he wanted me to "finish: him...

Submitted by Sniff on
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um...this is awkward...

so he's new to all this. He had a "half" a climax, (as he put it), after having a full one hours earlier, and "half" of one hours after that-(he had stopped himself, a little came out, but it wasn't the whole enchilada. We resumed lovemaking and then it happened again. He was frustrated (understandably) and wanted me to "finish" him off. I felt super awkward about it and acted really awkward about it. I wouldn't do it. I have not intentionally brought him to orgasm since I have been with him, and the one time he obviously and intentionally brought himself to orgasm with me, it was kind of upsetting to me. I didn't like feeling like that. It makes me feel used and like my needs are being disregarded and overlooked. It makes me feel like a substance must feel if it were to have feelings. I didn't know how to respond. I felt concerned about the consequences of doing it/not doing it, and under a great deal of pressure all at the same time. My reaction was not the best considering I had very little time to form an "appropriate" response (whatever that would be in this given situation.) I didn't want to make him feel frustrated or unsatisfied, but I didn't want to add anymore "dope" to the cycle than was necessary, because I care about him and it isn't my intention to erode or degrade our interaction. He is much younger than me as well, (I am 27, he is 22. feel free to judge me) but I don't believe age to be the number one factor in maturity/wisdom or the like. Age is relative. Sure, it's a factor, but ironically he is more mature emotionally than some of the men my own age I have dated. I'm rambling. Anyway, he' hasn't really managed the whole "no orgasm" thing. This is largely to do with how I have gone about things too. I have been trying to go at a pace comfortable for him and figure out the best way to integrate things. Everybody has a different learning style, and old patterns of behavior to work out-(he once choked me during sex, and I was like "um,,I can't breath.." And afterward, I asked him why he did that, where it came from, etc...So you see, it's been interesting trying to figure out where he's at developmentally in a sexual sense, so I can gauge my approach while simultaneously making sure our needs for intimate contact are met. Anywho..like I said, I didn't react the best when he wanted me to finish him.. I wasn't mean or anything. I just didn't want to intentionally make him climax..I felt weird about it..I also didn't want to upset him. I actually said, "I will understand if you feel you need to go rub one out, I won't hold it against you." He became very upset with me. "What female says that? Why would I need to go rub one out when you are right here?" It made me feel really bad about myself. I felt bad for not just being simple and "normal" and just finishing him off like any "normal" girlfriend would want to do. With no thought or complex. He put on his clothes and left the room. I sat there alone for a moment, puzzled as to what to do. I went out after him, and the first thing I did was apologize. I explained to him that if I didn't care about him in the slightest, that I would intentionally make him cum all the time, (that is if I actually slept with people I didn't care about, which I do not.) He was growing more and more frustrated with each word out of my mouth and wanted desperately to flee the scene. He had already called 2 different people while I was still in the room to see if he could go hang out. He didn't want to talk about it at all, said it was only "making it worse." He drove to go visit his dad instead. He invited me along but I just wanted to be alone at that point. I am the first person he has been with who aspires toward tantric/karezza style love making. This whole approach is totally new to him. Such has been the case with both men I have been with since I have been practicing it myself. So naturally, seeing as how they are my exes, I have my anxieties about being "different." But I don't use him for orgasms. I have had a grand total of one with him since we have been together, and I am happy to keep them as the rare accident they are. He has tried to bring me to climax intentionally quite a few times, (when I will get close for instance and ask him to stop, he will keep going, and when I try and eject myself, will stubbornly hold my body in place, basically trying to force me to orgasm even while I beg him not to make me cum. I enjoy being sensitive. I enjoy feeling all of the energy and love. It isn't my intention to snuff it out into a lesser form. If it happens on it's own, it happens, oh well, but he is not a means to an end to me. He is not a substance there for me to use. I love him, and I want to show him with my body, my soul, my mind, and my heart. Not how many orgasms I can give him, or the quality of the orgasms I can give him. He's still at his dad's house. I'm tired and irritable from being too heated up. Thoughts anyone? How should I handle this? What should I have done?

