Right and wrong - how perceptions change and can be changed

Submitted by strawberry field on
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My absence could be a good sign, but I still have the drive (caused by dopamine as we know^^) to report from time to time. I still do have many realizings which I´d like to share.

Just one thought in the beginning: I usually become obsessed by people or ideas/theories (or both) and this time it´s the idea of tantra/karezza and neurochemical explanations of obsession - isn´t that ironic?

But what I wanted to tell is: My boyfriend and I meet every weekend (which is more often than in the past and which developed within relationship healing progress, I think) and the last weekend was very interesting. He had continued reading the book "Tantric sex for men" and must have learned something from it, because he was leading intercourse into a very gentle, slow and conscious encounter which made me really satisfied. The next day we talked about it and he confidently said with a grin on his face: Well, I did something right...right? I am sure, he planned it....the result was great - and he can feel like a great lover. I-m so happy
Well...I don´t know how he did it but it must have been something different in his consciousness, nothing to do with a special position...

Though I didn´t need an orgasm he went on and led us to it. This may have been the reason for the "normal" and a bit disappointing intercourses we had the following days. What was really noticeable: he was strongly needy and said to me I would not stroke him enough. And he wanted me to stroke his penis instead of sleeping with me - but I said I didn´t like it (I never had though I did it sometimes) and that disappointed him badly. Wow, he was behaving like a woman...or a child. I don´t get real satisfaction from having "hand-sex" and I miss the personal interchange which comes with sex.

Though I assumed his brain-chemistry to be responsible for his needy behavior I stroked him more. I guess I am more the cuddling one because stroking can be exhausting for the arms...this might sound odd but it´s simply what I perceive.

Well...while he was needy I also had some after-effects: I thought of splitting up because I had a completely different view on him - childish, needy, not able to manage his life ( being a looser), boring, emotionally underdeveloped and so on. Well, I recognized my changed perception and noticed that he was just being nice and attentive...and had trouble with withdrawal = missing "something". He was like before but suddenly I didn´t like it. When I recognized it I changed my perception with my rational mind, I cleared up my mind and decided how to look at him, from which point of view. The "negative" point of view was still there but more like an envious friend who whispered mean things about my boyfriend into my ear and whom I found ridiculous.

You know, it´s a bit exhausting to describe things in a foreign language which I hardly can express in my own language...so - enough for now. And...sorry for the mistakes, I am not used to write in English anymore.

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You're a brilliant communicator,

even in English.

Here's a suggestion that a friend of mine invented once he found out about how orgasms can have hangovers. When he and his lady-friend get together for a weekend, he holds off on climaxing until their final encounter of the weekend.

Maybe you and your sweetheart could try that next time.

thanks for being here and visiting again with your thoughts

The awareness of neurochemistry is a great gift. You can be more conscious in what you decide and when you behave a certain way, you can observe your behavior and realize that it may be from hormones and nothing else. What a gift that is.

That's what I get from your post. You perceived him a certain way, and then realized *why* you were perceiving him this way, and it wasn't what he was doing so much as your own brain, hormone levels, etc. That is a very helpful realization.

 

 

Yes, exactly

It´s also a bit like one important thing of Buddhism: getting rid of your ego. It´s the same result: you can decide by yourself and aren´t pushed by your hormones, injuries from the past (trigger) or your "ego". You can step back and will have a wider range to view.

This maybe an exaggeration but...it´s like the liberty Immanuel Kant proved, you are always free to decide, even when you have to chose death. You are given a rational sense and when you´ve found out how to use it you´re free.
I feel more free in so many ways...and it´s not exaggerated when I say: I am finally the mistress of my mind - and my life. And it doesn´t need to be perfect.

I don´t know if others experienced such radical changes, but I think when you have a totally new point of view it may influence your life deeply...and I am not exaggerating!^^

Yes, this has been enormously

life-changing for me, too. That's why I had to write about it. Projection makes perception...and once we really realize how powerfully our inner balance (or lack thereof) affects our projections and perceptions, life is a "whole new ball game."

And, as you say, suddenly the ancient wisdom of many traditions makes a lot more sense!

Well, it´s not always easy to

Well, it´s not always easy to decide freely. Today it´s six days since last orgasm and I am emotional and want to split up again. It´s harder to get that view from outside, to see the own state of mind and it takes more time to calm down – but still, I am glad to be able to do so and because I have to work harder to get that view I can see clearly how strong the hormone- induced drive is. I shouldn´t underestimate this “enemy”.

