I have had issues with arousal since the day I began being sexually active, ten years ago. Having slower sex has helped me achieve having orgasms- ironically- but now I realize I don't even want them because of the emotional side effects related. So Karezza is the current path, regardless..
I used to think I had sexual aversion. But i'm not disgusted by sex, it's more that I can be turned on physically and not feel or allow myself* to feel anything emotionally. I've never been sexually abused by others, or raped, but I probably have had negative attitudes to myself about my abilities regarding sex. However, my mother used to inappropriately tell me about her and my dad"s sex life and also would tell me about how my boyfriends should bring me to an orgasm- when I was 15! ..I know.. wtf
So I think in general, I have a lot of disgust regarding arousal. My current partner and every other partner I have been with has felt like they cannot arouse me even when I want to be aroused and feel connected in the most genuine way, and they have listened to how I want to do things,.. and it's a sore point in my sexual history.
I know the point of karezza is not to get too warm, so my goal is not to get super aroused- my real goal is to feel all of the arousal at the level that I choose to be, because often I want a certain level of arousal and although my body can get there, my heart, my mind, and my emotions cannot. I do not feel engaged when I have sex, regardless of how slow cautious or conscious I try to be. And it's depressing by all means. I want to give up sex altogether most times because if I can't feel anything or get anything out of it emotionally, what is the point?
I often also feel like because I cannot feel during sex, that everything else I do in life is pointless. I feel like everyone focuses on sex, so if I can't do it right, or have any satisfaction with it, how can I say I have achieved a successful life?
I know I should see a sexual therapist probably. But do you think long term Karezza can heal an aversion to arousal? Or help bring trauma to light in regards to me not feeling my own emotions or maybe feeling disgusted by them? I basically want to enjoy sex and I don't regardless of how slow or fast or what kind it is. It's not the type, it's my feelings related to arousal. I think I might have some deep shame about it but it's more a feeling of fear and disgust.. I don't know for sure