Day 11 and 12

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Riker and I tried a sleep over the night before. I thought I'd actually sleep but I didn't but maybe 4 restless hours. It really wiped me out yesterday and didn't have the energy to blog, so catch up today.

Day 11, Riker and I spent a third day in a row constantly touching all day long. I used to need time to myself and would find a way to part company - now I don’t want to be away from him at all. He’s never been the “love ‘em and leave ‘em” type. He’s charming, romantic, sweet - he can disarm me with his gaze. He laughs and smiles so easily. I, on the other hand, can be very independent and proud though a very good nurturer - and until recently, I thought I lacked the romance gene. I am feeling more in love than ever with Riker and it’s spilling out in gooey romanticism. And he is just eating it up. He’s longed for this from me and, at times, he buries his face in my neck or chest squeezing me tight as tears well up in his eyes with joy, love, and gratitude. The way I used to feel seems foreign now. Loving him was never a question. I just don’t think I’ve ever felt safe enough to trust anyone, ever

Yesterday, as I mentioned, I was wiped out. We spent hours in bed together anyway and being tired didn't dissipate my desires to frolic with him. By the end of the day, Riker had managed to not O for 2 days, but finally the primal urge got to him. I felt the primal urge to pull it from him, to be breed, so my energies pushed him over the edge. He was doing so well before that though and was really beginning to see how wonderful it feels to not O.

I'm overcome with the need to "nurse" him - to rock him against my breasts and love him endearingly. In the past, my breasts were not much part of my repertoire. Now if I so much as think of Riker touching them I get ripples of delight running through my body and my heart opens up. I've had motherly feelings before, as I think it is natural for a woman to, but never in this way and not this strong (I never bore children). It hit me hard on day 11 while we were at his house in his bed. That night my own bed and pillow felt foreign to me and, being that I don't sleep easily, I've been attached to the same bed and pillow for many years where the idea of some other bed/pillow can send me into anxiety. I wonder, when the oxytocin surge occurred, If I also became attached to environment I was in which was at Riker's? Very strange. Now that I think about it, my own home feels less comforting and I want to be at his place at the moment.

Another thing I noticed is that my perspective has changed so much that I don't feel like the same person anymore. When I was feeling pretty bad yesterday some of my old self was back but not too much - just enough to remind me what it used to feel like.

Riker and I talked about not PIV, but I immediately said I wasn't ready. I want so badly to feel him as close as possible to me, but I think it heats us up too much in the long run. In time, it is inevitable to that we will have to explore cuddle-only days. I know that it will bring us to greater heights that way.

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