Frustrated

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Our love making has become really wonderful, but it's been happening in fits and starts. My wife says she will prioritize it, but hasn't really. We've been bonding almost every night, which has helped, but at times [like right now] I feel frustrated because we're not having enough intercourse. I don't know what to do about it.

It's a catch 22 because I'm trying to avoid having any sort of expectations about what happens in any particular encounter; is it 5 minutes of bonding? 20 minutes? Intercourse for 1.5 hours? It's all good. But when it's been a week since we've had intercourse, I find myself trying to engineer the situation for it to occur. She interprets that as me chasing her, which she hates; that only drives her away. If I bring it up (no matter how low key my tone is), it's like I'm pressuring her which is even worse. So I'm not sure how to have a voice in the matter. I find that, no matter how enthusiastically and frequently I engage in the bonding behaviors with her, and even though I enjoy them a lot, a lack of intercourse still accumulates and turns into frustration in me.

We have a child, and we both work. Her work hours are inflexible, and she works too much. Maybe we can make some choices about how to create a more relaxed lifestyle, and we probably need to do that, but that's not going to happen in the short term. I suppose I need to tell her I'm frustrated that she's coming home late and tired every night. That's true for me.

The way it typically goes down is something ilke this. After a long day of work, she comes home, has dinner, we put the kid to bed, then she has more things to get done; unfinished work, bills, laundry, etc. I help with as much as I possibly can - whatever she lets me help with. But there is still a lot to do, and I understand that. But by the time she is free, she's exhausted. And I don't mean tired, like ok, let's lie together and we'll perk up tired, I mean exhausted. We've tried scheduling the sex. But that hasn't worked so well. When the time comes, if she's feeling tired, it just doesn't happen. Then we have a blown sex date which leads to even more feelings of frustration. It's kind of ironic because I know the purpose of scheduling sex is to take the pressure off.

I know this isn't a new story. It's just really frustrating because her job suddenly got more demanding; just at the time when we discovered Karezza! God dammit! We used to be able to watch 2 hours of TV together without thinking about it; as recently as a few months ago. But now, just when we've discovered this amazing thing we *could* be spending our time doing, that time dries up.

Maybe my expectations are too high. Perhaps I should settle for sex 1x / week. I don't want to; not now that we have tasted "the good life". But right now, maybe that's all I can reasonbly expect.

Comments

expectations really mess us up

but we all have them. Attachments to a hoped-for outcome.

Can't be helped.

The Buddha had it right I suppose but how can we live that way?

'Tain't easy.

Think it through.

I think it becomes a thing where we think it's that we're being purposely thwarted. That she's avoiding sex. Do you feel that way?

If so, do you have an idea of what's going on?

Being exhausted certainly is a huge factor. But isn't it also this isn't the priority for her that it is for you? Or is that not it?

emerson wrote:

[quote=emerson]I think it becomes a thing where we think it's that we're being purposely thwarted. That she's avoiding sex. Do you feel that way?If so, do you have an idea of what's going on?[/quote]

I'm not sure. I think she is low drive most of the time (except when she's ovulating). When we "get into it", she's glad and really enjoys it. But the "energy of activation" is high, and her being either in type-A "do mode" or exhausted doesn't help. The thing that is confusing me now is the dynamic tension between her low drive and my attempts to not apply any kind of pressure. If I initiate, it's often felt as an expectation, which backfires. If I don't initiate, she will not invite me [often enough]. Scheduling sex hasn't worked well because when the scheduled time arrives, she's often too tired. I really don't know how to solve it. I think I need to convince her to work less. Her constant tiredness is limiting our sex life.

[quote=emerson]Being exhausted certainly is a huge factor. But isn't it also this isn't the priority for her that it is for you? Or is that not it?[/quote]

That could be part of it. If it was a high priority for her, she'd find a way to reserve some energy. However, in addition to her low sex drive, we really do have busy work lives and a child. We don't have parents that help out, and we live where there aren't other kids for her to play with. So there really is a lot on our plates. This year has been especially difficult as she's had some serious health issues to overcome. I believe she's still healing from that. On top of all that, she needs more sleep than most, so the energy problem is real.

I think the only answer is for me to continue to be patient, loving, and to continue to release expectations whenever I catch myself having them. To be present and enjoy the sex when it comes. To continue to heal from my porn addiction and embrace Karezza-style. Perhaps I can explore ways to nourish myself between sexual encounters so at least if there is a week or two where it's not happening, I'm not feeling so needy. Suggestions on this point are more than welcome.

For what it's worth, we have been doing bonding behaviors frequently, but that's just not enough to sustain me for a week or two. We try to do it every night. Lately she has been asking to keep her clothes on, which I view as a bad sign. So sometimes it's without clothes, but she's also been shying away from the breast-penis soothing touch / massage which she initially liked a lot. Maybe I started to send sexual intent instead of soothing energy only? Not sure...we never tried the full sequence of Ecstatic Exchanges, so I think it's time we tried that.

As she's withdrawn sexually in the past couple of weeks, I've been having some porn-ish dreams which tells me that I still have healing to do. I suppose that shouldn't surprise me since it's only been a couple of months since I gave up a lifetime porn addiction cold-turkey. God help us porn addicts!

*sigh*

My thought is that daily bonding behaviors, however short, should not be optional.

The idea of waiting to have intercourse until she feels ready makes more sense, but I still find a lot of merit in scheduling time.

Be creative. How can you arrange to get your child cared for during a two-hour break at least once a week? Put your mind to it. Where there's a will there's a way.

What about scheduling

20 minutes of skin-to-skin time before she digs into the things that have to be done after dinner? She might find it's a lot easier to get through them once she has "tanked up" with an energy exchange. Just saying....

The same with me - but we

The same with me - but we have sex four times or so per week and it's still not enough. I could have karezza 3 times per day.... At the time being, I think she is "digesting" an orgasm. So she finds karezza boring, and I feel like she is just enduring sex. We have made an agreement that she should tell me when she doesn't like something, but still I have that impression. I couldn't convine her to make exchanges, but when her mood is low, I ask her for a massage. And then I give her one. Seems to help her. And of couse, we cuddle and hug here and there.

I just have re-learnd karezza. Slow moves, breaks etc. After our trial to mak a baby, I have returned to hard thrusting and my penis went somehow numb. Now it is wonderful sensitive, and am enjoying it even in a semi-soft state. I am even more relaxed and not so fixed to have sex with her. My concern is that I may withdraw too much and our relationship will go worse.

So a lot of trials and learning is still to do...