Good to be back...

Submitted by tattvamasi on
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Not sure why, but I disappeared from this site for several months. I had really been enjoying the wonderful, supportive sense of community that exists on this site, and I feel that it even helped me to start to get a hold of an addiction that has haunted me for years. Then I dropped out. Stopped reading others posts, stopped writing my own. For any addict, this lack of community can be devastating... and it has been. For the past several months I have been caught back up in the vicious cycle that only PMO can offer. Extreme pleasure, extreme guilt. Rinse, repeat. But I must say, even after a while the guilt started to fade and I was left with a very machine-like existence.
I had an existential crisis a few months back. Very intense feelings of "why are any of us here?" and "what is the point of any of this?" For those who have never experienced such feelings, it's not a very fun place to be. It is really hard to focus on waiting tables and getting people their food when you're failing to see the point in anything. I'm not sure what exactly caused this, but I have a few suspects. First up is Saturn. I'm about to turn 29, and I think my Saturn Return is starting to come into full swing. I have heard that this time in a person's life has the tendency to wreak havoc, and I'm starting to see the truth in that. I'm really trying to just remember to breathe and take time out to meditate as much as possible, knowing that once I get through it, things will be more clear to me. The other possible culprit is the ceremonial work I have been doing. I participated in another Ayahuasca ceremony back at the beginning of November, and it was really hard. I spent the majority of the night lost in my own head, not even sure if I or anyone or anything else really existed. A scary experience, and I think it stayed with me. A few weeks after the ceremony is when the deep questions of existence started. A friend/mentor of mine is actually apprenticing in Peruvian shamanism, and after about 3 weeks of these questions (along with what I can only describe as existential anxiety), I decided to pick his brain about what could be going on with me. His explanation was profound, yet simple. He said that energetically, there is so much "shit flying around the room" in ceremonies of that nature, that someone else's "stuff" can literally just land on you, attach to you and proceed to feed off you. It makes sense, considering the friend I had brought with me (who sat next to me during the entire ceremony) said that he felt like he purged "10 years of bad decisions and regrets."
I think this existential crisis is what made me really start to succumb to my old habits again. I was having such a difficult time with reality that I reverted back to the old coping mechanisms that have been in place for years. I shut off my brain and my desire to transcend the addiction that has ensnared me for so long. I flipped on autopilot, destination: gross physical pleasure. The guilt wasn't there because I didn't care about whether or not I was doing something good or bad for my own evolution. I just wanted to feel as good as possible as much as possible. Classic words of an addict.
Something has broken me out of the automation though. Well, someone, I should say. Her name is Becky. I met her on around Thanksgiving and we immediately hit it off through numerous e-mails. She was actually living in a different city, but had her sights set on moving to Asheville, so she came to visit. We spent the weekend together and had a great time. The best part? Through our lengthy internet correspondence, I shared with her how I've had problems with orgasm-seeking behavior for many years and that I'd like to try something different: karezza. She didn't judge me and even shared a bit of her own personal past, which has it's own ups and downs. Her visit was in the middle of December, after which she decided to relocate to Asheville.
Fast forward to this past Monday, the day of her arrival. Up until the day that she got here, I was on a crazy orgasm binge. My rationale was that I would wait until she got here to start abstaining from orgasm. That is all well and good (no PMO since she has arrived), but now I'm dealing with the fallout of all those orgasms. The two-week slump, if you will. We have spent a significant amount of time with each other since she has arrived, even spending the night together 3 of the 4 nights she has been here, and while I have enjoyed it I can't help but notice those same old feelings of not wanting to get involved. My brain has been pumped with "add-a-mate" chemicals for so long that it's going to be really hard to rewire it so that I want to have only one person in my life.
After having explained the beauty of karezza and my desire to try it, she seemed very intrigued- we've even started our own book club where we're reading CPA to each other in bed! The only problem here? She's never had an orgasm. So while she is really excited to try a method that could lead to a very healthy, intimate relationship, she also has the strong desire to know what it feels like to orgasm (side note: she is one of the most creative and artistic people I have ever met- proof that abstaining from orgasm helps creativity?). So how do I navigate this situation? Things have gotten steamy a couple of times with us, and it has been hard to stop them before I orgasm, but I have. In our previous discussions of this subject, I have told her that the only time I want to have an orgasm is if she has one too. Atleast then we'll be sharing the "hangover" together and we can discuss what we're going through. I'm just kind of at a loss right now though. I feel that it is good that I have someone to share loving touch and closeness with, but I feel that one of us is going to have to compromise and I really don't want it to be me. I've spent too long chasing that feeling and I don't want to anymore. But at the same time I don't think it's fair of me to expect her to never know what such an experience feels like. Help!