Hanging out with our offspring’s toddlers has made me realise how dependant parents are on calming their children’s anxieties by offering them something to eat. Usually, a raw carrot doesn’t do the trick, whereas a spoonful of honey does. This must be repeated so many times during a child’s life it’s hardly surprising as adults we have a strange relationship between our own anxiety and distress and the trip to the biscuit barrel or ice cream tub.
It's been an interesting month. My wife and I were away from home for a protracted period, staying in a place that had wafer thin walls, a total lack of privacy, two young kids who required constant attention, and various other dampeners on our sex life. So, we didn't make love for two weeks, at all. Then we suddenly found we had a couple of hours to ourselves, and went wild. Well, sort of wild. No orgasms, though. After this, we had a further week of enforced celibacy. During the entire period, we had plenty of opportunity for cuddling and kissing.
I watched a film last night where the parents of the hero had got to the stage where, as he put it, "they now dislike intensely all the character traits that had most attracted them to each other in the first place". The dad had moved out into a treehouse he had built; and the mum would be woken each morning by him yodelling from his verandah. She spent her days pulling weeds in her vegetable garden, affecting not to hear him whenever he called out to her. It was a comedy, but rather sad.
I find myself returning to the Reuniting site again and again to read blog updates, check out Marnia’s latest thoughts, remind myself of the wisdom from the past, etc, etc. So, I thought, maybe I would occasionally blog, too, since I am still fascinated by the approach to lovemaking put forward here, even if I’m not wholeheartedly committed to it right now, nor entirely a subscriber to the theory, yet. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy, with my wife, non orgasmic sex, as a choice, almost as often - but not quite - as we enjoy orgasmic sex.
I haven’t posted for a while. My wife and I have been away, two months here, a month there, with lots of time and few distractions. It’s given us a chance to evaluate a few things about our sex life, including the appropriateness or otherwise of denying ourselves orgasm.
I haven't posted for a while. It's been an odd period. Having visitors, visiting others, I've found really disrupts routine, especially new routines that haven't become fixed. What happens then is that old routines reassert themselves. I think I've finally cottoned on the the fact that it's okay when others are around that our attention which previously we would give to each other should become easily fragmented; and that when we're alone again there's no need to resent the period of 'separation' so much as relish the possibilities of new found togetherness.
Three things stand out for us at the moment.
The first is our adoption of daily choices. By this, I mean each day's affectionate activity 'belongs' to one or other of us. Taking it in turns, we decide and initiate what we would like to do, when, and for how long. This could mean passionate sex in the afternoon, or a slow cuddle in the evening. The important part is that neither one of us has a monopoly over deciding, and initiating, what we do. This has been extraordinarily helpful.
I often used to be uneasy in the past as to why I wanted to have sex. I suspected a lot of the time it was more because I hadn't had any for a while than because I actually wanted it. I could almost hear my internal voice suddenly chipping in with, "Hey, if you don't get it together soon, you won't be keeping up with the national average ... just imagine what that says about you as a man!"
Other times, I would simply be bored, and find myself thinking, "Hey, we could have sex, with an explosive orgasm ... think how nice that would be."
I've been trying to clarify whether our sex life is 'loving' or whether it is predominantly lustful. I think of all the activities I do with my wife because she's my wife – I eat with her, sit and read with her, go for bike rides with her; we drive around together, visit friends and places as one. I could do all these things with other people, but I don't, because I'm not committed to being with them. That doesn't mean I wouldn't enjoy their company; but I wouldn't enjoy it in the same way I enjoy my wife's company.
A WHILE AGO
We made love as we had done the previous few times, with great pleasure but containing our excitement. On the allotted time, I felt sated, and said to my wife that maybe it would be good to stop. She muttered something about carrying on for a short while, just in case she climaxed. Clearly, she had forgotten our prior agreement. So, too, had I, as I watched the 'considerate lover' in me leap into action, assuring her of an orgasm while also indulging in my own.
I guess the one good point is that I was ready to stop earlier.