Recommitment, a little update, and a promising date

Submitted by Terminus on
Printer-friendly version

Ok so, I'm getting back into this again:

Here's a little update.

I had a few relapses after really terrible dates. Well... specifically one relapse was after I had abstained for a week and I just gave in. The other was after what was quite literally the worst date of my life.

On the positive side I've set a timer on my phone for 30 days, during which I will not pmo, or play any video games. I think the games are somehow tied to my libido or interest in women and just generally speaking I would get more done without that hobby in my life.

Also I have a date on Friday with someone I really like. It's almost strange to describe it. She's a current/former customer of mine. She stopped in several months ago and purchased from me and came back a couple times for customer service issues/help. I didn't realize it at the time but she totally flirted with me and told me she came back to see me because she "missed" me. I didn't realize the connotation at the time, but right after she left someone told me what was up.

So I wrote down her name and where she worked. I hadn't had the courage to go say anything to her, and it's risky getting involved with customers sometimes. I went to her place of business on Saturday morning, found a way to get a hold of her and asked her out. She was very happy to see me, and even though she didn't realize quite why I was there at first, I explained I came to see her and say hi and then told her that i might have misread something the last time she was in, but that I wanted to see if she wanted to grab a coffee soon. She seemed to understand what was going on then and I'm seeing her Friday.

I know we have at least basic chemistry in person because I was interested in her before I knew/realized she was interested in me. Hopefully it goes well, but even if it doesn't it's ok. I've started watching what I eat again, counting my calories so I can lose weight, taking my medication regularly and am about to start to the gym again.

So here's to day 1 of 30 days no pmo or games.

Comments

Bravo!

That's a big step. Good job. Hope the date goes well.

It's tough to get out of the habit of consoling yourself with a "fix," but it's really worth rewiring that. Otherwise you're totally at the mercy of your mood swings.

Good luck with your new regimen! Sounds like it could pay big....

followup

Thanks for the encouragement, Marnia!

I think for the duration of this 30 day program I'm just going to update this particular post.

So I'm still gaming, but not as much. It's almost impossible for me not to because I'm working on an indie-game development with a friend AND my two best friends (who are married to each other) and I spend part of our social time together gaming online. So it's practically impossible for me to avoid altogether, but I haven't been binging on it. Which is great because I'm getting more stuff done that I normally wouldn't.

Diet is going well although I need to work on getting some lower-cal food as I have hit almost my calorie limit with my first and second meal of the day. Bare in mind that I eat several small meals throughout the day rather than 2 or 3 big ones. Maybe I just need some storage containers to cut back on the portions per small meal. That would be good.

Both interesting and strange dreams. I dreamed I was making out with my upcoming date. And it was arousing. It's been a while since I've actually had the desire to kiss someone or just be close to them. I think this is a very good sign. On the other hand I had the first dream (that I'm aware of anyway) where I dreamed of masturbating. Wow. I'm just surprised that I dreamed of that. In true form though I wasn't able to successfully finish, even though I had a partner with me. I've just never been able to seal the deal in dreams. I think I can remember one time where I did. That was like... 14 years ago.

Anyway it seems like the diet and less gaming is helping in my progress, although I suspect that repeated attempts and overall dramatically less porn over the last six months has made a big difference (even though I've had relapses I've probably watched porn 14 days out of the last 180 rather than what in the past would have been 170-180 out of those same 180 days). Now I just need to get to the gym after about another week of diligently taking my medication so I don't incur any injuries and that will help with everything as well, I'm sure.

I hope everyone else is doing well.

that's excellent

it speaks very well of you that you went and spoke to her and pursued this. That is very healthy interaction socially, good for you. I think you *would* have picked up these queues from her and probably will pick these up much more in the future of being porn free.

It's wonderful that you've recognized the tie-in with your mental and physical wellbeing connected with porn, diet and gaming.

More dreams, small update

Ok so, just another small update to go along with this 30 day period of abstaining.

So my dreams are overall becoming more vivid and I'm experiencing some new things. Recently I did decide that I would try to encourage myself to lucid dream. I've been under hypnosis hundreds of times and have listened to self hypnosis tapes for several years. I just tried to talk myself into it before sleeping a few times last week. Since then I've noticed that as I'm falling asleep I'm still conscious but starting to experience things in my dream state.

