Hi All, it's been a while since I've checked in

Submitted by Sniff on
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Man, I've missed you guys…So, the past few years have been um….up and down and sideways. I've been involved in a pretty dysfunctional relationship, and it hasn't been easy. This is a person who has some serious issues. It isn't easy finding people (particularly men) who are interested in this approach to lovemaking and healing. This person in particular apparently has a fetish about anal sex. I didn't know this until a few years into dating him. It's been a stormy, on again/off again relationship. I've been pressured quite a bit, ultimatums and denial of affection and communication on his part are a regular occurrence. I've been honest with him about how I feel about anal sex (I have no interest in it, it would only cause me pain, I am not aroused by the idea of being in pain) and he get's very upset with me. Our differing views on love and sex basically make me feel like the relationship is doomed. It definitely hasn't been healthy, and has made me afraid of getting close to men in general. It seems like something on the psychopathic spectrum, but all that really needs to occur in the brain to put a person there is overstimulation of the reward center, and BAM-you've got a sociopath. I don't know what else to do, so to spiritually replenish myself, ground, and center, and reconnect with my highest intent and inner self, I have come back here to surround myself with those of like mind on similar healing paths, facing some of the same challenges. I am grateful this forum exists, and for Marnia and Gary.

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Hey Sniff!

Welcome back.

Question: Is your guy still watching porn or fantasizing about it? I ask because those who really manage to leave it behind often report that their porn-induced fetishes fade. Check this out: Are my fetishes porn-induced?

And anal sex is a big one that often fades away. Might find this interesting too: Porn and Perception: Is Your Limbic Brain Distorting Your Vision? | Your Brain On Porn

On the other hand, realize that what you watch/do/smell/hear when you're getting off, especially during adolescence, can really "teach" your brain that "THAT is what hot sex is." Our brains are highly adaptable, especially during adolescence, and their top priority is adapting our behavior to whatever registers as "reproductive success." So be compassionate. He didn't try to get hooked on something at a subconscious level that is based on causing you pain. He just knows "it's hot" (to him), and is driven to get his fix.

The thing is that most guys find that even if they can act out their porn fetishes, the reality is WAY less "hot" than their fantasy experiences, and they are not satisfied or fulfilled, just inclined to demand the next thing they talk themselves into believing will "really satisfy." Much as a woman may keep trying (unsuccessfully) to "remake" her partner into the man who would satisfy her.

For what it's worth, practiciing karezza seems to be a way to increase underlying feelings of wholeness, such that true satisfaction becomes more sustainable, and such demands no longer seem necessary.

Anyway, I know the host of this recovery forum (www.rebootnation.org) had a similar anal fetish and it's now gone entirely, so if your guy doesn't want to be plagued by dissatisfaction born of some adolescent porn viewing, he may want to spend some time on that forum.

He might also like this article: Can You Trust Your Johnson? | Your Brain On Porn

How are you otherwise? Doing creative things?

Thank you so much

He broke up with me again after ignoring me for over a week. I'm pretty sure it's hopeless. It's been dysfunctional and abusive like this for 5 years or so. I give up.

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I've come here to heal my heart, in the hopes that I can undo the damage of what has become a deep seated fear of the male race. I don't want to become homosexual out of fear. That is not the right reason to become gay in my opinion, but I've become afraid of men, afraid of getting close to them.

That fear is understandable,

but unjustified, just as you point out. I honestly believe our issues are not about genders (despite all the hate you see coming from both (all?) sides). It's about how we choose to manage our sexuality - which has a powerful effect on our perception/wellbeing/satisfaction.

If you need some hope, check out this page: Karezza is for addicts (too)

My Heart

goes out to you in your pain. Your wounds, although familiar, are fresh, and retreat might well be in order. But keep breathing, get to know yourself, and know that healing comes through vulnerability.