He Prefers to Pull Out...

Submitted by SurprisedFiance on
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My fiance prefers to pull out when he's ready to orgasm and have me finish him with my hand. It has nothing to do with the "visual", but everything to do with the feeling. He says it feels better than staying inside. Is this truly just a preferance thing, or could it have to do with the fact that he may have "lost some feeling" there and needs the tighter, harder squeeze? If you don't know my story...he's still in denial. Been dealing with this since December when I found out he was PMO'ing approximately 5 times per week (sex with me 5-7 times per week). Thank you for any opinions...

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trust me there has to be

trust me there has to be sumthin to y he says that bcuz cummin inside a female is THE best thing in the world and if i had the opportunity to that wit a female who i kno is clean of stds and at anytime i want, i would be the happiest man period ... gotta be sumthin wrong wit dude lol

sure when I was masturbating to porn

I would frequently be unable to ejaculate and would need manual stimulation in order to have an orgasm.

Of *course* it's sublime having an orgasm inside your woman. So as you suspect, he is doing this because he has lost a lot of sensitivity due to porn.

Thanks, Emerson

Would you also give me your thoughts on this, based on your own experience and maybe what you've learned on this site: do most men that ultimately suffer with ED typically go in and get complete physicals, etc. to try to discover a "medical" cause for the ED? And if so, when porn is the culprit but the MD is not aware of that, what does the doctor say? Offer? Just viagra? I would love to hear the story of anyone that had testing, nothing was "wrong", then later solved the problem on their own via reboot, etc.

you have all the insight you need

I think you know more than 99% of people, men or women, about this problem now.

The MDs are *never* aware of the porn connection, I would venture to guess. I have never heard of any MD who was aware of it, judging from being here on this site quite a lot the past about 4 months.

Marnia and Gary have pointed out the political issues with educating MDs or anyone about porn.

The correct party line is orgasms are always good, masturbation is always healthy, ED requires drugs. It's crazy but no more crazy than the medical establishment promoting pasta dinners for diabetics. Since when is medicine not loaded with quackery (and I'm not knocking all of it of course.)

Really, you are the problem, SurprisedFiance. You aren't cool with what he is doing. He's cool with it, you aren't. If you can be cool with your pornguy, then you might have a great life. It all really has to do with you, not him. He seems cool with it. You already know all this.

Thanks Marnia,

I had my hands on this once before, but had not bookmarked it in any way. I'm not great on finding what I need when searching either site, so I appreciate your links. This one is very important to the stage we are at right now...thank you!

Hi Freedom,

He recently did a 30-day "bullshit reboot" as he referred to it yesterday. However, while we had non-orgasmic sex that whole time, I am fairly confident that he MO'd twice. Probably more, but 2 times I'm pretty sure of - he denies it of course. So I guess the reboot really was "bullshit", in that he didn't do it! So the answer would be no. Even when we had our amazing "date weekend" - he was done with the 30 days and so planned to orgasm - he pulled out. And just to clarify, not sure if it makes a difference, but he comes immediately when he pulls out (I do not use my hand for any stroking other than what's needed - I don't do it several times before he starts, that is).

Sensitivity returns some from

Sensitivity returns some from any abstinence. This isn't easy. Consider being more positive about it with him even if he's negative. Going from 5 MOs per week to 2 times per month isn't the wrong direction.

Did he ever like to orgasm inside you? Are you doing anything to discourage that? Or might he be devaluing it somehow? What might make that more desirable for him and shift his preference?

This takes time. Do you feel you've made any progress?

He does inside on occassion...

...I've just always left it up to him. He knows I like it when he does, I ask him to at the beginning sometimes, so that I know it's already "established", if you will. Even then he will often say "I'm gonna pull out, is that ok?" Prior to his vasectomy two years ago he preferred them (in/out) about equally I'm guessing. We would take risks and have him do it inside without a condom on occassion (stupid, educated adults, I know!) in the heat of the moment, etc. Now he can do it whenever he wants and does it less and less.

He also gets soft WHILE actively pumping (that sounds so crass, is there another word for it?), and while it has happended to some extent since we've been together (he is a life-long masturbator since age 11, and high-speed internet porn came in the picture 3 years ago), it has definitely increased. He would not tell me of course, and "hide" it by stopping and going down on me for awhile. He also goes soft due to "cramps" he says - frequently. In retrospect I can see the patterns, he sees nothing.

Have we made progress? Not really. We (or I) have literally exhausted my resources with this - best friend, sister, cousin, therapist, AND MORE to no avail really. During each of our last two sessions the therapist (who is amazing at what she does) proposed that we might need to end the relationship. Already knew that of course, but surreal hearing it from her. I am trying to be patient, and all of you on here help SO much with that, but witnessing how he continues to approach this - "masturbation is healthy, there's no medical test that can prove the connection between ED and PMO, etc" - makes it difficult to hang in there. I know his brain is damaged, and I know I'm not the one that can fix it. I am completely in love with him, and have been for 6 years...would I watch him ruin his life with cocaine? No. So I'm not sure why I'm still here - other than I am addicted to him. See what I mean about how "exhausting" I am to others about this?

