So, despite that I was finding quite the sweet spot of success in lovemaking with my boyfriend with relaxing and feeling connection because it was genuine and I was not performing- check my other recent post- I seemed to forget just how important it is to have a genuinely desired connection, rather than a connection that seeks to be genuine.
I don't know if you've had this experience, but I can explain.
The other day, my boyfriend and I were laying in bed in the morning, and I felt very good and cuddly towards him, but moreso relaxed, and not seeking, but just being. Something on my phone grabbed my attention and I talks with my friend for a bit while in bed. I hesitated to do this because I knew that it threw me out of the relaxed-being state that I was about to settle into with my bf. this state often leaves me feeling aroused or open to more connection. But, I had left my friend hanging the night before so I wanted to catch the friendly wave of communication again. Once I said goodbye, I was no longer in the relaxed state, but I wanted to be, and regretted that I didn't take the opportunity to relax and enjoy my bf's presence.
Instead of letting this go and saying, oh well, I enjoyed what I did and I be open to another day by getting up and moving on, I tried to recreate that feeling by getting cuddly with my bf. I also decided to go down on him, and then proceed in having sex, but I wasn't actually feeling the arousal that I genuinely had the couple days prior. I could have waited a few more days or a week or so, but I chose not to. And because I wasn't as relaxed, I ended up wanting an orgasm for some kind of feeling and I reached for one! It felt fine, but soon after I had an orgasm, I realized I felt a change in the relationship and my feelings towards my bf. it was subtle, but I knew it right away. Instead of feeling and receiving what he gives me, I felt like I was trying to take what he could give me. It was subtle, but the mood had changed in me.
For a moment I thought- "oh darn! I found something so glorious and golden and now I returned away from it!" But in another moment i felt gratitude and thought that "by experiencing orgasm again, I now know that not having it affects me greatly and I can have a whole new realm of experience with the one I love."
The last few days I have been plagued with a brain fog I can't put my finger on and a tension in my groin that I keep trying to put a finger on! :) I also feel slight anxiety and grumpiness that has no basis in reality or my place in my life. In fact, when I think about my life right now, I feel really stoked and excited because there are new things and opportunities I can involve myself in. ...but- my groin keeps telling me somethin is wrong or strange... And unfortunately this little tension in my pelvis is something that will just be there until it isn't. Lesson learned. I love my bf and our sexuality but it only comes when I don't! :)
...And keep the phone out of the bedroom!! :)