Making love isn't something we do

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it's something that happens by itself when we're "in the right place", and more specifically when we're both relaxed, present, and especially when she is fully ready. My role is to love her, to use my touch to give. When she wants that to move to penetration, she'll let me know. I'm still getting used to this idea; still selling myself on it. I'm sold really, I just need my unconscious mind to get on board so I don't have to be so vigilant all the time looking for those "wrong thoughts".

We tried to make love last night, but it didn't work. I think it's because (at least in part) it had been a while, and I was feeling needy, so I was looking at the sex act as something we were going to do; it became a goal again. Even though orgasm was not a goal, penetration was. For a recovering addict, it's a paradigm shift to not have some sort of really exciting pleasurable endpoint to move toward. Making sex a goal is such an ingrained pattern for me that it sneaks into my thinking even when I don't want it to. Even though I was trying to be selfless and loving, I found myself "going for the goodies" anyway. Touching her breasts and nipples became like touching titties instead of just sending her my love, comforting her and being in the present moment with her. It got me to thinking about how good the penetration was going to feel which took me further away from the present moment. I'm beginning to see why tantric sex has been linked so often to the meditative practices of tantra.

Even though we didn't get to penetration last night, and there was this awkward moment when that decision was made, we still had some very nice moments of bonding and connection. We plan to try again tonight. Our bonding behaviors over the last few days have been paying off - we're both in a better place. I think this time, I will take extra care not to rush anything. I will start by massaging her back. That helps me get into the mode where I feel my role as selflessly serving her, and it feels good to us both when I do that. And if it doesn't result in penetration, I don't care. It will eventually, when she is good and ready; and when that happens, it will be great (like it was a few weeks ago).

We both commented a number of times that we were lucky to have had such great success with Karezzea so early on. The beautiful experiences we had remind us of the place we both want to get to, and that we absolutely can get there, because we did it before, so we can do it again.

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