I have DRUG the horse to water, he will not drink . . .

Maybe the elimination of the

Maybe the elimination of the pregnancy risk reduced the reward for his brain. Maybe he's trying to tell you in an indirect way that he doesn't want to orgasm at all. Is that ok with you? Just because he orgasms with masturbation doesn't mean he wants to orgasm during sex or even with masturbation. His wiring to MO could be separate from sex. Sex could trigger his MO habits and make it hard for him not to go there. Perhaps you can find a way to communicate so that he can express what might help him avoid his habits in that moment.

It sounds like he is drinking. It's safer to drink slowly if one is dehydrated. Finding ways to reward the behavior you like might be more effective than seeking a guru. He can seek if he wants. You don't have to play that same game.

There's a very real possibility that another man will be worse. Be patient. Sit by the water. Play in the water. Drink the water. Dragging isn't necessary or effective.

Consider putting professional help aside for a bit and finding your way together. Sometimes too many cooks spoil the broth.

I Am Going To Do Just That, At Least For A Few Weeks!!

I am going to play in the water, drink the water, sit by the water and THINK. I will "think about the pink" (love that) and hope that sooner than later it shows it's face!

Regarding the pregnancy risk? We didn't take that risk often, I was just pointing out that we did take it at times because he desired to stay inside and we do not use condems. So if it is coming into play, he is not conscious of it. He wants to orgasm ALL THE TIME. He never wants to stop short of coming - he only does that when we run out of time before he has to leave for work, the kids are knocking at the door, and of course during the "bs" reboot. When this all came out, he said the only reason he watched the porn is to orgasm faster - then he could go to bed, move on with the next thing, whatever. So he always comes - with me, alone, to the porn. Another reason he says porn is not a problem - because he only uses it as a means to an end. He says the guys who watch it just to watch it, they have the problem. I'm thinking - opposite!

one more thing

I was addicted to porn since I was an adolescent and my wife never knew. I suffered some problems occasionally, and she was patient with me and I was able to have intercourse with her and that was many a year ago. She never knew I was into porn until recently when I quit masturbation and quit porn and told her.

All that time, I had occasional ED, occasional intercourse without orgasm, or with manual stimulation I would come. Nobody thought anything of it (except me and I didn't say anything.) See, it wasn't a problem for my wife.

In fact when the "new me" emerged it was quite upsetting to her.

All I'm saying is, if you can live with it, it could be perfectly fine.

she never knew

until after I had quit.

IF she had found out, I would probably have not wanted her to coax me out of it. I probably would have said "it's my business" and not been interested in her overtures to help.

 

I Know, I Know...

...I definitely fatalize - I feel as though he's throwing us away. It's hard (no pun intended) knowing what is likely in store because he chooses to live in denial. I get your points, and I love you guys for humoring and tolerating me every few weeks when I can't take anymore and have to get back on here!

Positive Attitude

You are right, I need to be more patient and more positive...I am often miserable, and that's no good...how attractive could I be right now? It could be that I'm defeating myself in that way - I could be facilitating his falling "out of love"...then for sure I'd lose to my competition!!

Maybe forget about your

Maybe forget about your competition or how he sees you. Isn't that more pink elephants? Are you limiting your love for him when you see this giant loser sign over his head. He is who he is right now. Reward what you like. He is changing. It's tough. Love him and cut both of yourselves some slack. Humans get stuck in many strange behaviors. Put yourself in his shoes. Therapists can be well-intentioned and yet unhelpful because like lawyers, they need clients and don't fully understand the dynamics. You two best know how to suggest and reward changes in each other. Find the water together.

I've Been Told by Several

that the ball is in my court. Clearly I have to take time and give this serious thought. I don't trust myself that I'll ever be able to live "happily" with it until he stops denying and starts dealing. When discussing all this AGAIN with our counselor yesterday she looked at him and said, "Aside from the masturbating, Fiance, you know that PORN is off the table for you, right? It's a trigger for you". He agreed completely. This morning in conversation he said to me, "But I tell you what - I don't think that going to a strip club a few times a year and watching a porn DVD with my partner every now and then is a problem". Really? Were we in the same meeting yesterday?? And isn't DVD porn still porn? Yes, I've got thinking to do...

Quick question

When he pulls out, where does he cums?

If he likes to cum in your mouth, boobs, ass, or even stomach, then it's probably tightly link to porn.

He might be addicted to the "cumshot porn genre" and probably has trouble cuming in other ways.

Also, remember that 99% of porn scenes end with a cumshot. He probably wants to replicate what he sees on porn.

Just a theory.