I'm going to write about my feelings

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Submitted by thegentlevegan on
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Just making a new blog entry to talk about what I've been experiencing recently on our journey.

I hadn't had an orgasm for a couple months, although my boyfriend still was. I feel better having no orgasms- period. We have slower sex which has been great for me and he enjoys it now too. He still speeds up towards the end to have an orgasm. He does not have to do this, but I often enjoy it being fast, and inevitably he will have an orgasm. We are working towards communication where we can be slow the entire time and him have no orgasms. a couple times we have done this and he enjoyed it but still wanted an orgasm. other times, he was impartial and enjoyed going slow the whole time, but I still felt nervous about asking him to go slow.. so I didn't relax completely. In short, we are working on first- communication to say when I want to go slow the whole time, second- me and him letting go of cravings to go faster when we do decide to go slow the whole time, and third- which I think we haven't experienced before- coming to find a trusting space that we can go slow, it will be more enjoyable over time, and it's okay to not have orgasms period.

I know we both have in the back of our mind some idea that this is something "we're trying" and if we continue to do it, it's not real sex. we don't necessarily value hard and fast sex as much as most people do, or the idea that sex has to be that way. but the vulnerability of no to low stimulation opens up this space where I feel like we're missing out for no reason.... he has told me many times, he will follow me, we can do what I want, and we can do karezza. I just end up wanting to go faster myself, maybe because I do not trust that we will be slower, consistently, over time. I think I have a fear that if I get into a comfort level of going slow, and he wants to go fast again sometime, I will be totally turned off and will indirectly reject him even though it would be nothing personally about him, just about the kind of sex we're having. I don't think he would take it personally. A lot of these fears are made up in my head.

There is one highlight I have to share! My boyfriend brought up that it could work for us if we set a specific date to wait for until we have sex, rather than just saying "a week from now". He said it'd be better for me if I am allowed some more time so I can enjoy it more when we do have sex. He brought up this idea not me! :)

For now, we are waiting a week before we decide to have sex again because the last time we did, I did not enjoy it.. and I simply think we need more time in between and more time to be sure that we are willing to start this again slow, and stay slow. It's a challenge, mostly with my own ideas about what he "deserves" (faster sex) and I "should be able to give him". I feel like I'm not a proper woman- for my spouse- if I don't have conventional sex regularly. As progressive as I am, I still have some backwards emotional beliefs! I know how sexist, misogynist, or self-defeating these ideas can appear... but they still appear :)

if you read, thanks for reading. we're going as slow as the slowest galapagos tortoise and I hope that means we can win in the end :)


It sounds like the communication is still muddy

But it's hard for anyone on line to know if you're right that he says one thing, but still believes he's not having sex if he doesn't orgasm, or he really means what he says and you're just not "quite there" when it comes to believing him.

What about trying it 3 weeks one way and then 3 weeks the other for a few cycles?

Yea, we could do that

We make a significant milestone after I posted this. He told me he's lying to himself by saying that "if such and such were different, I wouldn't want to orgasm, or I wouldn't need to orgasm". I think he's with me on trying no o for real for two weeks and seeing how it goes. But I need to lead it.

Let us know how it goes

Remember, you're just trying experiments, so don't get overly concerned. If the alternetive's not working for one of you, you can always try something else.

It's great that he was honest. Give him a star for that!

May your upcoming 'No O' two

May your upcoming 'No O' two week experiment with your boyfriend go well, t-g-v-! May you be an effective lead!

As you know, the promised long-term relationship benefits -- which are real -- are well worth the short-term uneasiness from 'being out there in front,' showing your vulnerable side, and having to deal with the inevitable hiccups that arise in all new endeavors.

Godspeed to you two!