I had known something was wrong for quite some time. We both thought that porn and masturbation were pretty normal, and that orgasm was definitely normal (and good). But sex with my wife had become routine. It didn't matter that I still find her very attractive after almost 20 years of marriage. In order to be able to perform sexually, have and maintain an erection, and enjoy the feeling of sex, I had needed to watch porn with her, smoke marijuana and fantasize actively during the sex act which normally lasted around 20 minutes consisting of the same oral sex, the same positions, mechanical in-and-out, and usually resulted in an orgasm for her and always an ejaculation for me. In spite of that, I still thought it was pretty good and I couldn't understand why she didn't want to do that more than once a week (and often only every other week). Even though I looked forward to our sex dates, I usually felt somewhat apprehensive when they approached. What if I couldn't perform even with all the extra sex aids I was requiring?
I was judging myself pretty harshly for needing the pot, porn and especially the fantasies which mostly focused on having sex with other (inappropriate) people. Given my limited understanding of things at that time, I believed that the fantasies were the problem; what I thought I needed was to get healthier fantasies! I laugh about that now, but I really didn't know better.
For the past few weeks, we've been reading from Cupid's Poisoned Arrow to each other every night. And we've been trying karezza with what we've learned so far. This weekend we had a really nice breakthrough. Things started nice and slow, with lots of generous light touching and kissing. When we got to gentle penetration, that lasted for about an hour. We were both really enjoying the feeling of being inside each other and present with ourselves and each other. So I asked her if she wanted to stop, and she said, "no, I want to keep going"! That was a first. She said she couldn't remember ever being that wet. Erection was effortless, and all without artificial chemical, visual or mental stimulation. And no orgasms!
We have a lot to learn yet, but we're enjoying the journey. She said today that she is really looking forward to making love with me all evening tomorrow, on a weeknight! That's another first. Needless to say, we are feeling much closer, our moods are both more positive and there is almost no emotional friction. That's an amazing turnaround in only a few weeks.
From this vantage point, passing on a few 10-second orgasms seems like a small price to pay for all of that!
[From another post by same guy]
While I took to the idea pretty quickly, it wasn't instantaneous. I had my own doubts (as did my wife). But there were a number of factors working in our favor that made the transition quick and relatively easy
- I am recovering from PMO. That's what drew me to karezza; that people recommended it as a way to successfully reboot with a partner. I wanted to be done with porn, so I was motivated.
- I'm a motivated learner and fast reader. I quickly consumed lots of material from Marnia's book, Diana Richardon's books, Osho's books, and the internet.
- My wife and I have done lots of "spiritual work" before, so our ability to access the present moment has been practiced; certainly not perfected, but we're not plagued by "monkey mind".
- To let go of goals and to give selflessly requires a level of generosity and maturity that many adults lack, sadly.
- I don't have a particularly addictive tendency. I now view orgasm as a potent addictive drug, so I imagine it's harder for some to give up on that basis alone. The mind will play all sorts of rationalization tricks to "get the drug".
- I practiced non-demanding touch with the intention of just giving my love for about two weeks before attempting any kind of gentle penetration with my wife. That built trust, allowing her to open. When her heart opened, so did mine, and off we went. So our first few experiences were very pleasurable and satisfying, creating a powerful touchstone for us to recall whenever confronted with desire for orgasm. It's not that we don't want the pleasure of orgasm; we both still do. It's just that we don't want to lose the far greater pleasure we have now.
- I have DE from years of PMO, which makes it easy for me to not orgasm; I have to "try" in order to have an orgasm.
I suspect that you're right - that generally, people will not have many of these factors in place, and will have a hard time even grasping the concept of why they would want to do this in the first place. It's why Marnia's book is so brilliant; that she explains all of that. It's funny how the link between sex and pregnancy is so obvious to us, but the link between orgasm and marital conflict is not.