No intial chemistry

Submitted by spaceman98 on
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I met a girl a couple of months ago via an internet website. We spoke a number of times on the phone. We had a great connection and could chat for hours ina very open and honest way about many things. We finally met and my first feeling was that I didnt feel attracted to her physically. Despite this I enjoyed her company and we laughed a lot. I shared with her my journey and experimentations with this approach to lovemaking and how I saw this as an important way of connecting in relationship. She was a little open to this whilst having some reservations that she enjoyed very much convential sex and hadnt experienced any hangover from this whilst at the same time acknowledging that perhaps she had but wasnt aware of it.
Anyway she agreed to read the book.

We met again and this time we shared a bed together but didnt have any physical interaction.
I have been struggling with getting clear about my feeling towards this person. In the past my relationships have begun with a strong feeling to want to connect physically with the pesron and chemistry and desire. However I have changed a lot over the past couple of years and now no longer totally buy into those feelings as a good measure of it being a good relationship.

However I am in new territory here in the fact that I have a great connection with a person and see the potential for a relationship , that we have shared outlooks , values etc however I dont as of yet despite having met with her 4 times and shared a bed twice have strong physical attraction with her.

I can see how if you were in a long term relationship and you started losing the physical attraction that using this way of lovemaking could reinvigortae the intimacy between you. However if it isnt there at the beginning? I feel as though it come with the exchanges and am willing to try it out with her,

this is the first time I have ever met anyone through a internet dating site and feel that there is a backround pressure to meet "mrs right" and am probably "wired" to look for certain strong urges that tell me that this is the one. However now I no longer trust fully in these feelings i am left with out a strong baraometer as to what i should be feeling to determine wether a realtionship is worth investing in as a long term commitment or wether its just friendship.

Any one else struggle with similar situations?



How does she feel about doing the Exchanges?

The first two weeks of them don't call for intercourse. You could see how you feel at the end of that time. I don't think you could hurt each other doing that, as the connection is very nourishing...even if you later part.

There's no easy answer here, but I think part of the gift of this information is learning not to let your hormones drive/distort mate part so that you are able to get done what you need to do in your life.

yes thanks. The only think is

yes thanks. The only think is that I have experience how the exchanges are better when you see each other regularly like each night. With this person we live a few hours away and may only see each other every couple of weeks . Which makes it more difficult to relax into that kind of intimacy and also makes the other option of lovemaking voice its requirements a little louder

I have been going through a

I have been going through a similar situation, albeit opposite in a way. I met a girl online about a month ago. It was my first time trying this route and the first girl I met in person. She is relatively plain for my standards but once we started getting physical there was great chemistry. It has taken longer to establish a mental rapport, which has felt strange.

It's just hard to tell at first. Only you can decide if there is absolutely no attraction, but one thing the reboot does is get you more grounded in your expectations. It sounds like she might be worth a shot if you have such a good time connecting with her. She might surprise you :).

In the four times you met you have had absolutely no action?

yes no action as you say. I

yes no action as you say. I just havent felt it strongly, although I could imagine i would warm to her given the right space which could happen when I see her next and suggest we experiment with a couple of exchanges. I am open to be suprised

I often have little initial

I often have little initial chemistry despite getting more deeply into values and such, even on a first meeting. Are you the type that will respond to her turning on her courting? I think that helps me. Otherwise, I can dismiss the more subtle attraction. Do you find her non-physical aspects attractive?

How is the emotional connection? I like heady women. Sometimes they can be more emotionally closed and that isn't helpful.

Can you explore without sparkling physical attraction? Or is that a limiting belief for you?

The stronger the initial pull, the stronger the repulsion can be. It could be healthier to not have fireworks at the beginning.

I find her to be extremely

I find her to be extremely smart, imtelligent and very very funny and I enjoy listening to her stories. Also she is a very good listener with a caring heart. I know it sounds shallow and is probably more about me but a couple of time I caught myself thinking that if she looked like so and so she would be perfect. Without a strong intial pull it may actually be easiert o relax into the physicakl intimacy. I have expereineced with the exchanges a few times with a partner that when I really didnt feel any attraction or desire for closeness but allowed myself to do it anyway I saw that my heart opened and I began to expereince a desire for my partner and love and a confidence that the block to intimacy was in my own mind but was projected out as something in my partner that wasnt turning me on.This was important for me to realise.

I must not be into pop

I must not be into pop culture enough as I don't tend to compare people to each other or stars.

I can let my observation skills run amok and cause me to brake. Sometimes that is good and sometimes it is limiting.

not sure about this one

I am having to rethink this also. Not because I am looking for anyone, because I'm happily committed but because my old thinking may be subject to revision.

I think it's smart not to depend upon initial chemistry. But then again, isn't it nice to have chemistry also?

To me it would be important that there be a spark. I think there is a genetic component to this. I think it comes across as a girl smells to me especially good somehow. This means we are genetically compatible. I think it's part of our biology. This site is dedicated in a way to having our biology more under our conscious control, so this may not be a valid way of selecting someone as a partner but there it is.

I don't have too much

I don't have too much experience with this yet, since I've always gone for that spark, but I've just started to hang out with someone who I share a lot in common with and I'm exploring our compatibility. I haven't really felt any attraction until we started talking more intimately later at night. That led to cuddling and nurturing touch and I swear he was getting better and better looking throughout the night. After a couple days though I started to panic a little at the power of nurturing touch and figure I should back off from that too cause I'm not so sure we're compatible. I thought that was funny, since I've been drawn to Karezza because of getting myself into incompatible situations so many times by jumping into conventional sex!