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Yikes

I don't want to offend but if I were "begging " someone to stop having sex with me and they kept on, that would start to sound like rape. That combined with the fact that he wanted to choke you out without you asking for it or discussing it beforehand worries me.

no no no...dear god no.

I can see how it could be distorted to appear as such..but it's really nothing of the sort. I wasn't "begging him to stop having sex with me.." by any means..I find it very pleasurable...a little too pleasurable sometimes...:) It's really hard for a lot of men to get over the whole "needing to make a woman climax" to validate their masculinity. It's an ego thing..I understand it. When he has done that, it's more playful than anything, and he eventually always respects my wishes. The "choking" only happened one time, and it came from an ex of his, who asked him to do such things. He explained the whole origin of this and we talked about it at length. It never happened again, and he felt really bad when he realized the effect it had on me-(I am clearly nothing like his ex, who was young and numbed) People can be very desensitized by conventional sex, and the imprints that certain intimate experiences can leave. Misinformed about the female body, sex, the whole thing. Nothing to be alarmed about. Everything was honestly addressed and resolved, and he would never intentionally hurt me. Go easy on him man...he's healing too. We all are. :) I appreciate your concern, but I am in no danger, I assure you.

Sounds like this isn't the time to try to resolve this

He's under the influence of the chaser, and right now it feels like only orgasm(s) and screaming women will meet his needs. Wink

No point in trying to explain things now. Just be loving and try to stay out of the sack until he's feeling less reactive. Keep things light. No heavy discussions for now. No resentment either. Just a fresh start when the time is right.

It's hard to keep from apologizing for yourself, but don't. You haven't done anything wrong. You can, of course, say, "I'm sorry this is upsetting you. It's a big shift we decided to try together."

He may choose not to learn what you have to teach, and it's his right to make that choice. You may have planted a seed for later. You never know.

I always found it best just to acknowledge that "yeah, this approach seems bizarre to us today, but it has shown up over and over throughout history. For me, I prefer the harmony and playfulness of this kind of sex, but you have to make your own choice." Or whatever you feel inspired to say.

If he wants to learn about the chaser, and how too much orgasm can shift perspective here are some good posts...but I wouldn't rush to lay them on him. The real issue is that subtle neurochemical swings can cause major perception shifts, projections and resentment. That's what he's feeling right now, and he may recognize it once he's back in balance.

Do You Need a Chaser after Sex?

Men: Does Frequent Ejaculation Cause a Hangover?

Women: Does Orgasm Give You a Hangover?

Are there any tantra groups near you? Maybe if you find some support, so it doesn't seem like two egos battling it out...? No one likes ultimatums, but if he starts to see the issue in a larger context, it may be easier for him.

It's really hard for guys today...raised as they have been on porn and numbed out by numbed out girlfriends. At first they can't feel the subtleties, so harder seems better. And yet that's a downward spiral.

You may also find something useful for him on REDDIT.KAREZZA, as some of those guys might be younger.

you have to do what is comfortable

I "give" my partner orgasms sometimes. I enjoy doing it and she enjoys it. She goes along with me on Karezza and I think it's good for her not to have orgasms but if she feels differently, I figure that's her business and I respect her wishes. I can't really know what is "best" for her anyway.

Not saying you were wrong not to "finish" your partner, just another point of view.

Sniff

I stay stick to your commitment but do it in a gentle way. Something like "This unusual, unconventional style of love making is really important to me and I'm committed to sticking with it". "I care deeply about you but this is something I feel strongly about, its not personal, but I'm going to continue in this way". "Stay with me if you can I think you'll find your groove". These are my words but I'd find a way to tell him this subject is non-negotiable in a loving way, one hopefully that doesnt bruise his ego. Of course, this depends on if it is non-negotiable or not. It would be for me, but after all these years there's just no other way I could approach lovemaking. If he can hang in there until he starts to "get it", he'll be happy he did and you will have given him an increadible gift. He's just whinning, undestandable being a guy. Its tough for a guy to make this kind of a shift.