it´s been a long time since I wrote - this is because my life happened outside the internet the last few months. Often I realized how different types of addiction were present in my or other peoples life, mostly the addiction to media.
I began to meditate a lot which gave me a broadening of the mind - this is something I simply realized and nothing that my ego want´s to shout out - and it´s not pleasant in all ways. I can see how my boyfriend is not present during sex and how strong he just want´s to achieve the goal. Somehow I lost him and the connection during sex. When we first tried slow and long sex he liked it and we had some very intimate moments (although he came most of the times) - but then I made the mistake to initiate passionate sex and since then I wasn´t able to lead him back to more present and slow sex. Whenever I try I have the feeling I do not satisfy him and he just waits until it finally starts to get hotter. I have the feeling he finds it boring and wants to go faster - it´s a fight where I try to slow down and he tries to speed up (through movement).
Also I think he doesn´t have sex with me because he desires my body and soul but because he is horny (which is a feeling all women know, I think). He is so not present I lost my lust to sleep with him. It´s like he has "won" because we do it "his way" - but on the other side: if we did it "my way" maybe HE would feel forced. Maybe he felt forced and began to work against it.
We had some days without sex and without the pressure to "do the right thing" and with much cuddling and it felt really nice and relaxing. When I asked him he said he didn´t want to get on my nerves so he didn´t initiate anything. It felt like I had "forbidden" to sleep with me and as if he had to "fight" for his fuck and take it whenever he can, stealing it from me. I mean, isn´t he able to seduce me, to convince me instead of begging or stealing? I don´t seduce him anymore because all I get from him is his fight for "faster".
What I also have learned is: fighting is very close to sex. I had an eye on it and recognized that the fights came always after sex or because of sex. The fights after sex didn´t have sex as an issue but anything else. When he had our cuddling time these few days there was no fighting at all.
At the moment I don´t know what to do. Being present myself, breathing slowly, moving slowly doesn´t help anymore to calm him down or it feels like forcing him. I don´t know if it´s good to force him to calm down "for his own end". But it´s not very helpful as well when I don´t want to sleep with him because we do it his way. Neither for him nor for me.
Sometimes I think one has to be very convinced of karezza (or similar ways of making love) to not want to go for more passion. It simply doesn´t sound right the first time and also the whole world of media sells "passion". Sometimes I think he simply is not as developed as I am and this is not the right time. He is 5 years younger than me and maybe I demand to much from this young boy. Maybe he simply has a "bad lover" - phase (yes I know it´s mean).