuse to be a roommate with my wife, and when we saw each other, it was like talking to the neighbor across the street, I lost it and went into a rant, about all the things that I think she has contributed to our troubled marriage. I can't believe our entire marriage the only issue is my addiction to strip clubs, otherwise we would have been fine. It's very difficult to separate my behavior from her behavior. My best guess is that perhaps July or August we will start seeing each other again to see if she will stop or cut back on bringing up my past with strip clubs and hopefully I will stop bringing up her controlling, nitpicking stuff... She said actions speak louder than words and she can see our checking account activity. I'm not playing the game like opening up a separate account. I intend to stay honest...

I admire your courage

and patience.

I'm no expert, but I have learned one useful thing. If you want both of you to calm down and see each other more lovingly, one of the most effective ways to do that is bonding behaviors. Unfortunately, they need to be almost daily to be effective, so don't expect much for now. However, you could start with the non-sexual ones now, whenever you see her. Again, check out this link, so you understand how to harness your primitive brains in the process. Kiss 3The Lazy Way to Stay in Love

And, I'm guessing that if the tables were turned, you'd need some time to "vent" and regain trust. So, try not to feel too discouraged, even when she behaves badly.

I'm glad you have a healthy sense of your own self-worth. That's a great gift to you both. You're certainly right that we all make mistakes, and yours could have been a lot worse. Biggrin

I can do lazy

Thanks, Marnia for your thoughts. I let her know my rant was way over the top and that I wouldn't do it again. I've been so focused on my recovery, it's been stressful to get anyone to want to hear my frustrations about my marriage. I miss my wife so much, but when we're together for now, it can turn real bad in an instant. At least with texting you can review before you send it. So you're response means so much. Besides walking all the time, I'm going to start playing basketball since I need some hobbies. Of course my last hobby (strip clubs) is over. People don't really believe me, but that's OK. My anger has been less over the last few days. So, I think I'm rebalancing some. I know I need to be careful, anger all the time causes you to act out, and so does being overconfident. One day at a time. I will keep doing this quite a bit....I appreciate you're insight....Maybe in a few months I'll get lazy,,

Honestly, you sound like

you've already made a lot of progress.

A few years ago, one of the authors of this book Love You Hate the Porn asked me to read it. See if you can get your library to find a copy for you to read. It's not really about "porn," but rather healing separations between couples that crash on something along those lines.

I've been so focused on helping men regain their balance after too much porn, that I hadn't really focused much on what the partners are dealing with. (My husband and I found that we couldn't support both well in the same cyberspace, because the partners need different kinds of support...even though their needs kind of overlap a bit too.)

Anyway, this book was written for both husband and wife, and I thought the authors did a solid job of helping each understand the other. Basically, it explained that as far as your wife goes..she's going to have to...well...bitch...for a while as part of her healing, and that your strategy is simply to listen (without buying into any harsh judgments about yourself). Basically just listen until she winds down. And on the next occasion...do exactly the same thing. But really listen with eye contact and any other bonding behaviors you can sneak in...when appropriate, such as asking if you can give her a hug at the end of any speeches.

She's actually just as hungry for your comforting touch, and the sooner that's restored, the better all the way around.

Also, you might like this article. My husband uses its techniques all the time to tame me. Works well. Yes 3

What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage

Pain

Man, I feel for you, it is such a painful time. My Isadora and I have separated twice in our 37 year marriage.
First, own your anger. It's yours. Your ranting and trying to get your wife to own up to her part in your addiction is a spiral to hell. Don't go there. Do some hard physical work to get that anger out. I like to chop wood and yell at politicians (best done in the street with others, not at home at the screen). Keep with the SLAA and stop taking her inventory. Focus on your healing.
Talking to her as a neighbor from across the street is not a bad idea. You will be polite and helpful if called upon. I've done this with some benefit. I act as though my wife is an unobtainable woman that I have a crush on (we're both married to another person fantasy) . It cuts down on the expectations ("I refuse to be a roommate with my wife") while allowing the full feeling of love. Kind of like Marnia's Courtly Companions.

You couldn't be more right

No more ranting, that was stupid, I felt good only while I was doing it. Part of what is going on, and I don't know why is that it seems like we've been separated for 5-6 months, though it hasn't even been 3 months. I'll keep texting once a week or so. She'll call if she has to. You're right I've got plenty of inventory. I'll be patient and she'll get better over time.