No-o, trying karezza diligently starting today

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Two days ago I had another orgasm along with becoming sick from a family member, so I am not feeling good at all.

Today, I was honest with my boyfriend and said "I'm not in the mood at all." And when he moved while we were cuddling (feeling up) I said "when you move, this is when I start to feel like you can go ahead and have sex with me because I feel like my desires don't matter anyways." He said "your desires always matter" and mentioned that he felt neglected or left in the dark to guess when I didn't tell him what exactly I wanted in our sexual relationship.

I told him that I want to have "calm, karezza sex once every two weeks, once I start wanting to have sex (after the post-o) symptoms. He said that it's fine, and he thought before that I was "with him" in what he wanted when we did it (movement based sex), but he realizes now that I wasn't. I told him that I just want mutual desire.

Realizing more, I feel "blown out" when I have orgasms. Like my head is painted against the wall and I sit in bed waiting for my brain to come back into my body. I also get extra angsty, irritable, child like in problem solving, and JEALOUS of all possible women my bf would talk to. It's obvious to me that my feelings are not related externally because there is nothing different in my environment.

I'm tired of being sick, too, but that will go away with more fluids.

Just so frustrated that I want to be in the no-o zone with calm, relaxed, enjoyable connections and feeling doubt regarding my faith in karezza in general just because I am having these jealousy abandonment fears that if I don't "make" satisfactory sex, my partner will leave me. He says that he doesn't care what we do, he's "in it for life" and he's not interested in the "fuck your brains out" type of sex. ...so, it's not him, it's me, and I'm trying to calm my own fears about never having a satisfying sexual experience (post-o sadness, boredom speaking)*.

Have any advice for me regarding rebalancing besides non sexy cuddling with him every day?
Getting a lot of random jealousy, including people that my bf talks to online...

Comments

A book I liked

had the phrase, "Safety is an inside job," meaning that feeling safe comes from within. Or, to state it differently, if you don't feel safe, there's nothing external you can do that will ever make you feel safe.

I think jealousy is the same way. It's an external manifestation of an inner insecurity or, like all of our distress on this planet, an inner sense of lack.

If I'm right, then daily bonding is very wise. So are meditation, exercise, socializing, time in nature, contemplating inspiring texts, doing something creative, and volunteer work. Those have all been shown to help create an inner sense of peace/wholeness/wellbeing/increased balance.  Could you maybe try some of those consistently for a bit?

Yeah

I think it's the internal sense which I am projecting onto the external. I think getting back into a good exercise habit as well as stretching, would help.

Things have gotten better

I think the biggest thing has been listening to my feelings. I've been taking action that aligns with my feelings, rather than against them, like I "should" do something else, especially with sex
for one, when I'm not turned on- we don't have sex. I've gotten better and better at saying aloud "I'm not turned on right now. I think we should wait to have sex. I don't feel completely with you." ... that has taken a LONG TIME to develop courage, and/or staying power because I've realized the negative effects (cravings for orgasm to "get it over with", and angsty tension developed in my back) are not worth the extra sex.

Another big thing with jealousy I've figured out is that neither of us will be happy if I monitor who or what his other relationships are... NOT just that he'll be mad at me and feel closed in and I will not be happy because he isn't. The main thing of why I'm not happy when I feel jealous is because my internal past projections about my life that caused the jealousy cannot be attended to by paying attention to him. They are my wounds I need to dress and take care of. It is good for both of us, because I also want him to feel free, and I do not want to cause burden in his mind.

Just yesterday I had a jealousy concern come up and I spoke to him directly after and said, "I'm sorry that I was jealous. I'm projecting my fears about you leaving me if our friend comes and stays with us because I'm actually concerned that I stay with myself as emotional issues may come up. And that's an insult to you, because it's not honoring your reality or who you are."
I felt good I could say that, but also I wished that it had never come up at all. "I affect him" as he says, a lot. I'm allowing some grace to leave it open, hoping I and he do as well..