I read an old statement of my boyfriend and was surprised that he had the idea that´s coming along with doing bonding behaviors on purpose and to stay absent from orgasm: he once suggested to take a few days without sex and just cuddle and be very caressing. I guess he has a sense for that whole area of bonding behaviors, he also asks very often for cuddling. I´ve got a plan for tonight, I want to stroke his whole body without the intend to arouse, I assume he will like it very much. It´s what he always has asked for and what was the reason for many fights, a subtle lack which made him look for “more” (e.g. other girls, unhealthy food, internet) and inhibited satisfaction with what he had. This is what we have to learn: be satisfied with what we have. I am sure that is the key for a better life, simple as that.

Let us know

how your experiment goes.

One purpose of the (first) two weeks of bonding behaviors in the Exchanges is precisely so that couples can understand how delicious and deeply satisfying affection only can be - even without intercourse. Once that realization soaks in, then intercourse is the "icing on the cake" instead of being the "only possible path to satisfaction."

It's very cool that your boyfriend figured this out for himself. Why do you think you were resistant? Did you feel less attractive in some way? Cheated of your orgasm? Or?

Anyway, here's an interesting study from 5 countries, which found that married men valued affectionate, flirty touch more than sex itself. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201107/guys-wh... Women did not, at least not to the same degree. Why not? Did they perceive flirty touch as a "demand" for intercourse? Or? Who knows?

It's a shame women don't automatically view this type of touch as a way to find a satisfying middle ground that keeps everyone glowing, without major performance demands. Have we been brainwashed? Or is there some other explanation?

Everything calmed down

It seems to me he is not as needy as before I began to stroke him more. We have less sex but more caressing, cuddling and talking. I think we will turn back to sex but for now the passion is gone. For me it all feels a bit boring though it feels relaxed without all the fighting we had before.

[quote=Marnia]Anyway, here's an interesting study from 5 countries, which found that married men valued affectionate, flirty touch more than sex itself.[/quote]

This is what I´ve heart from various men (of course no men whose egos were build on the "tough man" - self-display)...

[quote=Marnia]Why do you think you were resistant?[/quote]

It´s almost always in the background...a voice saying: you should leave him, he is "this and that". Sometimes that voice is louder, sometimes quieter, sometimes even gone. On that day it was louder and I blamed the hormones.

Is that voice normal? I mean, I could be happy - he still is very sweet and attentive and he opened his heart often, showed his warm, sensitive side. And all I can think of is run away. He is "too" sweet, it´s like in the cliché - women want a tough man...what is my problem? Is it still my passionate side that wants all this excitement and trouble?

[quote/]It's a shame women don't automatically view this type of touch as a way to find a satisfying middle ground that keeps everyone glowing, without major performance demands.[/quote]

I often felt his touch as a performance demand and it created many problems in relationship, like:

- I don´t wanna sleep with him but I have to or he will masturbate and that makes me unnecessary and a sex doll he can use or not - but he didn´t want to have sex and I started intercourse without neither me or him wanting it!

- I wanna sleep with him - but he doesn´t want to, he just wanted to cuddle but he doesn´t get what he wanted and that makes him frustrated.

For now I don´t view his touch as demanding and it seems by thinking in this way it lets all the pressure get out and let that touch really not be demanding - because nobody is expecting this touch to be demanding.

Well, I could imagine that we have been brainwashed: we are trained to get the most intensive thrill out of everything and so we think everybody else feels the same way and therefore wants to have sex with me when touching me. And men are figured as sex - addicts in general, so women expect them to be like that. My two cents: The picture of how men "are" is unfair and creates expectations that can make men very unhappy - though many of them don´t realize that this picture is not how men "are".

So I am even more unhappy with my thoughts of running away because him to be "too" sweet. Shame on me.

One of us?

I assumed the one who had an orgasm would want to get away from the other for a while. But ok, it´s also possible, that the other one would want to get away from the other, the one without orgasm....right?

His last orgasm was on Monday or Tuesday...

The consensus for now seems

The consensus for now seems to be that the partner who doesn't orgasm can experience fallout too. Thus, either might want to get away. That might not manifest immediately post-O or be the same every time or for everyone. .