I was at my former home today visiting with my dog and picking up a few things I wanted to take back to my apartment. My wife was working, thus not there. I went to the master bedroom to retrieve a couple of items from the nightstand I used when I lived there. I opened up the wrong drawer on my first try (it's been awhile) and noticed that my wife's clothes were now occupying that drawer. I went up one drawer and found what I was looking for and noticed a number of cards and some folded papers which looked like letters. I unfolded one of the letters and was very surprised that I didn't recognize the handwriting. I assumed when I saw the cards and letters that they were written either by me or to me. This had been my nightstand until four months ago. This one letter( and it was a long one) was written to my wife by her former boyfriend. I didn't read the letter. As soon as I opened it up and saw that the handwriting wasn't mine or my wife's I went to the last page of the letter to see who wrote it. When I finished doing that I left the whole pile of cards and letters on top of the nightstand so that my wife would see them when she got home. You need to know that about three years into our marriage my wife found a letter written to me by a former girlfriend and raised holy hell. It was one letter and I didn't even know that it existed. Didn't matter. It took about two months to get over the anger and mistrust that the discovery of that letter produced.
When she got home tonight she texted me asking where the letters on the nightstand had come from. I texted back telling her how and where I had found them and nothing more. I haven't heard (or been texted) a word since. This doesn't come as a surprise since during the nineteen years of marriage my wife has never said, "I was wrong" or "I'm sorry". Not one time.
Why have I shared this story? Well, the reason is I wanted to tell you how I feel about it. I feel very little. I'm not angry. I'm not hurt. I don't feel vengeful or jealous or mistreated. I feel a little sorry for her and relieved that I'm no longer a part of that. Since my separation I've tended to accept most of the responsibility for the demise of the marriage. PMO, alcohol, pot, and lots of cigarettes helped me cast myself in the role of villain. None of those things helped our marriage that's for sure but tonight helped me see my wife in a different light. She is not completely honest, a bit hypocritical, and somewhat uncommitted to me and our marriage and has been from the start. So, I don't feel horrible tonight. Heck, I don't even feel bad. I feel a bit vacant but in a good way.