So I have been in this on and off relationship with a man 5 years younger than me. We have had considerable ups and downs, break ups and make ups, I even suffered a miscarriage, and am still awaiting a normal period to resume after said miscarriage for proof that I am out of "those" woods, (you know, the woods of unwanted pregnancy.) Anyway, throughout all of this turmoil, my ideologies on relationships, human nature, sex, commitment, intimacy, etc...has been thrown into a metaphorical wood chipper. He admired my view of sexuality, although after a few feeble and unsuccessful attempts at "retaining his seed", he decided that he was incapable of such a considered approach and resumed conventional sex. He even forces me into orgasm, and is very attached to the idea of giving them to me. Out of this I have had one miscarriage, and I am dealing with the anxiety of another seemingly missing period as I type this. During the first miscarriage, he was absent, and( we had split up, surprise surprise.)-the miscarriage happened afterward. It was all very sad and I was alone, feeling used and discarded. In either case, this can't go on. His suggestion is condoms. Well....derp! (unfortunately this only helps for future occasions) What this is doing to me on a psychic level though, is hardening me. This is the first time that this sort of ideological difference of opinion has been gone about not only out in the open, (he hasn't tried to keep up any appearances of agreeing with me about karezza/tantra, and has openly said "I can't do this, this is hard.") but he has even been in direct opposition to even ME practicing i, (trying to get me to orgasm, etc). To make matters even more complicated, amidst the constant sea of dopamine cycles, we have a legitimate love for each other- even when we don't. My conundrum (if a dozen of them haven't been already made plainly clear) is
'How do I take a relationship seriously when gone about in this manner when I know the science of sex?'
I remember him expressing that he thought I would leave him if he didn't practice karezza.
This made me question all manner of things about love, truth, and ideals.
So far I haven't met a man capable of karezza.
Each one has an inner battle about it.
I am terrified of sex at the moment.
Depressed about it.
It's just an orgasm.
That's all it is.
He can do it himself anytime. And he does.
Earlier, this morning, (he stayed the night last night)he was wanting of the sexy time.
I have far too much anxiety about it at the moment, am feeling afraid, body conscious, (missing period/thinking I'm pregnant/depressed)
He was trying to touch me, get me heated up, we were kissing, he was "ready to go"...
I was just secretly terrified, couldn't stand the idea of being seen naked, and risking yet another unwanted pregnancy (no condom). I gave him his orgasm, orally. It happened fast. So many feelings swept over me afterward. Emptiness. Feeling inadequate. Having the fear that I'm just participating in the voluntary destruction of our relationship, of myself, and what (were once?) my ideals, that I stood by, through any and all ridicule and attempts to sway me to "the dark side." What is even happening anymore? What am I doing? I've even been giving them to myself (O's) when he's not around, throwing even myself under the bus into more dope cycles. And it's not out of compulsion. I've been practicing avoidance of orgasm since 2007, so I have self control (especially by myself) down pat. It's deeper than compulsion. It's cynicism. It's making me sad. My views being affected like this. My letting my views be affected like this. I am definitely in a depression, to say the least. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel lost in the world of sex and love. I want to cry but I can't.
I just want to hide. And vomit. The anxiety is too much.