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Thank you Marnia!

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My wife and I had an extra-nice session last night. It lasted around 2.5 hours and really connected; an other-worldly expression of our loving feelings for one another manifest in our physical bodies - it's quite something. Lately it seems like each session is even better than the one before although I'm not sure how that's possible. These days we fully enjoy sex, surrenduring completely to it rather than being worried about an unintentional release which rarely happens anymore.

New insight

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After so many years of marriage, I just had an insight. I'm in a different place now around our sexual connection; much less needy and not pushy or demanding at all. Karezza has given me that gift. But I've been noticing that our frequency of relaxing and connecting, and ultimately intercourse varies wildly. Sometimes we go every day. Other times it's 1x per week or two. I think the difference has to do with when we're in a good Karezza rhythm vs. when we're not.

Orgasms suck

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O.K., they haven't gotten less fun in the moment, but the more experience I have with Karezza-style sex, the more I dislike the post-O hangover. Specifically, I no longer regard my O-free self as having super-powers. Instead, I view my post-O self as having an illness with flu-like symptoms; I suppose you could call it POIS. But whatever it is, I feel tired; like I have to drag myself through life just to get through the day and it's a struggle to pierce the brain fog. Not even exercise and coffee can fix it.

I just realized a pattern in my marriage

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My wife can be very stingy with affection. Her default setting is to just not think about it, I guess. She focuses all of her energy on what has to get done. At the end of the day, she's exhausted and there's nothing left for me/us. It's hard for her to switch into an "us" space when she's already tired. I find this hard to understand because even when I'm tired, I "make room" to give her affection; backrubs, footrubs, etc. I like doing those things for her; I like giving of myself to her in that way. And I don't expect anything in return, at least not in a quid-pro-quo way.

Rationalization is a red flag

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that my mating program is trying to take control. Last night my wife and I had a great Karezza session, but I had to end it sooner than I would have liked because I got too heated up. Then I had trouble sleeping due to thoughts about masturbating to orgasm. I did edge for a few minutes, but I didn't go to orgasm; that's a first - usually I can't hold out. But I don't want to edge. I don't like the feeling of fighting myself. Even if I "win", I still lose because I've activated pathways in my brain that I want to shut off, or at least quiet way down.

Triggered

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Last night, while out to dinner, I encountered an attractive woman who triggered me. There was something about her; she was kind of in my face, standing a little too close and giving me like this penetrating eye contact. I think she was flirting; I'm not very good at picking that up. But I definitely was receiving some kind of energy from her. On the way home from dinner, I caught myself thinking about her a couple of times. After that, I didn't sleep well.

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