First step on a thousand mile journey

Submitted by slowloader on
Printer-friendly version

Hi, I am writing this as a means to get some of my thoughts down as I consider embarking on this journey. Cathartic for myself, and maybe someone will find it useful or informative and no doubt I'll need help along the way anyway.
I have come to this via a long, meandering path which started many years ago with my first introduction to energy healing and the realisation that a) there is a lot more to this reality than we are consciously aware of, b) there is another aspect to our being which is not manifestly physical but energetic / emotional that is beyond the realms of conventional science but which has a massive impact on our well-being and c) I am not in conscious control of all aspects.
The synchronicities of life have taken me through energy healing, to a search for the divine nature of our existence and, presently, back to the body.
In this current phase I have been working with and have become quite aware of the energetic aspects of my physical body. Shadowing this has been relationship and sexuality issues which have ground out for many years. Only now is the interconnectedness becoming apparent.
Of the former, I am some 18 years married although we have been together for 25. I think we love each other although in all honesty can only vouch for myself (I do). It has been a rocky road and there have been fall-outs, an affair (her) and disagreements / distance along the way. Our sex life, although good when it is firing, has always been one of my bug-bears in it's lack of frequency, intensity and general predictability in its execution.
I have plugged the gap through an enthusiastic masturbation practice over the years (although I am not a big porn user). Around a year ago I became aware that the pleasure of this was waning somewhat. I seemed to have somehow disconnected the link between orgasm and ejaculation and was ejaculating without the muscle-trembling pleasure of the orgasm. The build-up remained pleasurable but the ending was kind of "oh, well time to conclude" and that was it, no crescendo, no climax.
This led to an investigation into what may be going on and how this may be addressed. I knew enough by now to realise that the issue would not be physical but mental. That the restoration of balance lay in my mind and in bringing conscious awareness into the process.
In turn I stumbled across Bruce Geffner's "Mindful masturbation for men". This was an "ah-hah" moment for me. I felt a bit sheepish in that, over 30 years of dedicated masturbation, the best I had come up with on my own was the time-honoured fist-pump when there was a myriad of ways to explore and pleasure. It also introduced me to the concept that the climax was not the be-all-and-end-all but that simply enjoying the build up and stopping before inevitability was an extremely enjoyable process in itself. I then also started with cultivating the energetic response this brought and accessing the sexual energy and consciously moving that around the body.
I have found this to be most enjoyable and mind-altering, being able to manifest, access and move this energy without any physical touch - on the train, at work, in a queue etc. So I have been experimenting with this the last few months.
Cue, then an exploration of Tantra concepts and practices. However, these all seemed quite daunting albeit fascinating. I could not see a way forward in my life where this would be anything other than a solo exploration.
I have been trying to practice continence but the longest I can last with this is the periods between sex with my wife (around 1 - 2 times per month). I just cannot avoid ejaculation in normal sex unless both of us have this as a goal.
Cue then coming across Karezza. Can it be that simple?
If you have borne with me thus far then it is obvious that I have been exploring what is of necessity a two-person experience on a solo basis. Therein lies a huge problem for starters. I hadn't quite realised this, or rather had it at the forefront of awareness until I wrote all this down.
So, next step - discuss this with my wife, open up to her about what I have been doing and why and see if she will at least try walking the first few miles with me. Wish me luck!!!!



That's quite a journey

You're right that it's challenging to try a dual practice without both partnes on board.

You might consider sharing with her an article or two, such as: Lovers' Ultimate Sex Hack: Karezza | Reuniting

Or giving her the Karezza FAQs to browse: Most women can't see the effects of climax on them, but sometimes reading other women's stories helps them keep a more open mind.

Just so you know, karezza isn't the same as "edging." In the latter you're trying to hover on the edge of climax, which can also overstimulate the brain.With karezza, you're trying to find the "sweet spot" that relieves your uncomfortable frustration while allowing you to enjoy more frequent connection.

Let us know how it goes, or if you have any questions.


Best wishes, s-l-, on your

Best wishes, s-l-, on your upcoming discussion with your wife!

My wife and I have been practicing karezza for 13 months now. I fully buy-in to and feel the benefits; my wife merely accedes and cooperates (i.e., stays still). She says this new intercourse approach does nothing for her and that she misses her orgasms. But, her body -- e.g., curvier, better skin, great arousal -- seems to say otherwise.

So, at the very least, I hope your wife accedes to and cooperates with your request. And, better yet, I hope she reads CPA and this great website, fully buys-in, and actively goes down the path with you.

