How karezza affects my attitudes

Submitted by strawberry field on
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To tell not only about my mood swings I will tell you something beyond the surface of daily moods.

I have the feeling my womanhood has been touched...in an irritable way. I feel anger, injured pride and on the other hand something I would call "solid peace". Maybe the book I am reading has an influence on that ("Tantric orgasm for women") but I remember starting those feelings before I began to read...so it must be something coming from the karezza experiences I made this weekend.

I am no "bra burner" and I don´t "insist" on my "female rights" but I can feel now the wounds that womanhood is suffering from - and men also suffer from the lack of femininity, the whole (what I can tell, western) society suffers. Some would say it´s the lack of introvert´s point of view and I would agree with this as well...you can find the lacks from many points of view and use different words but it´s all the same. I would reduce it to the lack of softness and at the same time pure strength - "pure" means that the strength isn´t forced by an ego to compensate the lack of love. "Pure" means a conscious and self-assure will that knows what is right without doubts, with the help of intuition.

For now I would call all those qualities "female" though I know of course they can be found in men too. My boyfriend told me something about his "female" side but now I don´t think he really knows what femininity means...he projected something onto it. I am willing to show him what it really is and I am on a good way I think. I am better in acting intuitive, perceiving subtle things AND reacting to them in a controlled way...for example: when I "knew" he could have stopped intercourse without orgasm easily and that it would have been better for him. I gave it to him anyway because I knew he had to learn his own lessons.

I have always been very sensitive, I have antennas which recognize many unspoken things between people and other subtle things but most of the time those things overwhelmed me. In the past few years I learned to use those informations better and better but now with the beginning of karezza I feel even more competent. First I take the position of an observer, second I chose how to react...well, not always but more often than some time ago.

I feel more "giving" but also that I am the one who decides how much to give and that limits the giving - well, I am not at the end of my journey. I even am back on childish behavior - and for the same time a mother - I feel offended because my will for giving isn´t as responded as I "deserve" it. I think this is my wounded pride of womanhood (yeah I know it sounds a bit stupid) but it´s okay because it will lead me to true giving...in a few steps I won´t give anything that isn´t needed. I always used to give too much - because I wanted something. Now I am on my way to the ability of deciding what to give.

I decided to not overwhelm my boyfriend with stupid and unnecessary giving which only show my needs. As long as he doesn´t ask for my attention I am not giving it to him. When I came home yesterday he wasn´t available and that showed me some lack of interest (he could have asked if my journey was okay or something similar)...that´s maybe a result of all the orgasms he thought he needed. I won´t force him to communicate with me as it´s against my pride and against his unbalanced brain chemistry. Well, karezza and rebalancing is all about limiting and it doesn´t only affect our sex lives.

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Insights

I slowly realize the sexual wounds I received, not only from him. But as my libido seemed to be normal I didn´t realize yet. I don´t blame anyone, it´s just common to act selfishly. I myself acted in this way and I was forcing things too often because I wanted to be wanted and much sex seemed to proof that we are in a good relationship. I even let him in one time without any arousal at all to injure my soul so that I can get rid of him easier - it left big scars on both of us, it was the worse sex ever (we both agreed). It was an act of revenge and how could anything be more injuring than sexual wounds...? I really must have been desperate...what the f...was I thinking?

He often criticized my pressure to get him aroused, he always wanted to do it slower. I hope I will find out how to simply invite him without wanting to "proof" something. Last time we met I managed it quite well but as I told before I made him come a few times to show I have the power. I don´t say I failed completely but now that I realize I was again controlling him by his arousal I feel a bit ashamed. Sometimes he forced me to sex but I forced us both to a more "exciting" way (as I thought)...I regret many things.

I think I was always trying to make things more exciting because he often says that he needs something "special" to get in touch with things and people. I wanted to be special to him, as other women seemed to be special to him easily. I wanted to be "more special" and wanted to show him how "exciting" I was. I myself was on that trip, too...I wanted so many special things and moments and...well him, who is also very special. But I know it´s only the lack of dopamine that affects both our wishes so much - we want more and more and more...I want to stop that crazy way of living, it´s exhausting and destroying our relationship. I think he doesn´t realize how much he is influenced by dopamine though I sent him some information about it. He has always been that way - though I mentioned one time that his cravings don´t seem to be at a normal level and he began to doubt as well...but I think he will come back to his old behaviors again and again, no matter how often he realizes the big "lack". The only way I think we can manage this is doing bonding behaviors and karezza (and hopefully he will reboot one time). There is nothing you could "talk about" and then change your life, it´s simply behavior that will change things. And as I am the one who began I am responsible for making it work out.

What a pressure when you always have to proof you´re special and worth it...I am tired of proofing.

Crazy world. Wink

Frustration day

It´s also very frustrating to invite him often - to do these or those things, not only sexual - and he so often says "no". Since he opened up to me things turned a little better and he accepts my invitations more often, but I still have the feeling I don´t do enough. I think he is suffering from a mild depression so I do not only blame myself but as he increased the distance between us the more orgasms he had it´s hard for me to not give up...being the responsible one with little support from him makes it frustrating, although I know I just have to wait until he is recovered from the hangover...but now there is another frustrating thought: He will not be fully recovered as he surely will masturbate (and probably already has).

Man, today is frustration day...I have to be less zealous. F... him. Wink

just keep on focusing on yourself

One thing that took me a long time (and still does from time to time) was focusing on my partner too much. Really, it's weird, but it's far less selfish when I focus on myself. It's very selfish when I focus on my partner's orgasms. This is what messed me up with my partner for a long time and is what we are working on today, over a year later, after a ton of Karezza. She doesn't feel as free about her sexuality as when we started because I pushed at her. I know your situation isn't the same, but the pushing and worrying about your partner kind of isn't a good idea. 

It's good if you refrain from orgasms and have lengthy sessions of intercourse, and don't masturbate, and he does whatever he does. I know that's weird but I think it works. 

emerson wrote:

[quote=emerson] I know your situation isn't the same, but the pushing and worrying about your partner kind of isn't a good idea.[/quote]

Yes I know...I have tendencies to devote myself to other persons (as he does with the other women) and have troubles to get out of that focusing. The only thing that works out is to focus intensely on something else but even this is hard work for me often because I am so very used to focus on him - it´s an addiction itself...I hope it gets better by the time and when my brain is more balanced.

I think I even try to get rid of his presence in my mind by telling myself how stupid he is - in order to find the "push"-button to kick him out (you can see it in the previous posts).

I hope you don´t think it´s weird as I can point out exactly what is going on - which might be a proof of my conscious and clear mind. I know I am addicted to him, I´m not crazy! Wink

Thanks for sharing your experiences...we seem to be in a similar position with a (more or less) reluctant partner...(reading your blog right now)

Try not to analyze

Meditate or exercise instead. Be consistent with it and you can form a new habit that is more productive than analyzing any aspect of life when you're in a post-O spin. Wink