My absence could be a good sign, but I still have the drive (caused by dopamine as we know^^) to report from time to time. I still do have many realizings which I´d like to share.
Just one thought in the beginning: I usually become obsessed by people or ideas/theories (or both) and this time it´s the idea of tantra/karezza and neurochemical explanations of obsession - isn´t that ironic?
But what I wanted to tell is: My boyfriend and I meet every weekend (which is more often than in the past and which developed within relationship healing progress, I think) and the last weekend was very interesting. He had continued reading the book "Tantric sex for men" and must have learned something from it, because he was leading intercourse into a very gentle, slow and conscious encounter which made me really satisfied. The next day we talked about it and he confidently said with a grin on his face: Well, I did something right...right? I am sure, he planned it....the result was great - and he can feel like a great lover.
Well...I don´t know how he did it but it must have been something different in his consciousness, nothing to do with a special position...
Though I didn´t need an orgasm he went on and led us to it. This may have been the reason for the "normal" and a bit disappointing intercourses we had the following days. What was really noticeable: he was strongly needy and said to me I would not stroke him enough. And he wanted me to stroke his penis instead of sleeping with me - but I said I didn´t like it (I never had though I did it sometimes) and that disappointed him badly. Wow, he was behaving like a woman...or a child. I don´t get real satisfaction from having "hand-sex" and I miss the personal interchange which comes with sex.
Though I assumed his brain-chemistry to be responsible for his needy behavior I stroked him more. I guess I am more the cuddling one because stroking can be exhausting for the arms...this might sound odd but it´s simply what I perceive.
Well...while he was needy I also had some after-effects: I thought of splitting up because I had a completely different view on him - childish, needy, not able to manage his life ( being a looser), boring, emotionally underdeveloped and so on. Well, I recognized my changed perception and noticed that he was just being nice and attentive...and had trouble with withdrawal = missing "something". He was like before but suddenly I didn´t like it. When I recognized it I changed my perception with my rational mind, I cleared up my mind and decided how to look at him, from which point of view. The "negative" point of view was still there but more like an envious friend who whispered mean things about my boyfriend into my ear and whom I found ridiculous.
You know, it´s a bit exhausting to describe things in a foreign language which I hardly can express in my own language...so - enough for now. And...sorry for the mistakes, I am not used to write in English anymore.