Day One today was successful

Submitted by Sniff on
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I am back on the wagon. (Fell off due to some rather unfortunate events). I am wary of sexual interaction at the moment, because my partner is a reckless pilot and does not share my values in the bedroom, which has put my safety at risk, (he is um...extremely fertile due to his solo and sexual habits). I am contemplating on telling him I would like to be celibate for a time. This should be easy as our current lifestyles have left us apart a majority of the time. We rarely hang out or sleep next to each other. As different as we both are, we love each other very much. But I have to draw a line as to how much of his sh#* I want on my side of the street. :) And maintain my core values as a person in spite of his lack of enthusiasm for sexual discipline. I really actually don't even feel comfortable being a part of assisting him in "spilling his seed." I remember my initial reaction to him asking me if I could "relieve him." It was a flat out "I'm sorry, I can't do that." I didn't want to. This created an instant tension between us. He resented me. I didn't like it. So from then on, I became more flexible and tolerant, to preserve harmony, and gave up entirely on him ever wanting to cultivate sexual discipline in the name of love, or in the name of anything at all, and became used to conventional sex. (Which as any of you tantranauts know, is a HUGE downgrade when you've become accustomed to QUALITY coitus :) For a while, we coexisted in this way, me retaining my energy, and him cumming each and every time, intentionally. After a while, he wanted me to join him in his compulsive cumming, (possibly to rectify guilt on some level and satisfy the ego). I kept my mind and heart wide open and went with the flow. But then after several crises unfolded, one after the other, I began to lose my way, and my faith in humanity. But I have decided that discarding my ideals would be poor form, and not in my best interests, so I have turned over a fresh leaf, and have renewed my commitment to myself- regardless of his potential reactions. If all he wants is orgasms, he will be fine to suit himself. I want my soul back.

Comments

*sigh*

So tough. Without the daily bonding behaviors, he'll be very "hungry" when you meet. Not sure how you get around this one. More separation won't help, but you're right to avoid reckless piloting.

Would he try 3 weeks of Exchanges do you think? (I expect I know the answer, but I had to ask.)

 

yeah...about that....no, probably not..

and I am honestly afraid that he would agree to it only to soften my resolve and trick me, going back to same old same old. He too has kind of been avoiding contact. I saw him today. I hugged him. I could feel in his body that he hadn't beat off that day. (It's weird, I know, but..you know what I mean..you can feel it.) He has been paranoid, suspicious, brooding, sulky, quiet, withdrawn, flakey, etc...He is intimidated that I am doing this, wants to be close to me, is terrified of hurting me, or getting hurt by me. Internally, he is freaking out.

I try to keep him calm and

I try to keep him calm and reassured that I love him and would never feel a need to lie to him, or leave him for someone else. If I left him, I would do it to be celibate. I would do it for myself. The last thing I would want was an instant relationship with anyone, and I'm definitely not into one night stands. I don't want to harm anyone. Only heal.

He is aware that he is in a tidal wave of a dope cycle

(several all lumped in succession) He doesn't disclose this to me, I just know. He does tell me that he's aware he's in a dope cycle and says that's part of why he's feeling so freaked out. He's even been having issues of trusting me. Which is difficult for me because I have never wronged him, harmed him, in any way. I have been a supportive, stable, and loving influence in his life. He keeps thinking I am going to cheat on him, or make bad decisions of one kind or another eventually. This is more indicative of his own guilt and fear if anything. I wish him the best of luck in sorting out his emotions and desires and making them congruent with his life.

Just cuddling can be wonderful - from a guy's perspective

I was a lot like your boyfriend, before I began my no-orgasm adventure. I would feel really resentful when my wife wouldn't have sex with me as often as I wanted, and sometimes wouldn't even give me a hand job. Now that we are practicing karezza we are doing karezza more often, on average, than we used to have conventional sex. And if my wife is not in the mood for karezza or cuddling when I am, well, I may feel a bit disappointed or annoyed, but it is _much_ better than the feelings of resentment and desperation that I used to feel when we were having conventional sex. Avoiding orgasm keeps the hangovers away, those desperate cravings for another orgasm hours or days later.

Perhaps your boyfriend would find my stories inspirational:

Is sex necessary? (my wonderful experience with just the bonding behaviors)
http://www.reuniting.info/node/3111

What's it like to go without orgasm? (my adventures giving up orgasms)
http://www.reuniting.info/node/1505

Imagine a world

where people kept their brains free of these neurochemical storms...and therefore didn't project their internal discomfort onto each other. Truly, we bring a lot of unnecessary misery upon ourselves through not realizing how important balance is.

I, too, have observed that unfounded paranoia in post-O lovers. (And some equally unsavory projections in myself while in that state. Wink )