Submitted by Sniff on
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So I have been in this on and off relationship with a man 5 years younger than me. We have had considerable ups and downs, break ups and make ups, I even suffered a miscarriage, and am still awaiting a normal period to resume after said miscarriage for proof that I am out of "those" woods, (you know, the woods of unwanted pregnancy.) Anyway, throughout all of this turmoil, my ideologies on relationships, human nature, sex, commitment, intimacy, etc...has been thrown into a metaphorical wood chipper. He admired my view of sexuality, although after a few feeble and unsuccessful attempts at "retaining his seed", he decided that he was incapable of such a considered approach and resumed conventional sex. He even forces me into orgasm, and is very attached to the idea of giving them to me. Out of this I have had one miscarriage, and I am dealing with the anxiety of another seemingly missing period as I type this. During the first miscarriage, he was absent, and( we had split up, surprise surprise.)-the miscarriage happened afterward. It was all very sad and I was alone, feeling used and discarded. In either case, this can't go on. His suggestion is condoms. Well....derp! (unfortunately this only helps for future occasions) What this is doing to me on a psychic level though, is hardening me. This is the first time that this sort of ideological difference of opinion has been gone about not only out in the open, (he hasn't tried to keep up any appearances of agreeing with me about karezza/tantra, and has openly said "I can't do this, this is hard.") but he has even been in direct opposition to even ME practicing i, (trying to get me to orgasm, etc). To make matters even more complicated, amidst the constant sea of dopamine cycles, we have a legitimate love for each other- even when we don't. My conundrum (if a dozen of them haven't been already made plainly clear) is
'How do I take a relationship seriously when gone about in this manner when I know the science of sex?'
I remember him expressing that he thought I would leave him if he didn't practice karezza.

This made me question all manner of things about love, truth, and ideals.
So far I haven't met a man capable of karezza.
Each one has an inner battle about it.
I am terrified of sex at the moment.
Depressed about it.
It's just an orgasm.
That's all it is.
He can do it himself anytime. And he does.
Earlier, this morning, (he stayed the night last night)he was wanting of the sexy time.
I have far too much anxiety about it at the moment, am feeling afraid, body conscious, (missing period/thinking I'm pregnant/depressed)
He was trying to touch me, get me heated up, we were kissing, he was "ready to go"...
I was just secretly terrified, couldn't stand the idea of being seen naked, and risking yet another unwanted pregnancy (no condom). I gave him his orgasm, orally. It happened fast. So many feelings swept over me afterward. Emptiness. Feeling inadequate. Having the fear that I'm just participating in the voluntary destruction of our relationship, of myself, and what (were once?) my ideals, that I stood by, through any and all ridicule and attempts to sway me to "the dark side." What is even happening anymore? What am I doing? I've even been giving them to myself (O's) when he's not around, throwing even myself under the bus into more dope cycles. And it's not out of compulsion. I've been practicing avoidance of orgasm since 2007, so I have self control (especially by myself) down pat. It's deeper than compulsion. It's cynicism. It's making me sad. My views being affected like this. My letting my views be affected like this. I am definitely in a depression, to say the least. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel lost in the world of sex and love. I want to cry but I can't.
I just want to hide. And vomit. The anxiety is too much.




you have to get clear about your priorities. Maybe have your partner read Cupid before you have sex. Not as an ultimatum, but just as a, "This is what I'd like to try for the first 3 weeks." If you are flirty and loving...but adamant that you want to "start with this approach...and if it's not working...go back to conventional sex, you'll get best results."

Definitely do not expect him to change his ways on his own at this point. You cannot "love" him into making sounder choices. It's probably better to lovingly part. Maybe in a few weeks he'll feel more "sober," although I doubt it with all the cyber temptation available for him during his upcoming "chaser." *sigh* Anyway, you can try again in the future if he has an epiphany. For now, you need to avoid his reckless piloting.

I'm really sorry for what you've been through. He's not trying to hurt you, of course, but he has no idea how poorly informed and conditioned he is. It's tough to go against a powerful meme like today's reckless sexual behavior.

Here's to no unwanted pregnancy!

*big hug*


I don't have any deep words of wisdom or practical advice, just want to let you know that other people care about you. The idea of a man forcing a woman to orgasm is particularly creepy, especially when it seems to be done with the intent to control or prove a point, as compared to loving, enthusiastic ignorance.
Have courage, faith and love in yourself to make the right choice for yourself.

to be fair

it's hard to be loving when you are (as a guy or a woman) wrapped up in the story of "what a kick when I make my partner come" even though we don't make people come, and also, it isn't particularly nice for *them* if their higher self doesn't want it to happen.

I find myself in this direction frequently with my wife and have to rein myself in. It isn't the urge that it used to be, but it is a tough thing to just let go of and we practice Karezza about every other day. It's a tough one.

I feel for you, Sniff. Your lover is unconsciously living his life and doesn't realize what programs he's running. 


It is an addiction for him, quite a serious one as it turns out. If he is to progress he needs to see it in those terms. I guess there are those that want to improve their life and those that do not. And youll be a better judge of which of those he actually is, and of which kind you would rather be with. I think on this subject Louie's post is both apt and eloquent.

Ultimately he will or wont change. But you can only really do much about yourself, change your ideas, responses, thoughts and feelings, and decisions. As they say: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Can you reframe "he forces me to have an orgasm" to something like 'i let him rub me, and 'i let myself come'. Youll feel more powerful. And knowing something about your childhood stuff, and how that influences the kind of people you are drawn to also helps a lot.

My thoughts are with you about the miscarriage etc. I know what thats like, been there done that years ago. Conception happens all too easy. I remember my semi sympathetic friend saying to me at the time, well with sex that's what happens. Im probably being about as sympathetic. Anyway a big hug and best wishes from me too.