So in light of being away from my partner for 1.5 months and I will still be away for another month, I had some pleasurable thoughts and decided to have an orgasm..
I have been working on some emotional issues while i've had the chance of lots of time with myself, mainly working on the concept of shame in my life and the unwanted identities from my family of origin that trigger shame within me. I had been working on an issue this morning and I was thinking about my positive goals for my body in terms of exercise. I wandered to imagine how my body would feel having sex with my partner while I was more fit. Needless to say, I got overstimulated and I followed through with having a small orgasm.
After the orgasm, I went back in my mind to the emotional issue I was trying to unravel, and I couldn't do it. My ability to sense the higher more intricate places of emotion, that I had sensed not yet 10 minutes before, was gone. It was as if I was climbing the ropes of my cortical ladder and the top ends were frayed and went to nothing. I was amazed that just one orgasm had given me enough tension in my head or a dopamine surge that I could not feel the finer, more subtle nuances of emotion that are necessary for inner psychological work.
This experience alone is enough to convince me that I do not need orgasms in my life and could be better off without them. I am constantly trying to better myself as my partner and I have had emotional issues from our family (who doesn't) that we need to sort out as it affects our relationship with eachother. Inner capacity for psychological growth is so important to me that one 5-15 second dose of delirium is something I will willingly let go of, as it seems that the momentary pleasure is a handicap. Not only is my mental integrity important to ME but the quality of my relationship with my partner absolutely hinges upon my emotional stability.
Although I feel disappointed that I cannot continue the emotional work that I was doing before the orgasm for now, I do not regret having the orgasm as this has been a perfect "controlled study" as nothing else in my immediate environment had changed during the time that I had the orgasm- not my diet, not my amount of exercise, or any emotional events between my partner and I had occurred. I know that my currently stunted ability in higher, critical emotional thought is the result of an orgasm, not anything else. And for that I am grateful, because many times there is confusion and suspicion that something else- my relationship itself or my lack of emotional intelligence- is causing my emotional distress.
I am so grateful for this website as a documentation of my discovery regarding the influence of orgasms on my life. Who knows how deep it goes, but it seems that without them, I have much more clarity and a developed emotional intelligence which gives me all the pleasure in the world with a candid honest and maybe even happy partnered relationship.