Things continue to go well. Today is a real landmark day in some respects. I am well and truly into triple figures. I'm more convinced than ever that everyone should have the same goal of 100 days. Even if you don't feel you need it, you will get far greater benefits than if you pat yourself on the back after completing 20 days and then go back to jerking yourself senseless.
Today is very close to double my initial goal of 75 days, which ended on 31st December 2011. Since hitting 100 days the time seems to have gone really quickly, probably due to a number of factors. Firstly, I am functioning well as far as arousal an intercourse are concerned. I am having sex with Rachel once a week, although it's not strictly timetabled in. I'm thinking about PMO less and have been posting on this site less and concentrating on other areas of my life, namely job and career.
I have also been fairly busy socially at weekends for the last 4 weeks as well so I haven't had time to sit around and ponder things on my own. The end of the week has arrived and I have been of travelling around visiting friends etc and then getting back fairly late on Sunday evenings and then having to get ready for work the next day.
That's consistent with one of my findings early on in my reboot period - The busier you are with other things, the more mentally stimulated you are by things other than PMO and sex, the better and quicker the recovery seems to be.
The last two weekends sex and erections etc have been better than ever. Once I lost my erection when I went to find a condom. A bit of kissing and no more than about 6 light strokes on my penis and I had gone from pretty soft to fully hard again. Not bad when you consider that during the PMO years I would have been bashing away profusely and nothing much would have happened.
Another time I had been brushing my teeth in the bathroom naked. I came back into the bedroom and stood there chatting as Rachel got ready for bed, changing clothes for pyjamas. There was a point when she was briefly topless during the change. She wasn't doing anything at all erotic, neither of us were touching ourselves or each other. I got about an 80-85% erection from simply looking at her topless. That's big progress. 6 months ago she could have been wearing really provocative underwear and saying and doing sexy things and I would have been absolutely flaccid. No response what so ever.
It does seem that the improvements I have experienced around day 125-140 are greater than those I experienced around day 95-110. It's consistent with a link Marnia posted for me in one of my old entries illustrating how one guy was still seeing improvements when he was well over 100 days. That's why you mustn't think that because you get a semi- on at about 60 days you're cured and can now become some super hot lover man. Nope. Remain abstinent and keep going and the rewards are much better.
That said, this morning we made love briefly and I noticed that subtle changed in position can alter the stimulation and I lose some hardness. Not all of it but a noticeable amount. The fact I'm even noticing it means that I am probably not in the moment as much as I could be, but it's something I can work on. So there are some improvements but nothing is completely certain. I suppose I should stop chasing the idea of perfect sex and just be grateful for what I have.
Looking back I think that I was flatlining for 8 or 9 weeks straight. I didn't worry about it at all. I just ignored my penis (so did Rachel) and we got on with life. Then on day 75 when O was back on the menu again, things really were a lot better. Now they're even better than that.
Other things that I have noticed is that I physically want Rachel. I actually have what I would call an active male libido. I look at her body, I smell her hair, I kiss her and I genuinely feel good and want to make love to her. This is relatively recent. I can feel real desire and I am really appreciating her and how sexy she is.
Condoms aren't a problem now, but around day 75-100 they would still cause me some problems and we would do without. We are both clean so it wasn't a problem but now that we can use them it's really nice both having that peace of mind that we're taking the extra precaution.
Fantasy has come back into my life within the last 2 weeks but in a good way. 80% of it is explicit, and it about Rachel in real settings, doing real things and is in the first person, not third person. The other 20% is about random made up women in surprisingly non sexual situations, just wearing tight tops and stuff like that. Nothing more.
I would say that I now fantasize about sex to the same degree that a normal healthy, slim people fantasize about food. You think about it and how good it will be but then you move on and come back into the real world. That's how it should be. You don't spend hours and hours watching cookery videos on YouTube and hunting for the perfect recipe.
I say normal healthy and slim because I am convinced that massively obese food addicts probably think about food to the same extent that a PMO addict thinks about porn and sex. It governs their lives. Their external worlds are congruent with their internal thoughts.
I still feel that I have strong mental clarity and I am far more direct with people now. I blitzed a job interview recently and spoke really confidently at Toastmasters with very little preparation and minimal use of notes.
I was thinking the other day about when I began my life coaching just over 5 years ago. I wanted a girlfriend and took great steps to improve myself and get more confident, better dressed, become a better conversationalist etc and it all worked great but every time something seemed to be going well I would lose momentum and then go through a period of 2 or 3 months where I couldn't be bothered looking for girls. I convinced myself that I was busy doing other things and that I would get to it when I had time. Now I realise that the laid back approach I took was due to PMO. I was still being "fulfilled" synthetically and so the impetus to actually go out and take some kind of action to get me closer to the goal of meeting a women was greatly diminished. I reckon if I had found out about my addiction and quit PMO about 4 years ago I would have had a girlfriend a lot sooner, and possibly a better job as well. I should however just be massively appreciative that I have begun dealing with my addiction now and that I am beginning to have what I would consider a normal life.
Good luck and best wishes to all those continuing to fight there private battles. I will try and update again before the end of March.