Day 13

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Submitted by Timetraveler on
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I felt better yesterday but not quite the sustained hours of bliss as a few days ago. I don't know how much of it is related to the passion cycle or my lack of sleep the other night. I don't have feelings of wanting my space but I did notice some old fears and irritations crop up. I went straight to Riker and we did oxytocin releasing stuff and I felt better right away. We were able to talk about all lot of things that normally can trigger our negative emotions and we did just fine. We were able to laugh at ourselves and be downright honest without fearing backlash. The ability to speak at such a vulnerable level supported by unconditional loving and understanding brought us even closer yet.

My health is improving quickly, even after that day of dragging I had. My heart palpitations can often be scary bad - like it skips every couple or few beats nearly all the time. I can get really tired from my heart's inefficiency. My nail beds and lips turn blue and get disorientated among other things when I'm really bad. Now my nails are a healthy reddish pink and my heart, when I woke up this morning, beat a beautiful steady rhythm. Riker and I even went out to eat last night, chinese, and I cried after a couple bites from being so grateful that I was able to taste something different after eating a very limited diet for quite a long time (I have terrible food intolerances, which aggravates the heart problems, and basically only been eating meat and cream). The flavors exploded on my palate - even a slice of orange was heavenly.

My weight went up a pound this morning though I feel skinnier. I'm not sure if it's from the chinese food or from an increase in prolactin or something else. Last couple days, there has been way more nipple stimulation than I've ever had and I'm starting to feel a fullness in them. I've always had a small amount of "milk" that can be squeezed out of them so I know my prolactin levels are higher than normal anyway. I think it's caused by high stress all of my life (stress releases a lot of prolactin) and turning to O's for stress relief. My stress levels are down significantly now and no O's so prolactin should be going down and my weight was reflecting it. I'm not very overweight and wouldn't be totally unhappy where I am at but I don't want to buy bigger clothes and it would be nice if the ones I have fit a bit looser.

Riker did very well holding back O yesterday. I didn't run so close to the edge either. In fact, I did try wearing a shirt and underwear as we lay in bed. Riker hasn't had a chance to read CPA yet since I just finished it. I showed him some stuff on tantric sex that I found online. He's very onboard with moving away from sexual pleasure focus based intimacy to bonding-based intimacy. I'm the one not really ready to do Exchanges yet but I know once I explore these other areas, I will be ready to commit to it. The excitement and curiosity to try Exchanges is beginning to stir in my mind.

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how wonderful

I love reading your posts.

Very smart to head for a cuddle when you feel those emotions. And isn't it neat how these feelings dissipate?

I find it pretty much impossible to feel really bad, or fight, or argue, with my partner these days. Nothing seems to bring that out, not that we used to argue a lot, but it's just impossible now. And the feelings of "needing space" are gone.

But I do find that there is a natural cycle to my really wanting her and desiring her. Sometimes it is more than other times and seems to be a bit of a sine wave. Yesterday I didn't feel it nearly as much. Which these days is always MUCH more than it used to be and I have always loved my wife a great deal. But I feel it so much more now, and some days still more than that.

On a scale of 1 - 10 of love/desire/wanting, I'd say I'm a 7 most of the time. But some days dips to a 5 or even a 4, and I think it is because we've done a lot of edgy stuff the previous few days, and that edgy stuff for me really kills my desire after a few days.

Karezza does NOT do this. Only edgy stuff does it for me. And it only does after a few days of it.