Not sure why, but I disappeared from this site for several months. I had really been enjoying the wonderful, supportive sense of community that exists on this site, and I feel that it even helped me to start to get a hold of an addiction that has haunted me for years. Then I dropped out. Stopped reading others posts, stopped writing my own. For any addict, this lack of community can be devastating... and it has been. For the past several months I have been caught back up in the vicious cycle that only PMO can offer. Extreme pleasure, extreme guilt. Rinse, repeat.
Had a very interesting talk with my yoga teacher the other day. I am about to start a teacher training next weekend, and I was sharing my feelings about it with her on Saturday. I told her that I really haven't been practicing much lately because I really just haven't felt like it. She asked me why this might be, and I didn't really have an answer. I said that many times lately I have simply been asking myself, "Why do I even do this?". The advice she gave was that I just need to take all that doubt, all that apathy, straight to the mat. "The mat is a metaphor," she said.
It is quite clear to me now. The more I drink, the less I do yoga. The less I do yoga, the more I am lured by the intense pleasure of PMO. Over the past couple of years, I have mostly been a non-drinker. The decision was made not because I was an alcoholic who needed to quit or it would ruin my life, but more because I just didn't feel that alcohol really served my highest good anymore. So I stopped, except for the occasional beer or glass of wine here and there. Over the past month or so though, I have been drinking much more. This isn't to say I'm going out and getting plastered.
Well last night it hit me. Just how hard this karezza thing is going to be. I think I've been so focused on abstaining from PMO that I haven't really put much thought into how challenging karezza is going to be. It hit me at some point last night when there was a beautiful woman on my lap, making out with me in a car. Jill and I went to see "Midnight in Paris". In the beginning of the movie I reached over and took her hand. At first we were just holding hands with our thumbs kind of dancing around with each other.
Went on a date with Jill yesterday. She is the one with whom I had such an amazing coffee date last week. Both of us have been super busy with work, so we hadn't been able to hang out again until yesterday. A couple days ago I asked her if she had ever been slacklining before, and if not if she wanted to try it out. She said she hadn't and wanted to know what it was. After I explained (if you don't know what it is, see here to get an idea: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAa9GqLSEJM), she said she was super excited to try it.
So I've relapsed once again. The upshot is that I'm not feeling guilty about it. There's no shame involved when I end up giving in to these silly cravings. It's more of a feeling of not living up to potential. I don't get down on myself when I end up masturbating and getting off, I just very matter-of-factly tell myself that if I keep letting this thing get the best of me, then I'll never do the great things I was meant to do in this life, of which I know there are many. I feel it deep down, something is clawing and wanting so badly to come out of me, or come through me.
So I have profiles on a few different internet personals sites. One of those sites is Okcupid. It's kind of a social network and online dating site rolled into one- there are some people on there looking for friends, while others are looking for more intimate connections. So there are various sections users can fill out on their profiles, one of which is "Most private thing I'm willing to admit." Here's what mine says:
Wow, the past couple days have been a little rough. Since my last post I have relapsed once again. 5 days ago I was on the computer and ended up looking at pictures of attractive women. It was all over from there. I'm now back on the wagon, with 5 days sober. The last couple of days at work have been hellish. It has been really crazy busy in there, and I have nowhere to hide. No matter how "hungover" I feel, I still have to paste a smile on my face and give great service to the guests.
So I binged a bit. Ended up having 3 orgasms yesterday. I was going strong at 51 days, and somehow I ended up on the computer looking at pictures. It was all downhill from there. I kept ramping myself up, but then backing off right before orgasm. Eventually I figured that I had gotten so close, had caused such a dopamine surge in my brain, that I might as well just get off. So I gave myself a free pass yesterday. I masturbated to orgasm 3 times. Today the journey begins anew, but unlike past times where I've relapsed, I don't feel like I'm all the way back where I started.
The following is transcribed from a journal entry I wrote today. It poured out of me in a coffeeshop today and I thought I'd share...