It's been an odd journey, of late. A few years ago, when I was new to this forum, I remember asking if anyone could explain to me what was meant by a valley orgasm. Marnia replied by posting a link to a description of lovemaking which she felt encapsulated this. Reading it, the words seemed familiar; then I realised I had written them myself. Marnia had sent me a link to one of my own, earlier posts.
I thought of this recently, as I reflected on our changing appreciation of Karezza. Objectively, what we were doing wasn't that different to what we did at the beginning. What had changed, though, was our subjective experience of this. Anyone watching would probably have seen little alteration.
I had always wondered what the zen saying, "Before Enlightenment, chop wood, carry water; after Enlightenment, chop wood, carry water", meant. It began to seem a little clearer.
Then, while reflecting on how effortless it had started to feel not to orgasm, my wife said how nice it would be if we were to 'finish, one of these times'. I felt like someone sitting in the drivers seat of a speed restricted sports car suddenly finding myself in a limit free zone and being asked why I wasn't taking advantage of it. I put my foot down, and soon afterwards we both climaxed.
Next day, notIng this in my diary, I thought to myself, 'in for a penny, in for a pound'.
Over succeeding days, we shared several orgasms. I planned to refit my speed restricter, eventually; but this turned out to be easier than expected, as I was soon worn out and uninterested in sex, in any shape or form. Interestingly, although I didn't feel alienated from my wife, I did find I was less inclined to reach out and touch her. Knowing why this was, and what it might lead to, I made the extra effort (which was only really an effort of remembering) to do what wouldn't otherwise have come naturally. We had lots of kisses and cuddles; but nothing more.
A week passed and things returned to normal; and following this we had a month or so of some of the most sublime Karezza sessions I can remember; but then, over succeeding weeks, I began to notice I was experiencing less erotic fervour towards my wife, on a day to day basis, and that this was gradually being replaced by an overflowing affection I can only describe as maternal. In itself, this seemed okay; but it began to manifest itself in ways that I was less enthusiastic about. Before we embarked on our Karezza journey, I found it difficult to get together naked with my wife and not want to have sex. The panting enthusiasm would be too much to contain. As I got to grips with naked cuddles that weren't necessarily going to end in sex, although I still got aroused, the rampant horniness started dying away. Then, the time came when I became a little unsure how to switch it on again, when wanted. My wife solved this problem, by becoming more forward herself.
Then - almost overnight - my responsiveness to the (merest) suggestion of sex waned. I became limp, not only physically, but what was more astounding, mentally. This wasn't a question of feeling like having sex, but finding myself unable to. It was more a case of expecting myself to want to have sex, and being expected by my wife to want to have it, but being wholly uninterested. I couldn't even bring my mind to bear on the fact I was uninterested. Amazingly, when we were together, I found my attention wandering, in ways I had always found incomprehensible in her. How could this be? This sort of disinterest, from me, was unheard of. Even more disarming was the fact my loss of interest didn't seem to bother me.
There are four possible explanations for this. One, my Lizard is in revolt, or has retired from active service. Two, the unseasonal cold, damp weather, having given me a head cold, has also dulled my responsiveness. Three, an anger diary I'm coincidentally keeping has caused me to become so mellow my libido has suffered. Four, I am confusing my wife with my mother.
I feel this last is the most likely. I've spent most of my married life being the one my wife sought out for comfort and affection. She would come to me, rather than me to her, for cuddles and physical closeness. I would go to her for sex. Recently, it's become the other way around. In my enthusiasm for upping our oxytocin levels, mindful of the need to insure us against the downside of inadvertent orgasms, I believe I might have overdone the cuddling. Whereas I used to approach my wife's breasts with the desire to excite her, and me, too, now I seem to be reaching towards them for filial reassurance. The thought of sex in association with them is almost alien. It is as if my wife has become my mother, and me her fawning child.
We may revel in contact, but it's become wholly asexual. I may be over dramatising this, but I feel I need to go through a reboot for an overdose of oxytocin.
As I wait for the return of my libido, I find myself ruminating on our Karezza experiences so far. It may be that only those who have fantastic results bother to post on this forum, or it may be I am the only one who isn't experiencing a life transformation (or maybe I am?) from avoiding orgasm, but at present I feel as though I'm stranded at a crossroad, in a stagecoach with a broken wheel, wondering which way I'll go once the wheel gets repaired, or which way to walk if it doesn't. Do I return the way I came, turn left for a celibate life, right for unadulterated lust, or go straight on for more of the same?