I remember the first times of sexual encounters with men - I always forced myself to go "forwards" because I didn´t want to be seen as prude or something like that. I was unexperienced but acted like I was experienced. I was shy and restrained but went straight on...though I wanted to do it slowly or I even didn´t want to do it at all. I must had seen too many movies where those scenes are always passionate and last only for a minute. I would have liked shy kisses and holding hands but I never had that in my days of puberty. I got my first kiss at the age of 17 and the boys must have thought I wasn´t at the beginning of my experiences. I am not sure if they would have been more like gentlemen if my experiences had been starting earlier...
It´s overwhelming how much influence the idea of sex in the modern (western) world has on our thoughts and actions. Being conservative or not even conservative but having some morality and rules makes you "uncool" and inhibited. It´s all about being "free" (which means selfish), easy (which means reckless), flexible (which means disoriented), autonomous (which means lonely) and active (which means desperate).
I think having rules makes you free, free to decide - only then you have a choice between something you think is good and something you think is bad. Otherwise you will decide randomly, influenced by your mood or by the smile of a stranger.
It must be hard to protect children from too early sexual encounters these days. My sister, a 12 year old girl, begins to wear bras though she has no real breasts yet because "everyone" at her class does and she would be an outsider if she didn´t. She bought a short dress which is much too sexy for girls her age...I can see so clearly that this western "idea of sex" forces her into a sexual being before she is one. This is not just the beginning of puberty, it´s much more - she tries to match with the societal picture of a young woman, which is still degrading - though we´ve had emancipation. The same with men - societal pictures degrade them to sexual beings (animate them to use porn and expect a never-ending sexual desire) and both of them, women and men try to "get" a partner that is "worth" enough...what is "worth enough" is of course decided by those societal or lets say capitalistic pictures.
Those thoughts are nothing new in this forum but I wanted to describe it my way. I associated those things when I read about "tantric sources" and thought about their "counterpart". http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/sources/tantra_buddhist
Especially this part impressed me:
[quote/]So many individuals, children, couples and families have been wounded by sexual misconduct. Practicing this training is to prevent ourselves and others form being wounded. Our stability and the stability of our families and society depend on it. To practice the Fourteenth Mindfulness Training is to heal ourselves and our society. When we are determined in this effort, the energy that is formed helps us transform into a bodhisattva. This is mindful living. In Buddhism, we speak of the oneness of body and spirit. What happens to the body also happens to the spirit. The sanity of the body is the sanity of the spirit; the violation of the body is the violation of the spirit. The union of two bodies can only be positive when there is also understanding and communion on the level of the spirit.
Sexual communion should be a ritual performed in mindfulness with great respect, care, and love. True love contains care and respect. It is deep, beautiful, and whole. In my tradition, husband and wife are expected to respect each other as guests, and when they practice this kind of respect, their love and happiness will continue for a long time. In sexual relationships, respect is one of the most important elements.[/quote]
Do you think if I show respect to my partner and give him love selflessly it will come back to me? Maybe he isn´t able to see what I give, the way I give it and what´s behind that...he still seems to be selfish. Maybe it´s my fault and I shouldn´t expect him to be this gentleman I am dreaming of...
I have always been the one who adored him and his body but I would like it the other way around - I would like him to serve me selflessly as it is described when talked about "good lovers"....but adoration of women is just another picture...
This is the point I was searching for - I am now aware that he doesn´t adore me when we have sex (or I feel like) and I want to be adored, appreciated and being loved selflessly...to say it directly: How do I get that?