Yesterday, I was on Cloud Nine quite a lot. My energy levels and my health feel so much better. It's easier to get things done, even the most mundane things are a snap. I'm far more tolerant to things that used to irritate me. I used to be very introverted and now the idea of being around people doesn't give me anxiety (though I haven't really done much of it yet). I feel very loving, nurturing and gentle - and just happy. My beloved dog passed away in January. It was really hard for me as she and I were really close and I spent more time with her than anyone else in my life. The grief was overwhelming and long-lasting. Karezza has helped me immensely. Life feels like a gift again. I miss her dearly, but I'm not depressed anymore.
Riker and I spent most of the day together yesterday - nearly all of it au naturel. We would go from stimulated to cooled down and back again. It was amazing how good it all felt. Now that I don't handle myself sexually, his touch sends waves of pleasure throughout my body. If you watch Star Trek, Next Generation, there is a show where this pleasure inducing game is being played by people on the ship. It was some device that would stimulate the pleasure centers in the brain and people would "ahhh" when they scored. That was my response when my Riker would touch my sensitive places. It happened over and over even on his lightest touch. We kept a watch to make sure the pot didn't overboil by relaying % to maximum. I found I can get to 90-95% and still be able to back down and not feel exhausted and spent or revved up and ready to move on.
We fell asleep between "waves" at one point. He's always able to sleep easily but me, on the hand, well, I was critically sleep deprived 3 months straight when we first got together. I have always had issues with insomnia, am a very light sleeper and can't hardly sleep with someone in the same dwelling. Riker and I tried to sleep in the same house for those 3 months but in separate rooms (I couldn't sleep a wink in the same bed). You would think after a while I'd get used to it or get so dang tired that I'd have to sleep. Never happened. I'd catch 2-4 broken hours a night of restless, dreamless "sleep" most nights. We finally gave that up since it was taking a toll on my health. Yesterday, however, I fell asleep, for a short while, in his arms with my head on his chest. Can you imagine our surprise? And this happened while the sexual tension was pretty heavy in my body. I have been able to fall asleep very quickly at night as well. I'm so grateful!
The mild ecstatic joyful feelings came in long waves as well, even after I got home last night. It stays with me for hours where I'm kind of bouncing around like a happy bubble. My mind is not foggy or anything. It's rather clear, and focus and concentration are easy. Nothing feels like drudgery because it's almost hard to feel bad or even have a negative thought.
Another interesting thing I noted while making love yesterday. When I was running pretty close to O and a thought of just giving in and going for it came across my mind - the sensitivity dropped significantly as well as the pleasure. But then, in seconds I go back to keeping my goal of no O's and my sensitivity jumps right back where it was before. This happened several times and Riker remarked in surprise that he also noticed the same phenomena. So what's happening inside our brains? I wonder if it has something to do with sympathetic vs parasympathetic pathways and its effects on dopamine. What hormones cause the actual pleasure? Are we possibly by-passing the dopamine pathways by relaxing and not striving (I'm equating striving with dopamine)? Or maybe there is a striving and non-striving dopamine path.
You might think with the title "Resistance is Futile" I gave in to the O, but I didn't. It was close, really close, but I've got too much riding on this - my health and well being for starters. Riker, on the other hand, I'll let him tell his story. But I'm not pushing him either way. I'm so happy and in love with him that whatever he wants to do is okay, not that he's not putting a lot of effort into it because he ever so fervently is. There are some very cool things happening for him with all this. But since I'm calling him Riker, it seemed to be a fun title, and it also implies my way of being when we are making love. I'm learning to open up and be completely receptive and in his control. I have that he's the pilot and I'm the boat thing in my mind and I just let him take care of things. I am always touching and nurturing, but not trying to stimulate him a lot. I think striving actually causes a lot of resistance because you try so hard to control things and as "the boat" it doesn't work well. No more striving, no more resisting - just letting go and letting him guide us through waves of sublime pleasure on the ocean of our love.