Back after about a year, here's my story.

Submitted by Terminus on
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Greetings to one and all, some of you may know me, many of you probably don't and maybe some just don't remember... either way I'm back to offer up my story and support for others.

I'm honestly too tired/lazy at the moment to look up my join date, etc. but I joined probably about 2 years ago maybe longer and have been gone from the site for abouta year, I want to say. I had a relationship for 9 months that ended recently (no, not what you might be thinking with the 9 month thing) and have come back to offer advice, information and just kinda tell my story and reconnect.

So where am I at the moment?

Well I still live at home although I have started paying rent, and it's been an eye opening experience. I really have to budget things now, and it just makes me more careful with my money. It also makes me wish I had saved money as if I had been paying rent previously.... :( I'd have a ton of money saved up if I had. I realize this may sound a little odd but here's the brief backstory. I live with family and have done so for the last almost 10 years while going to school without paying rent to make going to school easier, they need financial assistance and I need to learn to adapt to paying rent so I volunteered at the recommendation of other family members. It's a bargain price, but working part time and going to school... I definitely feel the sting.

I'm also changing my major from Psychology to (probably) business. Why? Well I did my pre-reqs, transferred to a state university, and did a semester of psych and took a semester off due to health concerns. I'm changing majors because quite frankly... I'm 27, must work somewhere between part time and full time, would like to have the time to maintain my body and social life in addition to work and school and can't maintain all 3 sufficiently enough to get into a masters degree program which would basically be a requirement for me if I were to continue with Psychology. If I get my BA in business I can go into a career involving my interests and hobbies and still try to go to grad school for psych if I want. That's the gist of it.

I don't know how many people I used to chat with are still on here, but as far as my health concerns go things are looking up. I had some infections and had to withdraw from my classes, moreso because of the depression that came out of the physical health issues than anything. I'm doing much better though, and have sought help. I feel much better than I have in a long time, and am getting some good perspective on myself and my life. Thanks to my time working on myself, I think I've gained the tools to maintain myself, even if my sessions ended... which I may have to do for financial reasons... at this point the extra $140 per month would be well spent on vehicle maintinance or just being saved.

As far as my progress with the ED issues go.. things are definitely better. I have discovered that at least in my case, my perspective and level of comfort with sex makes a very large difference, as does my physical condition. When I'm in better physical shape and eating a healthier diet/taking vitamins I have fewer issues. I've also experimented with different supplements and have even read several scientific papers on one or two of them and have determined there are a couple that absolutely help. Some of them do contain other chemical or compounds that could end up causing issues in the longrun though, and so I only take one. I currently am taking Maca root and still doing research on it while taking it. It's proven through experimentation to increase libido and other things like sperm count, motility and semen volume. Some supplements contain things like phytoestrogens and other things that can screw up your hormone regulation and so I'm still researching that as I'm taking it.

I'm not sure what level of detail you all would like... let me know or pm me and I'll fill you in, but needless to say things are improved "down there". I had a relationship for about nine months and had puuuuuhlenty of sex during that course of time. I discovered some interesting things about myself and my sexuality and it was a great discovery process. Some things I already knew and some things came as kind of a surprise.

You guys really don't need to know the details of my sex life and I'm not sure that it would be particularly helpful to anyone anyway, but here's some of the knowledge I gained from my relationship:

-Sex is natural and nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of, period. Humans are sexual beings and it's a part of our lives and not something to be ignored or pushed aside.

-You never really know what your sexual inclinations or desires or comfort levels are until you have a relationship that is physical... with plenty of physicality. I had so many preconceptions and ideas about myself and a sexual relationship while having (almost) no experience with it.

-if you're having sexual performance issues and you're overweight, out of shape, inexperienced, have had bad experiences in the past or any combination thereof.... you need to address these issues. These all can have a larger impact than you realize.

I think the last info is possibly the most important. From having read many testimonials here in the past and my own experience... I can't stress enough how you need to not be discouraged even though it's easy to be so. I placed way too much emphasis on my own self and didn't attribute sufficient cause to things like being overweight, out of shape, stressed out, unhealthy diet, etc.