It's very confusing. It's not super realistic but I'm reacting to what I'm experiencing as I fall asleep and I can hear myself trying to reason through what's happening and the fact that none of it makes sense. My dreams have in general become more sexual and more intense as well. Last night I semi woke up in the middle of the night. I wasn't fully aware of what was going on as I was still in a quasi-awake state like I just described but I do know I was definitely doing something sexual as I was very aroused and I had to keep myself from capitalizing on that. It wasn't until I got up this morning that I realized how close I had come to what would've basically been masturbating in my sleep.

I have noticed that as time has gone on with my overall reboot process and reduction in porn use and masturbation that the time it takes for me to start to really crave masturbation and/or sex has decreased. Initially it would take about 1.5 to 2 weeks, now it's taking as little as 3-4 days and becoming much more intense around the 7th day of no pmo.

I also ordered a new heart-rate monitor for use at the gym, and bought some new clothes for my date tomorrow. I'll be sure to check in after the fact at some point to talk about how it went.

Interesting

Sounds like you're coming into balance. You know there's a spike of testosterone (up and back down) around day 7 after an ejaculation, right? It could help account for your 7th day effect.

Oh

I did not know that. That does make sense though. I think once I start lifting weights and using my heart-rate monitor to target my cardio/aerobic exercise zone that things will drastically improve. Years of being very overweight have possibly, I think, taken a larger toll on my sex life than anything else, as far as performance issues go. I'll be sure to give feedback on that once I get into a regimen that works for me on working out.

For now I'm giving up. The

For now I'm giving up. The added stress of trying to quit pmo is too much with the other issues I have going on in my life. I really just don't care any more for now. I'm sure I'll try again in the future.

WHAT?

Just 'cause one date went wrong? You're thinking with a post-bringe brain. Get sober for a couple of weeks and THEN make this decision.

Mamba

Back again. Felt super

Back again. Felt super depressed for 2 or 3 weeks. It was pretty bad. I'm not self-harming or anything, I just had a hard time taking care of every-day stuff, and of course pmo binged.

Good news though is I'm 3 days (I think) into a new 30 day commitment.

Well, quite honestly I think

Well, quite honestly I think the things keeping me from going completely off the rails are my two best friends who I meet with 2 or 3 times a week, and the fact that I just got into a university and am starting there next month.

I think as the next six months to year goes on I'm going to blog here about other stuff I'm doing too. Not trying to sound self-deprecating but I've kind of realized one of my biggest problems is that I still live at home and a host of issues that stem from that. I've had a lot of anger lately regarding that and how it's negatively affected my growth and my life and it's helped me realize one of the best things I could do to help myself in general, and even applying to pmo stuff is to move out.

So it's time to put together a plan to move out. It'll be tough moving out for the first time as I start going to work school full time for the first time in 6 years, but the I know it'll help me do a 180 with my life.

Little check in

Ok so I've started another 30 day countdown on no pmo and i'm doing well so far. So far I've had one night where Iknow I had sexual dreams that I'm aware of. Today I took a nap and had to avoid the urge to M. But overall it hasn't been too bad. I have 22 days and 10 hours left till I hit the 30 day mark.

On a related note I've begun looking for partners again and need a little sage advice. I could make this incredibly long so I'll try to bullet point this:

.I'm interested in a woman who showed interest in me at my job (she's a customer)

.I eventually made contact with her by visiting her at her work and asking her out

.she's cancelled on my twice for dates and never got back to me regarding the third date (well she did but it was a week and a half later when she said she would see when she was free)

.she recently contacted me again and alluded to possibly meeting up this sunday or next week if she takes some vacation time

My concerns are:

.I know people can get busy with jobs, and she apparently runs a 13 million dollar sales floor, but she's been taking forever to get back to me (although she still gets back to me)

.When I explained that I wasn't sure she wanted to communicate any more because of her lack of response she didn't really apologize, but basically just listed off why she's so busy

.my very astute female friend proposed the idea that maybe she's married and that's why she's so busy and hard to get a hold of sometimes. I hope this isn't the case, but I'm nervous about offending her if she isn't married by just straight out asking if she's married, although my friend is very on-point on many things and her general accuracy concerns me about this.

.I'm about to lose my job anyway, next month is my last month there, so I don't want to rock the boat and somehow lose my job by getting on this persons bad side, so I need some advice about how to go about this.

She seems interesting, but I'm concerned I'm a little too young for her (I'm 26 and she's 31, and I have another 7 years of school to go) and all this being too busy to even reply to a text message for a week and a half has really been off-putting.