Thanks ever so much for your

Thanks ever so much for your comments and encouragement Marnia and John. We discussed it. I fluffed my lines so it was a bit of a confused conversation but got there in the end. Now just to make a start and I'll post to let you know how things are going.

I'm a fan of not explaining it

Welcome here, slowloader!

I enjoyed hearing of your journey.

I didn't explain things like this to my wife. I just said one day, "I think I'm not going to come this time" and I didn't. And then the next time. It became an amazing journey, and I went 8 months without an orgasm and things got better and better. 

What changed most outwardly, is frequency and duration. We have sex every day or every other day, and it lasts lots longer than it used to. And what changed most inwardly is I am 100 times more connected to her and it is 100 times more pleasurable than ever before. Ever before.

@John G - why isn't your wife having orgasms if she wants to? In my situation I pressured my wife not to at first but it kind of backfired. I think that there are various man-woman dynamics, and one is "more controlling/dominant man and more submissive follower woman" and that is my relationship, and so my pressuring her with sex introduced too much of a controlling vibe. It took awhile to undo the damage and things are better than ever, and she frequently has orgasms, more than she had for many years, sometimes 2 or 3, sometimes none...

Does it cause issues in mood? Yes I think so. But it's not for me to say what she should do or shouldn't do as far as her body and her decisions are concerned. I think that has also been a big improvement -- I'm more respectful of her choices and her autonomy than I used to be. And I'm more considerate.

Sometimes her body will respond, and I can feel it, but she will not feel it. She will deny it. I think this is quite common -- women often don't perceive their own arousal the same way a man perceives his. I think there is a "solution" to this, but she has to want to "solve" the problem. I think for women it involves self-exploration, perhaps something like Orgasmic Meditation, masturbation here and there...for a woman who's been really shut down sexually. But I no longer see this as "my project"...I remain hopeful my wife will get interested but I think the less I want her to be, the more likely that may happen someday. Certainly she can perceive the pleasure and connection and how much better this is than conventional sex was.

She realized this over the past year or two. She said, "I like this a lot better than the old way". It's been a huge gift. And she looks younger than ever, sexier than ever, objectively she could be 20 years younger biologically than she is chronologically...and I think this has a lot to do with it.


Very thoughtful and

Very thoughtful and enlightening narration, e-; thank you for it!

I would be perfectly fine if my wife had orgasms herself (though I have noticed that they do negatively affect her mood). But, she instead insists that we climax together, that she will not climax unless I do, too. I remain steadfast that I do not want to climax. So, we both remain without climax, me by choice, her by choice, too.

My wife denies that she is aroused by our new form of intercourse. I do not argue with her, though I feel the obvious signs. I presume it is some pride thing, or maybe she truly does not perceive her physical arousal. So be it.

My wife has said that she prefers the new, slower intercourse, that our old style of intercourse was demeaning. I believe her, as my only training in sex was from boys' 'war stories' and pornography. I thought women wanted hard thrusting, etc. I was dead wrong for 35 years.

I, too, hope that my wife opens up to sexual self-exploration. But, I will not push it or even suggest it, as she is prudish when it comes to discussing sex.

To-date, our Karezza sessions are 'timed' by my wife and of limited duration: '20 minutes already' or '30 minutes already', etc.

To-date, I have done all the moving; when she has moved (incidentally) during intercourse, I frequently have ejaculated (but not orgasmed; the feeling with ejaculation is different, less involved, no real pleasure). I think I will try something different next time: I will ask my wife to move and I will be still. She has said multiple times that without her moving, there is no pleasure for her; she has said multiple times that I appear to be having all the pleasure. To-date, my wife has acceded to being still because she has seen that I often ejaculate when she moves and that I feel a bit low afterwards.

Q -- is it common for the woman to move (in lieu of, or with, the man) during Karezza? Somehow, I got the impression that the woman remained still. I am happy to try what has worked for others.

I see in this woodcut that in scene five, the male is on top while in scene 11 the woman is on top; I presume on top means 'mover.'

This old dog is willing to learn new tricks (or, at least adapt his technique) in the interest of marital happiness.

I think position

has to be determined by what is comfortable and relaxing for each couple.

I keep movement to a minimum so as not to make it hard for my husband to maintain control, but I'm certainly responsive as opposed to wooden.

Since you've now had months to accustom yourself, I wonder if a bit of movement by her might work.

Her attention also matters. If she's present, and not planning the shopping list (for example), it might make your control easier. And perhaps trying her on top would keep her more focused.

I always find those pictures fascinating. Thanks for linking to them.