I recently read a book by a British survivor of the Burmese Death Railway. He tells a harrowing account of how a ragged group of half starved, emaciated Allied survivors were being marched from one wretched camp to another by Japanese guards who beat them, occasionally to their deaths, if they flagged.
I was asking myself recently what I want from sex. There seem to be three things. First and foremost, it's to quell an itch, or satisfy a hunger. There's a very basic need in me that rises to the surface and asks to be met. This is appeased by any sexual activity; but it keeps on rearing its head until, traditionally, orgasm occurs. Secondly, there's a desire for what I call sexual trance. That's a state that I recognise primarily through a complete absence of thought.
There's a lot of talk on this forum about porn and unwanted sexual feelings. I've never thought of myself as being addicted to porn, or my sexual feelings as being anything other than 'natural'; but I thought I should reconsider this.
We've had a couple of lovemaking encounters recently that have emphasised for me how difficult change in this area is.
On the first occasion, we failed to agree in advance how our session would 'end'. Things went well, initially. After half an hour or so of relative inactivity, I experienced an extraordinary merging moment, where I could no longer sense the boundary between my wife and myself. This followed a series of involuntary butterfly sensations of gurgling and contracting in and around our genitals. It felt supremely peaceful and I could have remained like that indefinitely.
However, I also felt I could go on indefinitely, and serve as required, and an underlying sense of this nagged at the back of my mind like a pressing appointment. I asked my wife if she wanted to continue and she nodded. It then became a matter of pride to assist her to orgasm while refraining myself.
Something came up last night as we were making love. We were managing fine, staying well within the 30%-70% Zone of Excitement, when I ran into the usual wall of voices.
"More friction needed ..."
"This is so good ... let's make it better."
"Let's go all the way ... we can start afresh tomorrow."
I was able to laugh these voices off, and stayed, I like to think, reasonably in control, when another voice piped up:
"So, if we aren't going to climax, how are we going to end?"
Nobody else was in the house so there were no noise prohibitions. We weren't under any time constraints. We weren't yet tired. My wife was flushed and excited, as was I.
I've been wondering recently how much my sex life determines my mood. I've noticed over the years that an event or thought that might sometimes cause a major reaction in me, resulting in a flare up or brown study, can on other occasions cause as little disturbance as water on a duck's back. I've always assumed that something in my personality determined this, and that it was largely outside my control; or, at least, the internal reaction of rage or disappointment was outside my control, whereas, of course, the choice of whether or not I 'give in' to the emotion was mine alone.
I'm now wondering if something as seemingly innocuous as regular orgasms could be the cause of this. In other words, if orgasm makes the status quo seem like something I need to get away from – to spread my genes by impregnating someone other than my wife – then making the present seem less than fantastic would be the best way of going about it.
It's been an instructive few days, making it clear that change of this sort is not easy.
On the occasions we've made love recently, although we've started out with the best of intentions, I've managed to either overreact defensively, bringing the session to a premature end, or to change gear midway through and steer things to a not so triumphant conclusion.
Any fault is largely mine, rather than my wife's, because she is far more open to 'whatever happens', whereas I like to make what I think is 'the right' thing happen.
Specifically, I found that if we didn't 'do' enough for me to remain sexually aroused in the only way I recognise (i.e., maintaining an erection), I lost interest, to the point of not wanting to continue. A couple of times, we just rolled over and went to sleep.
My wife and I have been married for more than thirty years. We've both in our early fifties. We've always enjoyed our sex life, but recently, it's got a little twitchy, with me wanting one thing and my wife another, and an increasing difference in the frequency of our desire for lovemaking.
We've tried a lot of different approaches to get things back on an even keel. One of the best is the Coital Alignment Technique (similar to 'grinding the corn'), which is great for producing a gentle build up of sexual friction and an explosive, whole body, usually simultaneous orgasm. The trouble is, it's hard to keep from speeding up and getting over frantic towards the end.