I think we just had karezza...

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Submitted by thegentlevegan on
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My boyfriend was very on with cues of slowing down and laying still and being slow with me tonight. I was also more vocal about my needs and he wanted me to share. There was also some laughter about it, and he found a new position of sitting on his thighs with me laying down and my bottom pulled towards him. It felt very open (like I could breathe and relax). And when I relaxed more into this for several moments, my vagina felt him!! I relaxed almost completely, and he felt it immediately (my vagina relaxing around him). He seemed relaxed by it too. I slowly released into a smile, which means I'm actually fully relaxed. I had the thought "yes" and "I'm with him". I told him I really liked "this" meaning the position and it was really nice. He agreed. And he began to move slowly (leaning towards me) and I felt him move, meaning I felt relaxed comfortable and pleasurable while he moved. I was with him. We both learned this time that for me it's important early on to leave me "space" meaning be in positions where I feel relaxed and open/free and to stay in those positions for a while. I already knew this but we discovered it together tonight, which was really nice.

I feel safe :) and for a few moments, I imagined what karezza could be like if we kept doing it. Several times tonight I realized/thought, "we are doing karezza, this is it, yay". Neither of us orgasmed, and we ended on a good note. Him making a clear distinction we are done after he had asked me if I wanted to... No leading/trailing off to cuddling then moving on to having sex again and getting aroused/orgasming. I left without tension, and that makes a world of difference because I feel "safe", like I can engage with my boyfriend with affection and there will not be hard consequences to deal with. I love this feeling and I am so grateful to him for allowing this space (literally, and figuratively) for me, and also in turn for him. I told him during sex "thank you for giving this space to me, because I will give back to you in return."




Well that's pretty cool

Now "all" you have to do is resist the instinctual "voices" that say, "ooooh....That was very nice, and it would be even better if we ratchet up the arousal with a bit more movement." Bomb


I agree :) I'm pretty much there... I've consciously and detachedly noticed in myself when I do it, without judgment.
My bf is still lost in the urge for arousal, but he even is getting more conscious of it. He mentioned to me that he feels bad if he feels good and I'm not "with" him, that he wants our exchanges to always be done together.. and that he has sexual expectations built from his past, that his body "just wants to go". ... I think it's hard for him to bridge the gap between these feelings because for so long, he had gaps where he was not sexually active, and /or the people he was with did not love or respect him, used him, and included no sexuality as part of that. So, in looking for that love, he is also expecting a kind of passionate sexuality,... But he is now realizing what my needs are and that I am much more responsive and connected with him when we slow down.. He also said he doesn't want to or feels like he shouldn't have to "orgasm every time". So there are sparks here and there!

No problem

i'm happy to share because I'm amazed at this process, grateful for Marnia's work and this website, and excited and joyful that I am able to enjoy sex more when I thought just a couple years ago that I was a hopeless cause for enjoying sex.

A Feeling of Emotional Safety with Karezza

Gentlevegan, I was interested that you said you felt “safe” with your boyfriend after starting Karezza because that is exactly what my girlfriend told me one night shortly after we started Karezza. When she said it my first thoughts were that she felt “physically” safe because of me. Later she told me that she felt “emotionally” safe and that she could be vulnerable and open with me more than she had before.

Karezza came at an important time for us in our relationship. We had been together for a couple years in high school and headed off to college together where after a few months the relationship fell apart. Blame it on every reason horny 18 year olds shouldn't make life altering decisions. After time apart of hooking up with anyone we could, we got back together—more to the story but that is the important stuff. Neither of us realized it until later, but you can’t go sleep with a bunch of other people and then get back together without some baggage coming along. That feeling of emotional safety is what helped to heal the relationship.

I am not saying that Karezza is the only reason we are still together, but it sure seems to have helped. Something that we learned in our over six years together is even if you love someone incredibly, a relationship takes work and forgiveness. Living together now is another big change and challenge for us. I am working and my girlfriend is in grad school. Try just laying in bed and connecting if you feel stressed.

One other thing, you will both still crave orgasms at certain times. Cut yourself some slack I don’t think there is a perfect way to do Karezza. Sometimes one of you will orgasm and the other will have no desire to, which is perfectly OK as long as you accept that as part of the process. If one or both of you orgasms, stay coupled together and bond afterwards. I realize that is hard if one of you cums and the other is trying not to—been there done that. I survived not losing it after my girlfriend’s orgasms most of the time, with practice you will be just fine.