Triggered

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Last night, while out to dinner, I encountered an attractive woman who triggered me. There was something about her; she was kind of in my face, standing a little too close and giving me like this penetrating eye contact. I think she was flirting; I'm not very good at picking that up. But I definitely was receiving some kind of energy from her. On the way home from dinner, I caught myself thinking about her a couple of times. After that, I didn't sleep well. I had dreams with porn-like scenes, and also another dream sequence where I was going to have sex with this other woman, but I was trying to hide it from my wife. It was really awful. I woke up feeling very sluggish and a bit disoriented.

So far, I've been able to pretty much avoid triggers. But last night I was caught off guard. It's amazing how much havoc a simple interaction can wreak in my psyche. I think a little harmless flirting is not a problem; it certainly never was before. But I clearly felt uncomfortable around this woman. So I see progress, but obviously I still have a long way to go in healing myself from "porn-mind".

Lately I have been having this kind of experience more often (of attractive women noticing me). But this is the first time it affected me like that. If it continues to happen, I hope I can find a kind of semi-permeable shield where I can have the interaction in a normal and friendly way, but not get so deeply triggered and off balance from it. It probably just takes time...

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