So my relationship: I dated online for about 5 to 6 months and found someone who I hit it off with. We dated for a couple months then made it official and then about 6-7 months later we broke up. It was basically each of our own first experience with a long term relationship. Our total time together was about 9 months. I learned a lot about being in a relationship, being attentive to someone elses needs, etc. I think the biggest things I learned and probably the most important... were about what I wanted in a relationship partner.. what I was willing to accept and what I wouldn't want to deal with again...

I've seen a lot of guys on here who don't have a lot of experience with relationships or sex because of mtultiple reasons but primarily due to the havok that can eb wrought by internet porn. I still look at porn, although not as often as before and I have a different attitude towards it. It can definitely be harmful and I think honestly that everyone is better off without it... but it can be a sexual outlet when you don't have any other means. A good example of this is when I started having some real problems in my relationship and I turned to porn. I'm sure this'll probably get some negative reactions... but I tried to work on my relationship, talked about sex and sexuality with my partner and for whatever reason she continued to just pull away. The porn didn't cause any problems with the relationship; it didn't affect performance too much, it wasn't something I'd rather have done than have sex with my partner, it really wasn't much of a factor in anything at all, really...

Online dating can be a great tool when used properly, but I'd probably advise against it overall, or at least just be prepared for a lot of trial and error. Honestly, meeting people in person is what I'm focusing on now. If you're a male and you're dating online you have to realize that women are being inundated with sometimes hundreds of messages per day and you have to stand out. That doesn't mean you have to be Brad Pitt, you just have to seem genuine, and make your message stand out. Honestly, it's not that different from real life. The other thing is... not everyone is going to be interested in you, period. Now you may find every woman you find attractive, or at least you wouldn't turn down a proposition for sex if it was offered ( I know we all feel that way sometimes) but in reality would you date just anyone? Probably not. If you're going to online date, use one or two free ones, use the metrics and profile analysis etc. that's provided for free on OKCupid, and apply that to all your profiles, and find a popular pay version if you want and really focus on sending a message or two a day. I had lots of dates, and eventually found someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. obviously it didn't work out that way... since we broke up.. but you'll never get there if you don't give things a chance.

So now the juicy part... I'm sure by now some of you are smoldering and waiting for what happened to my relationship. You know... I still don't now exactly what happened. Things were great for a long time, then suddenly we stopped having sex because she didn't want to or wasn't in the mood, we started having arguments which when the issues were resolved would come right back a day or two later and I just got tired of it. In the span of about a month and a half we went from 0 fights or arguments and plenty of healthy sex and time together to me being ignored for 10 minutes to half an hour when I would go visit her while she spent time with her sister, not having any sex at all, having about one argument or fight a week, emotional distance, frustration and when we addressed what was going wrong and what the future of our relationship was I asked if we were mutually breaking up, she kept beating around the bush and not commenting either way, so I just thought to myself "fuck it, I'm not enjoying this, we've got issues that will get worse down the road and she's noncommittal", and when I said I think we are... she offered me a handshake. Yeah.... So long-story short I guess she just stopped loving me. She even said so... that she was no longer romantically in love with me.

I'm not taking it personally... it's not like there's something wrong with me. In-fact I discovered I was a pretty kick-ass boyfriend and anyone who's with me is fortunate. I know that may sound arrogant, but I'm just very considerate and attentive.

So now I feel like I'm rambling and this is turning more into a vent post than somethign here to help others, although maybe you'll glean something useful from it.

PM me or post on here if you have a question or want some advice, I'll do what I can.


Welcome back

First, most of the guys who were here are either recovered or at one of these forums now:




I try to get guys to go over to them because I feel like it does them good to learn from their peers. There are a lot of recovered guys helping out with good insights...and very few here now.

Second, sorry the relationship didn't work out, but it's great that you gave it your best and learned so much. Here's something to think about: Will Orgasms Keep You in Love? You may think you're too young for this yet, but if you get tired of the relationship roller coaster, it's an alternative to consider.

Third, what about masturbation without porn if you need release? Less intense, but with porn you risk wiring your sexuality to a lot of features that are not present in real sex. Gary just did a new presentation on this. Have a look: Adolescent Brain Meets Highspeed Internet Porn - YouTube

Fourth, hope the new major works out. Sounds like a good strategy.

Congratulations on all your progress!

I'm going to delete your duplicate post in the forum, as people will see it twice otherwise.